"Let me bring you up to speed. My name is Wayne Campbell. I live in Aurora, Illinois, which is a suburb of Chicago — excellent. I've had plenty of joe-jobs; nothing I'd call a career. Let me put it this way: I have an extensive collection of nametags and hairnets. OK, so I still live with my parents, which I admit is both bogus and sad. But at least I have an amazing cable access show! And I still know how to party! But what I'd really love is to do "Wayne's World" for a living. It might happen! Sh'yeah! And monkeys might fly outta' my butt! Ah, the MirthMobile..."

"Oh you English are SO superior aren't you? Well, would you like to know where you'd be without US the good old U.S. of A. to protect you? I'll tell you. The smallest fucking province in the Russian Empire, that's where! So DON'T call me stupid, lady. Just THANK me! ...If it wasn't for us, you'd all be speaking German, singing, "Deutschland, Deutschland über alles!""

"Tom Georgeson - Georges Thomason"

"Maria Aitken - Wendy"

"Michael Palin - Ken Pile"

"Kevin Kline - Otto"

"Jamie Lee Curtis - Wanda Gershwitz"

"John Cleese - Archie Leach"

"[to Otto] I knew you'd come along and fuck it up! I was dealing with something delicate. I'm setting up a guy who's important to us, who'll tell me where the loot is and if you'll be arrested, and you come loping in like Rambo without a jock strap and you dangle him out a fifth-floor window! Now, was that smart? Was it shrewd? Was it good tactics? Or was it stupid?"

"[to Otto] Even if you were my brother, I'd still want to fuck you."

"[to Otto] To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people. I've known sheep that could outwit you. I've worn dresses with higher IQs!"

"Oh look, it's K-K-Ken! C-C-Coming to k-k-kill me! How you gonna c-c-catch me, K-K-Ken?"

"[repeated] Don't call me stupid."

"You English! You think you're so superior, don't you? Well you're the filth of the planet! A bunch of pompous, badly dressed, poverty stricken, sexually repressed football hooligans!"

"[On finding George has moved the jewels, forestalling his and Wanda's attempted double-cross] Okay...Okay... DISAPPOINTED!!! Son of a bitch! What do you have to do in this life to make people trust you?!?!...People are always takin' advantage of me."

"I think that Bisexual Asian Studies should have its own building. The question is who goes? The math department or the hockey team? ... I think Hockey, call me about it."

"Womynist: You participated in a phallus naming?"

"B.D.: Well, what I figure they did was they cut out a picture of your head and pasted it on another, different picture. I've done a little collage work myself."

"Raji: Play Metallica and they will come."

"Old Woman: Excuse me. Can you blow me where the Pampers is?"

"Womynist: He's coming over here. Sisters, form a wall!"

"Afrocentrist: And the walls are painted white. And the chalk is white. And even the copy machine paper is white. This, my friend, is a white devil's conspiracy."

"You passed out cigarettes for a smoke-a-thon on Earth Day. You installed speed bumps on the handicapped ramps and, most recently, you dumped 100 pounds of meat on a peaceful vegan protest!"

"Pins and needles!"

""A Bridge Too Far." Caine and Hackman in the same movie. This is my thesis man! This is my closing argument! I CAN STOP WATCHING TV!"

"Shower scene...."

"Whoa! Reality check here! Earth to tall bitch! What is your fault? This is!"

"I scheme and plan for months and it gets screwed up because you can't control the students! Never send a woman to do a man's job!"

"Pride of the Port Chester sports program, Tom: Hippie Olympics. Doesn't matter who wins 'cause they're all losers. You know, it's sad, really. This school used to be a bastion of rich, white elitism. And now... now they let homosexuals on the football team. Whining minorities run the student government. And you can't even coerce a woman into having sex with you without being brought up on charges."

"Just one binger to brighten up your day"

"Have a bong hit!"

"We're getting housed here, guys. I say we bring in Blotter."

"Funk, Gutter, funk! George Clinton, Parliament Funkadelic. Dude, aren't you a music major?"

"I... I didn't exhale?"

"Just one hit, then I gotta go."

"Mersh, you gotta lay off the pipe man. Clinton is playing right here!"

"Are you just sitting around your dorm rooms playing cards and eating pizza? Is this the way you spent the majority of your four years in college? Would you like tonight to be different, you just don't have any place to go? Well, now you do! So turn off your radios and head on over. Tonight, at the Pit: Everyone Gets Laid."

"You gotta make sure he gives you the bicentennial tour: 200 years of bull-shit."

"Now we're even for the milkbones."

"Gutter is a tool!"

"Mmm. Warm, flat beer. Soggy chips. Think about that."

"You can major in Game Boy if you know how to bullshit."

"I don't know if you're aware, but there actually was music recorded before 1989."