"[voiceover] I watched him with growing intensity as he refilled the pipe in the dark and smokey din of the room. He delicately fingered what looked like dried moss to me, and it struck me then that I liked Sean because he looked, well, slutty. A boy who'd been around. A boy who couldn't remember if he was Catholic or not."

"[last line] I didn't know where I was going, some place unoccupied I hoped, at first I thought there were things about her I would never forget, But in the end all I could think about was-..."

"[reading a love letter, voice-over] Got you. You're mine now. For the rest of the day, week, month, year, life. Have you guessed who I am? Sometimes I think you have. Sometimes when you're standing in a crowd I feel those sultry, dark eyes of yours stop on me. Are you too afraid to come up to me and let me know how you feel? I want to moan and writhe with you and I want to go up to you and kiss your mouth and pull you to me and say "I love you I love you I love you" while stripping. I want you so bad it stings. I want to kill the ugly girls that you're always with. Do you really like those boring, naive, coy, calculating girls or is it just for sex? The seeds of love have taken hold, and if we won't burn together, I'll burn alone."

"A great numb feeling washes over me as I let go of the past and look forward to the future. Pretend to be a vampire. I don't really need to pretend, because it's who I am, an emotional vampire. I've just come to expect it. Vampires are real. That I was born this way. That I feed off of other people's real emotions. Search for this night's prey. Who will it be?"

"Since when does fucking somebody else mean that I'm not faithful to you? I only had sex with her because I'm in love with you."

"Anthony Perkins - Capt. Fr. A. T. Tappman"

"Orson Welles - Brigadier General Dreedle"

"Jon Voight - 1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder"

"Martin Sheen - 1st Lt. Dobbs"

"Paula Prentiss - Nurse Duckett"

"Austin Pendleton - Lt. Col. Moodus"

"Bob Newhart - Captain/Major Major"

"Charles Grodin - Captain "Aarfy" Aardvark"

"Jack Gilford - Dr. "Doc" Daneeka"

"Art Garfunkel - Lt. Nately"

"Norman Fell - First Sgt. Towser"

"Marcel Dalio - Old Man in Whorehouse"

"Susanne Benton - Dreedle's WAC"

"Richard Benjamin - Major Danby"

"Buck Henry - Lt. Colonel Korn"

"Martin Balsam - Colonel Cathcart"

"Bob Balaban - Captain Orr"

"Alan Arkin - Captain John Yossarian"

"General Dreedle: Get back in the car, you smirking slut!"

"Weather conditions have improved tremendously over the mainland, so you won't have any trouble at all seeing the target. Of course, we mustn't forget, that means that they won't have any trouble at all seeing you."

"Officer, I'm sorry, but we don't allow gum in this house."

"Patricia Hearst - Juror #8"

"Mink Stole - Dottie Hinkle"

"Patricia Dunnock - Birdie"

"Justin Whalin - Scotty Barnhill"

"Mary Jo Catlett - Rosemary Ackerman"

"Matthew Lillard - Chip Sutphin"

"Ricki Lake - Misty Sutphin"

"Sam Waterston - Eugene Sutphin"

"Kathleen Turner - Beverly R. Sutphin"

"At least she meant well."

"She's a fabulous, loving, caring mother, who er... ...happens to be a serial killer!"

"Every Mom Wants to Be Wanted, But Not For Murder One!"

"Mrs. Jenson: [having to pay $1 extra to Chip for not rewinding the film] Keep the change you son of a psycho!"

"Detective: Proceed with caution; she is armed. And fuckin' nuts!"

"Emma Lou Jenson: [talking to her dog] Come on, lick Mommy's feet. Get 'em all wet!"

"Police woman: Bingo boys, bust the bitch."

"Marvin Pickles: There was a lady in the men's room, I swear! A pretty little lady, in the stall right next to me!"

"Ralph Sterner: [while having teeth drilled] Help me Betty! He's worse than the dentist in the Marathon Man!"

"Misty Sutphin: Chip! Our mother is Charles Manson!"

"Chip Sutphin: [in response to Misty telling the family about her new love interest] You sure can pick 'em."

"Eugene Sutphin: [during sex with Beverly] Oh honey, you are hot tonight!"

"Suzanne Sommers! This is my bad side!"

"[after bludgeoning Mrs. Jenson] Rewind!"

"Are those... pussy willows?"