"Before the law, there stands a guard. A man comes from the country, begging admittance to the law. But the guard cannot admit him. May he hope to enter at a later time? That is possible, said the guard. The man tries to peer through the entrance. He'd been taught that the law was to be accessible to every man. "Do not attempt to enter without my permission", says the guard. I am very powerful. Yet I am the least of all the guards. From hall to hall, door after door, each guard is more powerful than the last. By the guard's permission, the man sits by the side of the door, and there he waits. For years, he waits. Everything he has, he gives away in the hope of bribing the guard, who never fails to say to him "I take what you give me only so that you will not feel that you left something undone." Keeping his watch during the long years, the man has come to know even the fleas on the guard's fur collar. Growing childish in old age, he begs the fleas to persuade the guard to change his mind and allow him to enter. His sight has dimmed, but in the darkness he perceives a radiance streaming immortally from the door of the law. And now, before he dies, all he's experienced condenses into one question, a question he's never asked. He beckons the guard. Says the guard, "You are insatiable! What is it now?" Says the man, "Every man strives to attain the law. How is it then that in all these years, no one else has ever come here, seeking admittance?" His hearing has failed, so the guard yells into his ear. "Nobody else but you could ever have obtained admittance. No one else could enter this door! This door was intended only for you! And now, I'm going to close it." This tale is told during the story called "The Trial". It's been said that the logic of this story is the logic of a dream... a nightmare."

"You...! I make you very uncomfortable, don't I? It distresses you to find me in your company? Yes, I've been told about that! Before I thought you, you took me for a judge, or at least some official of the court! I even thought you were afraid of me, but what you're feeling is PAIN! You don't like what you see, do you? It's my mouth! You think you can tell from my mouth, that I'm condemned! That I'm going to be found guilty! GUILTY!"

"It's true, you know. Accused men are attractive. Not that being accused makes any immediate change in a man's personal appearance. But if you've got the right eye for these things, you can pick out an accused man in the largest crowd. It's just something about them, something attractive."

"To be in chains is sometimes safer than to be free."

"All these fancy electronics, they're all right in their place, but not for anything practical."

"You're not going to try and tell me you think you can diddle your way out of a criminal charge with an adding machine!"

"Anthony Perkins - Josef K."

"Douglas Rain (uncredited voice) - Evil computer / Robot butlers"

"Chris Forbes - Rainer Krebs"

"Brian Avery - Herald Cohen"

"Jackie Mason (uncredited voice) - Robot tailors"

"Don Keefer - Dr. Tyron"

"Peter Hobbs - Dr. Dean"

"Mary Gregory - Dr. Melik"

"John McLiam - Dr. Aragon"

"Marya Small - Dr. Nero"

"Bartlett Robinson - Dr. Orva"

"Susan Miller - Ellen Pogrebin"

"A love story about two people who hate each other. 200 years in the future."

"Woody Allen takes a nostalgic look at the future."

"I am a renowned poet. I sell 20 to 30 poems a week, plus greeting cards."

"Woody Allen - Miles Monroe"

"I just beat a man senseless with a large strawberry!"

"Do I believe in God? I'm what you would call a teleological, existential atheist. I believe that there's an intelligence to the universe, with the exception of certain parts of New Jersey."

"Diane Keaton - Luna Schlosser"

"Oh, he was probably a member of the National Rifle Association. It was a group that helped criminals get guns so they could shoot citizens. It was a public service."

"My brain? It's my second favorite organ!"

"I can't believe this. I go into the hospital for a lousy ulcer operation. I lay around in a Birds-Eye wrapper for 200 years, I wake up, suddenly I'm on the Ten-Most-Wanted List....I knew it was too good to be true. I parked right near the hospital."

"I haven't seen my analyst in 200 years. He was a strict Freudian. If I'd been going all this time, I'd probably almost be cured by now."