"(Faced with the truth of the 'invasion:') Giant spiders? What the Hell kind of bullshit is that? (A moment later) Oh my God, THEY'RE HERE! THEY'RE HERE!"

"Friends, our local 'authorities' have a little message for our charming little community."

"Our government-controlled "media...""

"We've just received a report that our pet dog Skippy's been missing, fourth missing pet call we've had this morning. Yeah, it's strange, it's strange. And people are saying, well you know it's cayotes, and it's wolves, but we know the truth. Yes, we all know about those aliens, and the probe, heh, yes, the probe. Let's talk about the probe. I mean, what are they looking for? I mean, it's just wrong! What are they doing? I mean, Skippy didn't do anything to anyone, he doesn't deserve that! I'm telling you, it's wrong! If you want a piece of me, just don't take that piece!"

"We're here in Propsperity, Arizona, with the only reports on government conspiracies, space aliens, and updated reports on when they plan to invade. It's a beautiful day in Prosperity, and it's time for America to WAKE UP PEOPLE! WAKE UP BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE! But no, of course, they're still asleep."

"(First lines) Do you know fear? Have you ever had your heart beating in your chest so intensely... that you can't even breathe? This is a story of... monsters... hideous nightmares crawling in the night. I've seen them. I've seen them in visions. And you... will... too. (Laughs.) I know what you must be thinking, what's this crazy guy doing out here in this godforsaken landscape? Well, I'll tell you. For this is the only place in the country where I can tell the truth and they can't. Hit me."

"You know, that does look like an old piece of cactus."

"If you start feeling disorientated, then get to one of these higher chambers as soon as possible."

"Uh, maybe I don't need a shave..."

"Get back, you EIGHT-LEGGED FREAKS!"

"(Hysterical) They're here! They're here!"

"Adieus, Consuela!"

"(Confronted by Conseula) I can't! It'll set off the gas! (Squirts perfume into Conseula's face) Mike, you saved us!"

"(About his father's gold) I knew he wasn't crazy!"

"Aunt Gladys!"

"And my name's not Sonny. It's Chris."

"(First lines) You sure look like a pretty good engineerer."

"(To Chris) Ten years, and you have not changed a bit."

"Where have you been, Wade? All the phones are dead!"

"All the phone lines are down, Mike."

"(To Ashley) Who said it was OK to talk to your mother like that?"

"(About Chris) He just needs a shave..."

"(To Deputy Pete) Something ate your cat? What do you think it was?"

"(To Mike) This is your problem, right here. I don't want to hear any more of your 'paranoid delusional nightmare.' Right you're grounded for a week, mister. And no TV!"

"(Last line, as he observes the empty tarantula cage) Where'd you go, little fella?"

"(About Consuela) So she can liquefy her prey, wrapped alive..."

"I had to bribe every customs agent from San Diego to Tuscon. (Leads Mike over to orb weavers.) You see, the female species is three times as big as the male. (Consuela emerges.) The males try to compete for the females' attention by bringing them the best presents, you know, like rats, mice, (Looks at his parrot, smirking), the occasional parrot. Come."

"Say hello to Consuela..."

"Yeah, Habronattus orbus."

"I'm going to make a fortune!"

"(After Mike has enquired about the alarming size of the arachnids): It's their diet. These have been growing in the pond for the last three days. (Mike: Crickets?) They're like, spider steroids."

"(First lines) Hello Mike."

"We've all taken a vow of celibacy for celluloid. No one gets laid until we finish our movie. We're horny, but our film comes first."

"Patricia Hearst - Fidget's Mom"

"Ricki Lake - Libby"

"Mink Stole - Mrs. Sylvia Mallory"

"Jack Noseworthy - Rodney"

"Maggie Gyllenhaal - Raven"

"Larry Gilliard Jr. - Lewis"

"Adrian Grenier - Lyle"

"Alicia Witt - Cherish"

"Stephen Dorff - Cecil B. Demented"

"Melanie Griffith - Honey Whitlock"

"Long live guerrilla film making!"