Destroy All Humans!

"I have double indemnity against these little space freaks, and it's time to collect on my policy!"

"All this power... and I still only make 76 cents for every dollar a man makes."

"When I said domination, little did they know I meant GLOBAL domination - ruling the world, crushing all men under my boot heel, that sort of thing."

"What am I doing? Oh yeah, the same thing I do every night - TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!"

"[broadcasting from the SMCBS station] SMCBS will bring you further news as it unfolds. Good day, John and Jane America, from north to south, from sea to shining sea. This is Bert Whither, coming to you live from a secure SMCBS studio at an undisclosed location of America's sunshine capital, Santa Modesta, with a special news bulletin. For years, America has been a beacon of hope to the world. But today comes disturbing proof: our very way of life is under attack! Our great nation devoured from within by a malignant tumor of corruption! Yes, you heard it here first. The very heart of power in the United States of America is now cancerous! Its malevolent might, bent to a crooked will! The insidious nature of this cancer, right after a word from our sponsor."

"Unease sweeps the country like a fever! Police flout civil liberties, arrest people without cause, even brazenly engage in criminal and unconstitutional behavior! I have here a secret affidavit, signed by the chief of the Santa Modesta police department, attesting not only to the existence of these abuses, but to their orchestration by an agency of our own federal government! Up to now, many Americans believed such a thing could never happen here in the land of liberty. But happen it has! More to come, after these commercial messages."

"The federal agency behind the new terror on our streets, the terror of cops gone bad! But if power is corrupt, what of the government responsible? SMCBS has acquired extensive documentary footage: shadowy agents in reasonably-priced black suits in Rockwell, Santa Modesta, even Capitol City, shown here abducting innocent citizens in unmarked black sedans! No arrest records exist, yet to date, over eleven hundred people have disappeared, their families kept in the dark, and still the U.S. government remains silent! It refuses to acknowledge these abductions ever took place! Why has our government deserted us?! Stay tuned!"

"We have only a few moments until the army destroys our building. They're deploying tanks and-- Good Lord, giant robots! We cannot survive for long! But in these moments, I want to share a new hope. SMCBS correspondents have uncovered something incredible! For the first time in history, proof that an alien race has visited Earth, and apparently, repeated attempts to communicate their message, to "befriend all humans". Tragically, these gentle, intelligent creatures are being systematically exterminated by government agencies. Are these interstellar ambassadors our last hope for a peaceful human future? Could they help us take back America?! May providence smile upon us all! This is Bert Whither saying... goodbye."

"Farmer Turnipseed: Shoo! I ain't heard anything like that since my Uncle Cletus injured himself at a post Thanksgiving party in '42."

"U.S. Army Soldier: This is not a drill! There IS an enemy on the loose! Find it and kill it! Repeat: find it and kill it!"

"U.S. Army Soldier: BATTEN DOWN THE HATCHES! We're gonna have a firefight on our hands! We have to find that little commie and take him down!"

"U.S Army Soldier: C'mon, you glory hounds! You wanna live forever?! Let's stop that little commie! Find him, neutralize him!"

"Mutant Government Agent: One... plus... one... equal... window! Hurr... hurr..."

"Mutant Government Agent: My... brain... hurts!"

"Mutant Government Agent: Think... hurt... Ouch!"

"Mutant Government Agent: Feels... so... funky!"

"Mutant Government Agent: Bizarro... World... pretty..."

"Mutant Government Agent: Must... kill... "Mupersan"!"

"Mutant Government Agent: Good... mouse... Algernon... smarter... than... Charly..."

"Mutant Government Agent: [being levitated] Up... up... and away!!"

"Crazy Hobo: 1,742 bottles of beer on the wall, 1,742 bottles of beeeer..."

"Crazy Hobo: These sheep walk around like, errm... sheep!"

"Crazy Hobo: The end is nigh! It's... really, really nigh!"

"Crazy Hobo: Screw it! The end isn't nigh, who am I kidding? What does "nigh" mean, anyways?"

"Crazy Hobo: The electricity - it speaks to me! So does that trashcan. And the small birdies."

"Crazy Hobo: What's my name again?"

"Crazy Hobo: There is no God! I am God! God of stinky poopy pants!"

"Crazy Hobo: What if God doesn't really exist? What if he's just a... an existential manifestation of our collective cultural yearning for a sense of parental power over a chaotic universe?! ...Nah."

"Crazy Scientist: I love Bert Whither, even though he called me a crackpot on that TV interview. He said lukewarm fusion wouldn't work, but I know it would if only I'd have gotten the funding, but I didn't, thanks to Bert Whither. Bastard."

"Crazy Scientist: I heard that the dolphins are doing a good job keeping in touch with the extraterrestrials. I heard that from one of the mice! (a reference to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)"

"Crazy Scientist: They were like astronauts on some sort of a star trek in a galaxy far, far away, but it turned out they were all DAMN DIRTY APES! YOU MANIACS!"

"Crazy Scientist: Oh my God, I'm having an internal monologue... about an internal monologue!"

"Scientist: If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand. Heh."

"Scientist: I'm working on something called the Internet, but I'm worried it won't catch on..."

"Scientist: [in reference to the nuclear bomb] I fervently hope that we never need to use this fearsome instrument of death. On the other hand, if we do, IT'S GOING TO LOOK WICKED COOL!"

"Scientist: [in reference to the nuclear bomb] This device could kill a million Communists in the blink of an eye! Papa would be so proud..."

"Scientist: Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and I can't get lucky to save my life!"

"Scientist: God does not play dice with the universe. He does, however, hit the blackjack tables."

"Scientist: Wait a minute - what if E equaled mc cubed?.... MY GOD! I just saw the hole in my pants by looking around the curvature of space and time!!!"

"Scientist: I've got it! The solution to Fermat's Last Theorem! It's... oh, wait, wait... ah crap, I just had it!"

"Scientist: Uncertainty principle? Give me a break! Grow some balls, Heisenberg!"

"Scientist: I could call them... quarks! Nah, it's not commercial enough. Leptons? Hmm, nope, nope. Mesons? No, that sounds like a stupid alien race in some sort of child's game! Gluons? Now that's just plain silly!"

"Tannoy: Attention, space freak. You are completely surrounded. You have exactly ten seconds to drop your weapons and hypnotize yourself into a coma. 10... 9... 8... 7654321! HOT DAMN, FIRE!"

"Capitol City Civilian: This town is getting way too crowded. A million people is just too much. It would be great if something just came along and swept everything away with, say, a super-heated deathray..."

"Soldier: [while on fire] Requesting permission to roll around in the dirt, SIR!"

"Soldier: [while on fire] Soldier would wish to report he is on fire, SIR!"

"Soldier: [lifted into the air by Crypto] If I wanted to fly, I'd have joined the frickin' Air Force!"

"Soldier: [seeing Crypto in area 42] No children allowed here!"

"Farmer: Think about baseball. Think about baseball. Oh, Rock Hudson. NO, DAMMIT! Think about baseball! Think about baseball!..."

"Soldier: Y'know, it occurs to me. What if we shouldn't be messing around with nuclear explosives? What if we're just not ready? Maybe man was not meant to flirt with his own annihilation in such a cavalier way without at least first developing the ethical maturity to use such awesome power... Aw, what the hell? Nuke 'em all and let God sort it out!"