"[Telling the hospital staff therapy jokes] So the psychiatrist has a patient. He draws a circle and says, "What do you think of when you see this?" He says "Sex." [The staff laugh.] That's not the joke yet, wait a second. He draws a picture of a tree and says "What do you think of that one when you see it?" He says "Sex." All right, then he draws a picture of a car, a house: "Sex. Sex. Sex." The doctor says, "You know you're obsessed with sex." And the patient says "Well you're the one drawing all the dirty pictures." [The staff laugh.]"

"Hello, my name is Bob. Would you knock me out, please?"

"[To the Guttmans, who saw him push Bob into the lake] WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT?! I HAD EVERY RIGHT TO BUY THIS HOUSE!"

"Philip Gordon - Rodrigo"

"Randy Newman - Singing Bush (voice)"

"Kai Wulff - German"

"Fred Asparagus - Bartender"

"Patrice Martinez - Carmen"

"Humberto Ortiz - Pablo"

"Tony Plana - Jefe"

"Alfonso Arau - El Guapo"

"Martin Short - Ned Nederlander"

"Chevy Chase - Dusty Bottoms"

"Steve Martin - Lucky Day"

"Harry Flugelman: (ranting at the Amigos) It'll be a cold day in hell when Harry Flugelman lets an actor tell him what to do!"

"Dirty Mexican: And then they called us scum sucking pigs...US!"

"Pablo: Can I have your watch when you are dead?"

"Jefe: [to El Guapo] Could it be that once again you are angry for something else, and you are taking it out on me?"

"El Guapo only kills men. [horse neighs, Three Amigos shuffle nervously] He does not kill crying women! [Three Amigos let out a sigh of relief]"

"[Describing his plans for dealing with the Amigos] Tomorrow I will take fifty men with me, find these three gringos, open their stomachs, grab their intestines, and squeeze the shit out of them!"

"I know each one of you, like I know my own smell!"

"Do you have anything besides Mexican food?"

"One time, Dorothy Gish was visiting me on the set of "Little Neddy, Grab Your Gun". And she came up to me and she looked me in the face and - I'd never met her, I'd just known her on films, you know, Dorothy Gish, Lillian's sister - and she looked me in the eyes and she said, "Young man, you have got it." And. Ah! Dorothy Gish. It's a true story."

"In a way, all of us has an El Guapo to face. For some, shyness might be their El Guapo. For others, a lack of education might be their El Guapo. For us, El Guapo is a big, dangerous man who wants to kill us. But as sure as my name is Lucky Day, the people of Santa Poco can conquer their own personal El Guapo, who also happens to be the actual El Guapo!"

"Well you slime eating dogs, you scum-sucking pigs, you sons of a motherless goat!"

"You were supposed to fire up! We both fired UP! It's like living with a six-year-old."

"Oh GREAT!!! REAL bullets!!!"

"Uh, this is real... Yes: They. are going. to KILL us!"

"Mount up! ... It means get on your horses."

"[To summon the invisible swordsman] Farley Farley Farley Farley Farley, Hufaaaaarrr!"

"Lord... whatever I've done to piss you off... if you could just get me out of this and somehow let me know what it was I promise to rectify the situation."

"From the moment I slapped eyes on this hombre, I smelled trouble. And re-fried beans."

"James Coburn - Commodore Duvall"

"Alfred Molina - Angel"

"Graham Greene - Joseph"