I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue

"Tony Hawks: "Aldi - When you can't afford Lidl.""

"John Finnemore: "Hull Trains - Oh, doesn't every city have its own trains? Oh, I'm sorry. We do.""

"Miles Jupp: "The Wild Bean Café - You have literally no other option!""

"Barry Cryer: "Tesco ready meals - Horses for courses!""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Vodafone - Mos...ubbish...obile...hone...cept...in...country.""

"Miles Jupp: "We Don't Have to Take Gower's Clothes Off to have a good time""

"Barry Cryer: "Durex - In your wallet for years.""

"John Finnemore: "Fray Bentos - Don't ask, don't tell.""

"Barry Cryer: Wetherspoons - When you just have to get pissed at 7.00am.""

"Caroline Quentin: "Specsavers - Because we saw you coming.""

"Rachel Parris: "Why do you build me up, buttercup baby, just to let me down...?""

"Rob Brydon: "I, I love the colourful clothes she wears, and the way the sunlight plays upon her hair...""

"John Finnemore: "Ryanair - You knew what you were getting into!""

"Miles Jupp: "Disneyland - Because if you don't take them, they will never shut up!""

"Miles Jupp: "McDonald's - We have toilets!""

"Barry Cryer: "The Milk Marketing Board - A glass of milk... in every glass.""

"Jack Dee: "A dreadful habit of young Mart's was lighting his and others' farts...""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Southern or Northern Rail - We're not happy 'til you're not happy.""

"Barry Cryer: "The Noise Abatement Society - ...""

"Jack Dee: "A wicked habit of young Bill's, was rifling through his father's pills...""

"Jack Dee: "A stubborn boy whose name was Norm, flew his kite in a lightning storm...""

"Barry Cryer: "Who Else Wants To Be a Millionaire?""

"Jack Dee: "Without permission, stupid Jake went skating on a frozen lake...""

"Jack Dee: "Poor Mrs. Wilhelmina Binns was knackered giving birth to quins...""

"Jack Dee: "Daisy Pugh and husband Gus, spiced up their sex life on the bus...""

"Jack Dee: "Despite the warnings, naughty Mya climbed right inside the tumble dryer...""

"Jack Dee: "Young James thought it would be a lark, to ride upon a great white shark...""

"John Finnemore: "Yellow Pages - In case the internet stops existing.""

"Jack Dee: "'I think I shall try six', said Fred, 'electric blankets on my bed'...""

"Jack Dee: "The infant Mike had such bad genes, he lived on top shelf magazines...""

"Jack Dee: "'Do not put', his mum told Ted, 'that plastic bag upon your head'...""

"Jack Dee: "Young Nigel earned a stern reproof for doing cartwheels on the roof...""

"Jack Dee: "A naughty little lad called Dave would hide inside the microwave...""

"Jack Dee: "'I see dead people!' claimed young Cole, which made his mother drop her bowl...""

"Jack Dee: "Despite the warnings, naughty Sue would feed the monkeys in the zoo...""

"Jack Dee: "Though often warned, a boy called Rex still tampered with electric flex...""

"Jack Dee: "Belinda made her parents vexed for all she ever did was text...""

"Graeme Garden: "Mock the Leek.""

"Jack Dee: "One day a small girl called Sophia climbed right inside the tumble dryer...""

"Tony Hawks: "A fantasy epic on BBC now, with a tale spanning multiple worlds, in which a threatening godlike figure suffers several bouts of sexually transmitted infections. That's His Dark Venereals on BBC Three.""

"Gary Delaney: "Coming up next, Chris Hemsworth is back in the Marvel crossover that's also a sequel to Frozen - Thaw.""

"Gary Delaney: "Next on BBC Two, Dara Ó Briain is back as the host of the quickfire topical panel show for Chinese cannibals who eat the shy. It's Wok the Meek. ...if you could hear the footsteps going all round the houses to get to that one!""

"Jack Dee: "In spite of warnings, little Stu would taunt the lions in the zoo...""

"Jack Dee: "With stick in hand, naughty Denise approached a peaceful swarm of bees...""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Andrex - Shit happens.""

"Tony Hawks: "Coming up next on BBC One, the crime drama set on a well-known Scottish archipelago, now sadly polluted by sewage discharge. That's Shitland, tonight at nine.""

"Stephen Fry: "Meanwhile on BBC One, Charlie Dimmock takes command of a squad of Coldstream Guards as they completely returf an entire rugby pitch in time for their crunch match against the Argyll and Sutherland Highlanders. That's Sod This for a Game of Soldiers.""

"Gary Delaney: "Coming up next, it's the crossover you never knew you needed - Ocean's Eleven meets Radio 4, but controversy strikes as the charismatic lead is replaced by Jack Dee in I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clooney.""

"Stephen Fry: "And talking of piers, Piers Morgan and Katie Hopkins visit Oxford to examine the Reverend Spooner's passion for the repair and maintenance of the city's traditional watercraft. That's Care of Punts, coming soon.""

"Pippa Evans: "Richard Hammond travels round Britain to celebrate our seaside towns. That's Top Pier.""