Discworld

"Then the Dean repeated the mantra that has had such a marked effect on the progress of knowledge through the ages."

""Willow bark," said the Bursar."

"said the Hogfather."

"So mistletoe, in fact, symbolizes mistletoe?"

"Who are you?"

"Was the Hogfather a god? Why not? thought Susan. There were sacrifices, after all. All that sherry and pork pie. And he made commandments and rewarded the good and he knew what you were doing. If you believed, nice things happened to you. Sometimes you found him in a grotto, and sometimes he was up there in the sky... (pp. 125-126)"

"Anyway, then later on it sinks to the level of religion and then they start this business where some poor bugger finds a special bean in his tucker, oho, everyone say, you're king, mate, and he thinks "This is a bit of all right" only they don't say it wouldn't be a good idea to start any long books, 'cos next thing he's legging it over the snow with a dozen other buggers chasing him with holy sickles so's the earth'll come to life again and all this snow'll go away. Very, you know...ethnic. Then some bright spark thought, hey, looks like that damn sun comes up anyway, so how come we're giving those druids all this free grub? Next thing you know, there's a job vacancy. That's the thing about gods. They'll always find a way to, you know...hang on.""

""It's all done by magic, Archchancellor," he said, giving up."

"Many people are aware of the Weak and Strong Anthropic principles. The Weak One says, basically, that is was jolly amazing of the universe to be constructed in such a way that humans could evolve to a point where they make a living in, for example, universities, while the Strong One says that, on the contrary, the whole point of the universe was that humans should not only work in universities but also write for huge sums books with words like "Cosmic" and "Chaos" in the titles.†"

"You can't give her that!" she screamed. "It's not safe!"

"The house even imitated human houses. Death had created a bedroom for himself, despite the fact that he never slept. If he really picked things up from humans, had he tried insanity? It was very popular, after all. (p. 91)"

"Susan had never been able to see the attraction in cats. They were owned by the kind of people who liked puddings. There were actual people in the world whose idea of heaven would be a chocolate cat. (p. 89)"

"The old woman was a regular in Biers for the company and was quite gaga, and one of the symptoms of those going completely yo-yo was that they broke out in chronic cats. (p. 89)"

"There was a cat-flap in the door."

"And Susan was bright enough to know that the phrase "Someone ought to do something" was not, by itself, a helpful one. People who used it never added the rider "and that someone is me." But someone ought to do something, and right now the whole pool of someones consisted of her, and no one else. (p. 85)"

"Rage overtook Susan's curiosity. It had to travel quite fast. (p. 81)"

"I thought you said people see what they expect to see."

"Some things are fairly obvious when it's a seven-foot skeleton with a scythe telling you them. (p. 47)"

"This one's mental."

"It wasn't even a bar. It was just a room where people drank while they waited for other people with whom they had business. The business usually involved the transfer of ownership of something from one person to another, but then, what business doesn't? (p. 26)"

""Look at it this way, then," she said, and took a deep mental breath. "Wherever people are obtuse and absurd...and wherever they have, by even the most generous standards, the attention span of a small chicken in a hurricane and the investigative ability of a one-legged cockroach...and wherever people are inanely credulous, pathetically attached to the certainties of the nursery and, in general, have as much grasp of the realities of the physical universe as an oyster has of mountaineering...yes, Twyla: there is a Hogfather. (pp. 25-26)"

"She'd become a governess. It was one of the few jobs a known lady could do. And she'd taken to it well. She'd sworn that if she did indeed ever find herself dancing on rooftops with chimney sweeps she'd beat herself to death with her own umbrella. (p. 24)"

"Education had been easy."

"I think we need to know something about you."

"She shook her head. However far you ran away, you always caught yourself up. (p. 5)"

"And there's the sign, Ridcully," said the Dean." You have read it, I assume. You know? The sign which says ‘Do not, under any circumstances, open this door‘?"

"Everything starts somewhere, although many physicists disagree. (p. 1; opening words)"

"Either All Days Are Holy, Or None Are. I Have Not Decided Yet."

""But the gods plainly do exist," said a priest."

"You Say To People ‘Throw Off Your Chains' And They Make New Chains For Themselves?"

""What are your duties?" said Vimes."

"Dorfl held up a hand the size of a shovel. "I, Dorfl, Pending The Discovery Of A Deity Whose Existence Withstands Rational Debate, Swear By The Temporary Precepts Of A Self-Derived Moral System—" (p. 346)"

""Atheism Is Also A Religious Position," Dorfl rumbled."

"I've had no less than nine missives from leading religious figures declaring that he is an abomination."

"In all, I've had seventeen demands for your badge. Some want parts of your body attached. Why did you have to upset everybody? (p. 341; Lord Vetinari reproves Vimes)"

"Did you really punch the president of the Assassins' Guild?"

"Lord Vetinari fell silent for a moment. His fingers drummed softly on his desk."

"He screamed a lot, Vimes. In a heart-rending fashion, I am told. And I gather he uttered a number of threats against you, for some reason."

"The volumes were piled up against the walls. The candlelight picked up gold lettering and the dull gleam of leather. There they were, the lineages, the books of heraldic minutiae, the Who's Whom of the centuries, the stockbooks of the city. People stood on them to look down. (p. 338)"

"Only crimes could take place in darkness. Punishment had to be done in the light. (p. 338)"

"It was hard enough to kill a vampire. You could stake them down and turn them into dust and ten years later someone drops a drop of blood in the wrong place and guess who's back? They returned more times than raw broccoli. (p. 337)"

"That's how politics works in this city. It's a game of chess. Who cares if a few pawns die? (p. 337)"

"He reached down and picked up the vampire in one hand. "I Could Kill You," he said. "This Is An Option Available To Me As A Free-Thinking Individual But I Will Not Do So Because I Own Myself And Have Made A Moral Choice.""

""You are in favor of the common people?" said Dragon mildly."

"You really intend to proffer charges?"

"WORDS IN THE HEART CANNOT BE TAKEN. (p. 322)"

""We can rebuild him," said Carrot, hoarsely. "We have the pottery." (p. 321)"

"Today is a good day for someone else to die! (p. 312; Dwarfish battle-cry)"

"You never ever volunteered. Not even if a sergeant stood there and said, "We need someone to drink alcohol, bottles of, and make love, passionate, to women, for the use of." There was always a snag. If a choir of angels asked for volunteers for Paradise to step forward, Nobby knew enough to take one smart pace to the rear. (p. 303)"

""No, you listen to me," hissed Vimes. "I mix with crooks and thieves and thugs all day and that doesn't worry me at all but after two minutes with you I need a bath." (p. 301)"