"Lucy Emerson: [to Sam] I can never sleep with the closet door open, either. Not even a crack. Sam, this is a terrible thing to admit, but I think that one of the reasons I divorced your father was because he never believed in the closet monster."

"Michael Emerson: [upon seeing Grandpa's workroom, filled with deer heads and other animals] Talk about the Texas Chain Saw Massacre."

"[as Michael comes home in the morning] Looks like I wasn't the only one who got lucky last night."

"Rules! We've got some rules around here. Second shelf is mine. That's where I keep my cocktail peanuts, my Diet Pepsi and my double-thick animal crackers. Nobody touches the second shelf but me. Now, there's another rule around here, and I want you to pay very close attention to it. Don't touch anything. Everything is exactly where I want it."

"Lucy, you're the only woman I ever knew who didn't improve her situation by getting divorced."

"Now you know what we are. And now you know what you are. You'll never grow old, Michael. And you'll never die. But you must feed."

"Initiation's over, Michael. Time to join the club!"

"That's what I love about this place. You ask, and then you get."

"[entering their cave] Not bad, huh? This was the hottest resort in Santa Carla about 85 years ago. It's too bad that they built it on the San Andreas Fault. In 1906, when the Big One hit San Francisco, the ground opened up and this place took a header right into the crack. So now, it's ours."

"[to Alan] How much you think we should charge out of this?"

"I think I should warn you all, when a vampire buys it, it's never a pretty sight. No two blood suckers go out the same way. Some yell and scream, some go quietly, some explode, some implode. But all will try and take you with them."

"Holy smoke, Vampire Hotel."

"We don't ride with vampires. [Realizes that they're just outside of the Vampires' cave] We do now."

"Holy smoke, it's the attack of Eddie Munster!"

"Let's start with the little one. First come, first staked."

"[to Star] Don't kill anybody until we get back to you!"

"It's that girl from the boardwalk. Is she one of them?... [Star floats up] She's one of them! And don't tell me it doesn't make her a bad person, Mike!"

"Don't kill me, Mike. I'm basically a good kid, so just don't kill me."

"Look at your reflection in the mirror. You're a creature of the night, Michael. Just like out of a comic book. You're a vampire, Michael! My own brother, a damn blood-sucking vampire! You wait 'til Mom finds out, buddy!"

"You need sunglasses to talk on the phone? Are you freebasing, Michael? Inquiring minds want to know."

"Grandpa: They'll all be safe with me. I've got twelve guns in my room."

"Chill Wills - Mr. Neely (the iceman)"

"Robert Sully - Warren Sheffield"

"Hugh Marlowe - Col. Darly"

"Joan Carroll - Agnes Smith"

"Henry H. Daniels Jr. - Alonzo 'Lon' Smith Jr."

"June Lockhart - Lucille Ballard"

"Harry Davenport - Grandpa"

"Marjorie Main - Katie (the maid)"

"Tom Drake - John Truett"