Discworld

"I see evil when I look in my shaving mirror. It is, philosophically, present everywhere in the universe in order, apparently, to highlight the existence of good. I think there is more to this theory, but I tend to burst out laughing at this point. (p. 236)"

"“Look, you can’t tell me that’s not magic,” Andy insisted. “No,” said Glenda. “You know what? I think it’s religion.” (p. 395)"

"But Nutt had a point. It was hard to argue with a man who insisted that he was not dead. (p. 114)"

"“How many languages do you speak, you…Nutt?” “Three dead and twelve living, sir,” said Nutt. “Really. Really,” said Ridcully, as though filing this away and trying not to think How many of them were alive before you murdered them? (pp. 229-230)"

"The rising sun managed to peek around the vast column of smoke that forever rose from Ankh-Morpork, City of Cities, illustrating almost up to the edge of space that smoke means progress or, at least, people setting fire to things. (pp. 323-324)"

"“I don’t think he’s been poisoned,” he said. “Why’s that, Archchancellor?” said Ponder. “Because if anyone has poisoned our Librarian,” said Ridcully, “then, although I am not, by nature, a vindictive man, I will see to it that this university hunts down the poisoner by every thaumic, mystic and occult means available and makes the rest of their life not only as horrible as they can imagine it, but as horrible as I can imagine it. And you can depend on it, gentlemen, that I have already started work on it.” (pp. 377-378)"

"“Well, go on, then, what did he say?” “He responded to reasoned argument.” “He did? Where’s the catch?” (p. 58)"

"She hated people like him, who lived for the exercise of third-hand authority and loved every little bit of power they could grab. (p. 104)"

"“It’s the real stuff. Champagne.” “What? I thought only nobby people drank that!” “No, just people with money, love. Sometimes it’s the same thing.” (p. 160)"

"A man could be dogmatic, and that was all right, or he could be stupid, and no harm done, but stupid and dogmatic at the same time was too much, especially fluxed with body odor. (p. 226)"

"Juliet’s version of cleanliness was next to godliness, which was to say it was erratic, past all understanding and was seldom seen. (p. 268)"

"“Are you worthy?” said the woman. “What sort of question is that to ask a stranger?” “An interesting and possibly revealing one. Do you think the world is a better place with you in it, and would you do me the courtesy of actually thinking about your answer rather than pulling one off the ‘affronted’ rack?” I’m afraid there’s far too much of that these days. People believe that acting and thinking are the same thing.” (p. 314)"

"You know, there’s people in this city that would watch a beheading and hold their kiddies up for a better view. (p. 331)"

"The singing of the National Anthem was always a ragged affair, the good people of Ankh-Morkpork feeling that it was unpatriotic to sing songs about how patriotic you were, taking the view that someone singing a song about how patriotic they were was either up to something or a Head of State.‡ ‡ i.e., up to something. (p. 363)"

"“Look at them. Ranks, files,” he said, waving a hand over the little stone figures, “locked in everlasting conflict at the whim of the player. They fight, they fall, and they cannot turn back because the whips drive them on, and all they know is whips, kill or be killed. Darkness in front of them, darkness behind them, darkness and whips in their heads. But what if you could take one out of this game, get him before the whips do, take him to a place without whips—what might he become? One creature. One singular being. Would you deny them that chance?” “You had three men hanged last week,” said Ridcully, without quite understanding why. “They had their chances. They used them to kill, and worse. All we get is a chance.” (p. 53)"

"Truth is female, since truth is beauty rather than handsomeness; this, Ridcully reflected as the Council grumbled in, would certainly explain the saying that a lie could run around the world before Truth has got its, correction, her boots on, since she would have to choose which pair—the idea that any woman in a position to choose would have just one pair of boots being beyond rational belief. Indeed, as a goddess she would have lots of shoes, and thus many choices: comfy shoes for home truths, hobnail boots for unpleasant truths, simple clogs for universal truths and possibly some kind of slipper for self-evident truth. More important right now was what kind of truth he was going to have to impart to his colleagues, and he decided not on the whole truth, but instead on nothing but the truth, which dispensed with the need for honesty. (p. 58)"

"The Librarian was not very familiar with love, which had always struck him as a bit ethereal and soppy, but kindness, on the other hand, was practical. You knew where you were with kindness, especially if you were holding a pie it had just given you. (p. 74)"

"It has been said that crowds are stupid, but mostly they are simply confused, since as an eyewitness the average person is as reliable as a meringue lifejacket. (p. 103)"

"It would have been nice to have a bit of cosmic explanation at this point, but the universe never gave you explanations, it just gave you more questions. (p. 122)"

"In theory, something should fit, but all she ever found was facts, which are so unbecoming. (p. 149)"

"Tradition is the scourge of endeavor. (p. 206)"

"Glenda had decided tonight that she couldn’t read unwritten rules. (p. 226)"

"“I believe that football is a lot like life.” “There ish that, shir, there ish that. You does your besht and then shomeone kicksh you inna fork.” (p. 248)"

"People who had no real idea why they were doing so congregated to listen to other people who also did not know anything, on the basis that ignorance shared is ignorance doubled. (p. 258)"

"Contrary to popular belief and hope, people don’t usually come running when they hear a scream. That’s not how humans work. Humans look at other humans and say, “Did you hear a scream?” because the first scream might just have been you screaming inside your head, or a horse backfiring. (p. 279)"

"“That is a magnificent distillation of the situation,” said Hix. “Which is incredibly helpful while at the same time inaccurate in every possible way.” (p. 291)"

"“They put it like that?” said Glenda, wide-eyed. “Oh, you know the sort of thing if you read the papers a lot,” said Ponder. “I seriously think they think that it’s their job to calm people down by first of all explaining why they should be overexcited and very worried.” (p. 325)"

"“Can’t you wizards do something?” “Yes,” said Ponder. “We can do practically anything, but we can’t change people’s minds. We can’t magic them sensible. Believe me, if it were possible to do that, we would have done it a long time ago.” (p. 327)"

"It does not matter whether you win or lose so long as you score the most goals. (p. 343)"

"“After all, it’s only a game.” “But a game is not about games. And what sort of game do you think you will get tomorrow?” “A war,” said Vetinari. “And the thing about war is that it’s about war.” (p. 349)"

"In my day we were all so…so relentlessly physical. But if I was to suggest so much as an egg and spoon race these days they’d use the spoon to eat the egg. (p. 50)"

"“As a wizard, I must tell you that words have power.” “As a politician, I must tell you I already know.” (p. 52)"

"It’s a short walk from the palace to Unseen University; positions of power like to keep an eye on one another. (p. 54)"

"“’Ow do I know I can trust you?” said the urchin. “I don’t know,” said Ridcully. “The subtle workings of the brain are a mystery to me, too. But I’m glad that is your belief.” (p. 56)"

"“When you live there, it’s safer that way. Anyway, you have to support your own.” “But is it not a game, like spillikins or halma or Thud?” “No! It’s more like war, but without the kindness and consideration!” (p. 63)"

"“Apes had it worked out. No ape would philosophize, “The mountain is, and is not.” They would think, “The banana is. I will eat the banana. There is no banana. I want another banana.” (pp. 72-73)"

"“But here I am. You asked why I am strong? When I lived in the dark of the forge, I used to lift weights. The tongs at first, and then the little hammer and then the biggest hammer, and then one day I could lift the anvil. That was a good day. It was a little freedom.” “Why was it so important to lift the anvil?” “I was chained to the anvil.” (p. 87)"

"“You two have a history, I think,” said Nutt. “You are a sharp one, aren’t you? Quiet and sharp. Like a knife. Yeah, I suppose it was a history. I wanted it to be more of a geography, but she kept slappin’ my hand.” (p. 88)"

"Don’t be smart. Smart is only a polished version of dumb. Try intelligence. It will surely see you through. (p. 116)"

"“It’s a kind of medicine with words,” said Nutt, carefully. “Sometimes people fool themselves into believing things that aren’t true. Sometimes that can be quite dangerous for the person. They see the world in a wrong way. They won’t let themselves see that what they believe is wrong. But often there is a part of the mind that does know, and the right words can let it out.” (pp. 117-118)"

"Glenda enjoyed her job. She didn’t have a career; they were for people who could not hold down jobs. (p. 124)"

"The wizards paid no further attention and settled down to the passing of cups, the handing round of the sugar bowl, the inspection of the quality of the chocolate biscuits with a view to taking more than one’s entitlement and all the other little diversions without which a committee would be a clever device for making worthwhile decisions quickly. (pp. 129-130)"

"Weapons got you killed, often because you were holding one. (p. 180)"

"“It’s positively an offense against morality.” “How? Where? Only in your heads, I feel.” (p. 189)"

"“I’m sorry we seem to have loaded you down a bit. I’m sure it wasn’t deliberate.” “I’m sure it wasn’t, too, sir. Very little around here is.” Ponder sighed. “I’m afraid that unthinking delegation and prevarication and procrastination are standard practice here.” (pp. 209-210)"

"A lot hinges on the fact that, in most circumstances, people are not allowed to hit you with a mallet. They put up all kinds of visible and invisible signs that say “Do not do this” in the hope that it’ll work, but if it doesn’t, then they shrug, because there is, really, no real mallet at all. (p. 225)"

"Why is there a certain cast of the military mind which leads sensible people to do again, with gusto, what didn’t work before? (p. 236)"

"The Patrician took a sip of his beer. “I have told this to few people, gentlemen, and I suspect I never will again, but one day when I was a young boy on holiday in Uberwald I was walking along the bank of a stream when I saw a mother otter with her cubs. A very endearing sight, I’m sure you will agree, and even as I watched, the mother otter dived into the water and came up with a plump salmon, which she subdued and dragged onto a half-submerged log. As she ate it, while of course it was still alive, the body split and I remember to this day the sweet pinkness of its roes as they spilled out, much to the delight of the baby otters who scrambled over themselves to feed on the delicacy. One of nature’s wonders, gentlemen: mother and children dining upon mother and children. And that’s when I first learned about evil. It is built into the very nature of the universe. Every world spins in pain. If there is any kind of supreme being, I told myself, it is up to all of us to become his moral superior. (pp. 236-237)"

"“The female mind is certainly a devious one, my lord.” Vetinari looked at his secretary in surprise. “Well, of course it is. It has to deal with the male one.” (p. 251)"

"For I am the crowd and I am the ball I am the triumph and the blame I am the turf, the pies, the All Always and ever, I am the Game. It matters not who won or lost Nothing is the score you made Fame is a petal that curls in the frost But I will remember how you played. (p. 395)"