"No, no, no, no. I'm too young to be a grandmother. Grandmothers are old. They bake, and they sew, and they tell you stories about the Depression. I was at Woodstock, for Christ's sake! I peed in a field! I hung on to The Who's helicopter as it flew away!"

"[Helen is trying to talk with Garry about his sex tapes] l assume you're watching these because you're curious about sex... you know. Or filmmaking."

"Open this door! Goddamnit to hell! I was just like a little respect! Not alot, just a little! Do you know why I'm having sex with machinery? Because your father went to have a party and I stayed to raise two kids, and I HAVE NO LIFE!!!!!!!!"

"Nathan, we're trying so hard to keep these kids off of drugs."

"You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car - hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father."

"That is one messed-up little dude."

"My whole life is have to..."

"They call me Cowboy Gil, as in guil-ty. I saw Cowboy Dan. I didn't like the look on his face. It was like this...[smiles goofily] ... so I killed him. I blew a hole in him this big. Actually it was about this big. You know, when I think about it, that hole was about THIS BIG! And his guts were spilled out all over the floor. As I was walkin' away, I slip around on his guts. A couple of other people came by and started slippin' on his guts too. After I blow a hole in somebody and slip around on their guts... afterwards, I always like to make balloon animals. That's mighty courteous of you. Here we go! [starts twisting balloons and then when he finishes, he holds up jumbled bunch of twisted balloons] Your lower intestines."

"[to Nathan] Keep Patty away from Larry. He'll suck the intelligence right out of her."

"Frankie Howerd - The barrow boy"

"Philip Stainton - Police sergeant"

"Jack Warner - Police superintendent"

"Danny Green - 'One-Round' Lawson"

"Peter Sellers - Harry Robinson"

"Herbert Lom - Louis Harvey"

"Cecil Parker - Major Claude Courtney"

"Alec Guinness - Professor Marcus"

"Katie Johnson - Mrs Louisa Alexandra Wilberforce"

"Be kind to your friends - Don't disclose the ending"

"Who was that lady I saw you outwit last night? That was no lady...That was 'Mum' Wilberforce, a lovely old doll, well known to the police, and landlady to the shadiest bunch of characters in London!"

"Meet "The Unholy Five"...The Most Befuddled Set of Assorted Thugs That Ever Fouled Up a Million Dollar Bank Robbery!!"

"Simply try for one hour to behave like gentlemen."

"There is a wheelbarrow out there. Would you mind fetching it, please? The major has a train to catch."

"[Voiceover] After I killed them, I dropped the gun in the Thames, washed the residue off my hands in the bathroom of a Burger King, and walked home to await instructions. Shortly thereafter, the instructions came through. "Get the fuck out of London, yous dumb fucks. Get to Bruges." I didn't even know where Bruges fucking was. [Pause] It's in Belgium."

"This is my vote of what we should do. We give it another day, two days max, then we check the papers again and if there's still nothing in 'em, we phone him and say, "Harry, thank you for the trip to Bruges, it's been very nice, all the old buildings and that, but we're coming back to London now," and hide out in a proper country where it isn't all just fucking chocolates."

"Eric Godon - Yuri"