"A celebrity has just as much right to speak out as people who hold real jobs. This is America, after all, and you should not be precluded from voicing your opinions just because you sing songs, mouth other peoples' words on a sitcom or, for that matter, spin a giant multi-colored wheel on a game show."

"The most important political task facing the out-of-power party— the Democrats for now— is creating a villain to run against. It's certainly easier than developing some grand new ideas or policies on which to campaign."

"Hollywood is like high school with money."

"Writing about music is like dancing about architecture."

"The difference between reality and unreality is that reality has so little to recommend it."

"Rochester: It would help if you bleed a little."

"Bob Hope: [on being on a CBS show] I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor at a P.T.A. meeting."

"Jack: What do you mean, you think? Can't you tell?"

"Jack: What's the matter?"

"Rochester: I think I cut you."

"Rochester: Oh oh."

"Bob Hope: By the way, this is where Bing did his last show and I think they've done very nicely. They've gotten most of it out of the curtains."

"Rochester: [checking his equipment] Shaving cream, brush, razor, smelling salts."

"Jack: Smell?... What do I want with smelling salts?"

"Jack: I want to look tanned, not lumpy."

"Clyde: I wondered why he had his hand on his hip when I shot him."

"Bob Hope: [finding some coins tied with string in Jack's trousers] When you ask this kid for a loan, and he says his money is tied up, he isn't kidding. This is an obstacle course for pickpockets."

"Clyde: Then the animals lit fires to keep us away."

"Rochester: Well, you said you wanted something to make you look nice and tanned."

"Jack: What kind of tiger is that - Siberian or Bengal?"

"Jack: I know, but peanut butter?"

"Clyde: General Electric."

"Rochester: That's for me. I can't stand the sight of blood."

"Jack: Hey, wait a minute. What kind of make up is this?"

"Jack: [Pointing to the tiger] He must have gone to a veterinarian in Denmark."

"Jack: These last 2 miles were rugged, weren't they?"

"Clyde: I knew as soon as we got off the freeway, we'd run into trouble."

"Thug: [repeating] Look, bud, I said 'Your money or your life.'"

"Jack Benny: I'm thinking I'm thinking!"

"Bob: [about Bing Crosby] He's up in Nevada looking over Boulder Dam - his piggy bank is filled. He's so loaded, you know, he uses Howard Hughes for a bell boy."

"Thug: This is a stickup! Now come on. Your money or your life."

"Jack: It's really dangerous, here in the jungle."

"Hope: You mean, Jack's actually wearing your pants?"

"Jack: [out of shot] Darn right I am."

"Jack Benny: That star has five points."

"Clyde: You're telling me. What about those first three nights, we had to light fires to keep the animals away."

"Rochester: Well, it went down two points this last year."

"Thug: You're gonna give us $10,000, or we're gonna break both your legs."

"Rochester: You mean that shiny one with the three points on it?"

"Bob: This is rather strange for me, I'm on the major network. [mouths ABC]"

"Bob Hope: Put your head back through there, or I'll start handing out baseballs to the audience."

"Don Wilson: [Poking his head through the curtains] Bob, Bob, quick, give me Jack's pants!"

"Rochester: It would've been hard to rhyme a dollar ninety-eight."

"Jack: Oh, it's not that big a difference. You're twenty-five and I'm thirty-nine."

"For a man who was the undisputed master of comedy timing, you'd have to say that this was the only time when Jack Benny's timing was all wrong. He left us much too soon. He was stingy to the end. He only gave us eighty years and it wasn't enough."

"Marilyn Monroe: What about the difference in our ages?"

"Jack: Well, only if you have enough. I'd hate for you to run out to the zoo just for me."

"Jack Benny: We're a little late, so good night, folks."

"Throughout Jack's violin solo at the Hollywood Bowl, the audience was glued to their seats. That was the only way he could get them to sit down."

"Liberace: Would you like to stay for dinner, Jack?"