"Needy's Mom: [to Needy] I dreamed some bad people were trying to nail you to a tree with hammers and big stakes and shit. Just like J.C. But I didn't let 'em get to you, 'cause I'm a hard-sassed, Ford-tough mama bear."

"Johnny Simmons - Chip Dove"

"Jonas' Dad: YOU HEAR ME, YOU BASTARD?! I'LL CUT OFF YOUR NUTSACK AND NAIL IT TO MY DOOR!!! LIKE ONE OF THOSE LION DOOR KNOCKERS RICH FOLKS GOT! THAT WILL BE YOUR BALLS!"

"I don't even know who Needy Lesnicky is anymore. I'm a different person now. A person who uses curse words and kicks orderlies and sees things that aren't there. A very bad, very damaged person... [lifts her top sleeve, revealing Jennifer's bite mark imprinted on her shoulder] But sometimes change can be good! For instance, most occult scholars don't know this, but if you're bitten by a demon, and you live, you just might absorb some of the demon's abilities... You might get lucky for once in your miserable life! [she floats up, kicks out the window and escapes]"

"[Grabs Needy's breasts] These are like smart bombs, you point them in the right direction and shoot gets real."

"Hell is a teenage girl."

"Do you know how hard it is to make it as an indie band these days? There are so many of us, and we're all so cute and it's like if you don't get on Letterman or some retarded soundtrack, you're screwed, okay? Satan is our only hope. We're in league with the Beast now. And we've got to make a really big impression on him. And to do that, we're going to have to butcher you. And bleed you. And then Dirk here is going to wear your face. [Dirk gives him a look] Relax, I'm kidding about the face thing. The rest is going to happen."

"Chip Dove: Needy, I care about you. As a person, not just some girl I made love to for four minutes the other night, and I'm scared of what's happening to you."

"Valerie Tian as Chasity"

"Aman Johal - Ahmet from India"

"Dave Sheridan - Bobby Jo"

"Mark L. Young - Randy"

"Charlie McDermott - Andy"

"Katrina Bowden - Ms. Tasty"

"Alice Greczyn - Mary"

"James Marsden - Rex Lafferty"

"Michael Cudlitz - Rick"

"Clarke Duke - Lance Johnson"

"David Koechner - Hitchhiker"

"Seth Green - Ezekiel"

"What up, English?"

"I miss sarcasm. It's mostly lost on my people. And gambling... went to Vegas once. [pause] And buttfucking."

"Nice hair. It'd look...look better in my crotch."

"Girl at Theme Park: I would've blown."

"Do you have a phone number? ...You don't! Oh, okay."

"You should pee on us!"

"Josh Zuckerman - Ian Lafferty"

"You gotta get the monkey."

"Put a little sack into it, powder puff."

"No way. No way my little brother's takin' it in the chili ring! You go and bang a female woman like the good Lord intended. And Ian...fill up the tank, would ya, buddy? Cause it's gettin' a little low."

"Which do you like better, the shaft or the balls?...You like 'em both, don't you."

"I'm into you, and...I'm hard."

"Hey, I was born to fertilize!"

"Amanda Crew - Felicia Alpine"

"Oh, did you have a moment? A little moment? You're an idiot."

"Holy buckets...she wants me to give her the D."

"Hey, sir. I've got something yummy for your little girl."

"Who's gonna pound on it? Say it: 'Ian's gonna pound on it.'"

"I can't believe I'm banging an Amish chick. I mean seriously, what are the odds?"

"Fall Out Boy - themselves"

"Kyle Gass - Trucker"

"Brian Posehn - Carny"

"John Ross Bowie - Dr. Teddescoe"

"Susie Abromeit -Tiffany"

"Sasha Ramos - Kimberly"

"José Duarte - Brandy's father"

"Kim Ostrenko - Ian's stepmother"

"Jessica Just - Lindsay"