"It's the bass solo, Turd Burglar! Don't you know anything about music? Listen, I came here to get a new drumstick, and now Greg, since Mom and Dad are gone, I'm going to kill you. Literally kill you!"

"[to Rowley] Beat it."

"It's not a movie, it's a survival guide."

"What? [Greg run offs. Rowley holds onto to Rodrick's leg to stop him] Let go, baby hippo!"

"You rejected the school paper, but you joined the Safety Patrol? Are you working your way down the evolutionary ladder?"

"You know, Patty? One day you'll wake up and all the things you thought were important won't be anymore."

"It's completely barbaric. This place is an intellectual wasteland, but it's nice to meet a person more interested in his mind than his body."

"So, look. Mom asked me to give you some advice about middle school. It's real simple: don't talk to anyone, don't look at anyone, don't go anywhere, don't sit down, don't raise your hand, don't go to the bathroom, don't get noticed, don't choose the wrong locker, don't... [sighs] Who am I kidding? You'll be dead or homeschooled by the end of the year anyway. [patting Greg's head] And don't be seen with Rowley."

"Don't make me beat you up again!"

"What did I tell you would happen if you ever went into my room again?"

"Zachary Gordon as Greg Heffley"

"Can I wrestle with somebody Good Now?"

"This is a terrible place!"

"Hey, guys. Wanna see my secret freckle? Check it out, [singsong voice] it’s got a hair in it!"

"The Cheese Touch. Nobody knows when or how, but one day, that cheese mysteriously appeared on the blacktop. [Scene flashes forward to before the Cheese became moldy] Nobody knew who it belonged to. Nobody touched it, nobody threw it away. So there it sat, growing more foul and powerful by the day. And then, one day, a kid named Darren Walsh made the biggest mistake of his life. [Darren puts his finger on the Cheese] Darren had the Cheese Touch! It was worse than nuclear cooties. He became an outcast. [Darren cries in the hallway] The only way to get rid of the Cheese Touch was by passing it on to someone else. [Darren touches an unsuspecting girl, thus giving her the Cheese Touch] And so began the Cheese Touch frenzy! Friend turning on friend, brother turning on sister, it was madness! Until, a German exchange student named Dieter Müller took it away. Sadly for Dieter, that fact was lost in translation. Thankfully, he moved back to Düsseldorf, and took the Cheese Touch with him. [Flash forward to the present] And so the Cheese sits, patiently waiting for its next victim."

"I guess this is where all the cool guys hang out."

"[repeated line] Zoo-wee-mama!"

"Wow. Everyone knows me now. lt's like l'm famous!"

"Wanna have a tickle fight?"

"[Sees Greg trying to touch the Cheese] STOP! Good God, man! You almost got the Cheese Touch."

"[after getting teased by Quentin] Right now, I have to take abuse from these morons. But in twenty years, Quentin here will be workin' for me."

"She's a girl! Where do I grab her?"

"Thank God there are a few normal people or this place would be a total freak show."

"hey greg wanna come over and play?"

"Jeff Kingsley - Dr. Octavius Agustus Steelex"

"So, wanna play Twisted Wizard?"

"[grunts] Come on! What are you waiting for, huh? Don't be such a wuss, Heffley. Make your move!"

"Robert Capron – Rowley Jefferson"

"Elvis Costello - Earl of Manchester"

"Tommy Lasorda - Dunphy"

"Jay Leno - Larry Miller"

"Howard Hesseman - Margolis"

"Cybill Shepherd - Gold Girl"

"George Carlin - the Narrator"

"Dave Foley - Grocery Store Clerk"

"Let me just say for the record that I think middle school may be the dumbest idea ever invented."

"Cynthia Harris - Mrs. Hathaway"

"Meat Loaf - "Oklahoma Roy" Budnitz"

"Fred Willard - Vanderhoff"

"Chief Dan George - Sam Birdwater"

"Zane Buzby - Mouling Jackson"

"The ultimate spectacle is now a movie."

"John Ritter - President Chet Roosevelt"

"Mouling Jackson: [singing] Don't you ever say "No" to me / Listen, I'm a lady. Period. / Classy, too. / Won't you come over here / And I'll prove it to you / And then if you still don't think / I got style and grace / I'm going to oh, so gracefully / rip the lips off of your face!"

"Harvey Korman - Monty Rushmore"

"Panhandler: Excuse me? Sir? Can you spare $25.00 for... for a cup of coffee?"

"Peter Riegert - McMerkin"

"Western White House Tour Guide: All right, people. Let's move it! Please, ma'am. No spitting in the hallway!"

"Greg Burson as Mr. Quincy Magoo (animated form)"