"[lamenting to his agent about being passed over for choice roles and the agent could hardly get a word edgewise] White boys get all the Oscars. It's a fact. Did I ever get a nomination? No and you know why? 'Cause I ain't played none of them slave roles, or get my ass whipped. That's when you get the nominations. Black dude play a slave role, gets his ass whipped, gets the nomination, white boy play an idiot, they get the Oscar. Find me a script as a retarded slave, then I'll get the Oscar."

"Caroline Blakiston as Hon. Esther Grand"

"Peter Bayliss as Pompous Toff"

"The Con is On."

"The one thing my grandma does do that irritates me is she gets the walkin' farts, you know. Every step she takes, something come out, you know. [takes a few steps while making fart sounds] But the-- It's horrible. But the worst part is, she gets the walkin' farts at the flea market. And that's bad because when she's at the flea market, she wears them spandex drawers. So now it can't escape nowhere, you know what I mean? And she let out a walkin' fart in them spandex drawers, looks like a mouse runnin' down the inside of her pant leg right there, like that. Good Lord. Yeah. And then it starts to form a big ball in the back of her britches because it can't escape. It looks like she stole a cabbage or somethin'. And the feller runnin' the cabbage stand in there thought she was stealin' cabbages. So he goes, "You're stealin' cabbages." He went to rip her britches down... I'm haulin' ass about this time, you know, because I know Hiroshima fittin' to hit up there at the flea market. When he ripped them down, good Lord. Sounded like a big rig lettin' out the brake pressure. He ripped them down and [makes spraying sound]. "What the hell?" Critters runnin' around... critters runnin' around with no fur on 'em, and people melded to the walls, and Grandpa's pissed. He's like: "[high pitched, distant] You want to get out of the flea market before you kill everybody in here? This is ridiculous!""

"Whatever happened to good-lookin' flight attendants? Good lord, I had the Oak Ridge Boys with titties, on this one airplane I was on. They were ugly, I tell you. And I looked right at that one girl and my wiener went in and out my butt crack. I mean, that's how... That's a true story right there! I ain't makin' that up. I seen her, my wiener come out, went like that, turned around, [makes whooshing noise] Shot right out my dadgum hind end there. And that's documented right there. You know you're ugly when you're makin' fellers poop their own wiener. You know what I mean? That's... that's Glamour Shots or something right there."

"Don't you hate it when you get so dadgum drunk, you look in your pocket the next day and there's some girl's number with a name and you don't know nothing about it? So you call her up and you hear this, "[hoarsely] Hello?" "Yeah, is Debbie there?" "This is Debbie." "I ain't drinkin' no more. That's ridiculous right there. I ain't drinkin'.""

"I was drivin' down to see a buddy of mine down in Tulsa, Oklahoma, not long ago. That's right. You know what Tulsa spelled backward is? A slut. Do you know what a slut backward is? A hundred dollars!"

"I told you, last time we got together, I always thought Stayfree Mini pads ought to do NASCAR sponsorship. I just thought the announcin' would be purty cool. "It's a beautiful summer's eve here at the track. The K-Y Jelly car has just accelerated... and easily slipped into the number two hole." Get her done. "The Vagisil car has been itchin' and burnin' rubber all season out there... and is number one in the Busch Standin's.""

"A week ago, my wife and a few of her friends were making jokes and giggling about this product called Astroglide. It's this - It's apparently... It is this lubricant that they sell in stores right next to the condominiums and... but it's supposed to be really good stuff. I mean, apparently, you're able to put it on a Cadillac and get it in a doghouse. But as they're talking about, I swear to you, my first thought was: "I bet I could put that on the poles the bird feeders are on and keep the squirrels off of them." The squirrels are driving me crazy! If you come by my house at 5:00 in the morning, you will see me on the back porch in my underwear with night-vision goggles, holding a BB gun, waiting on the squirrels."

"I embarrassed my kids so bad in the last school year. I have two daughters and I live right next door to my brother, who has three daughters, so almost every day, I drive them to school. And last year, while I was driving them to school, we ran out of gas in the carpool lane because my wife does not know it's actually legal for women to purchase gasoline, so... But we run out of gas and people are honking the horn and having to back up and go around us and the kids are just mortified, so the next morning when I took them, I made sure the tank was just as full as it could possibly be, and I pull up to the front of the school and they have, like these assistant teachers that help open the door, and I'm not even trying to be funny, but as we pull up to the front, I roll down the passenger window and yell out, "I've got gas this morning!" And the kids were like, "Oh, God, just go home! Just go home!""

"My wife's favorite show is the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. My wife loves that show. A lot of women like that one. Guys, you know what I'm talking about? If you haven't seen it, it's a show where women will dump their boyfriends off for the weekend with five gay guys and then they take him and buy new clothes and they get his hair cut and they clean up his apartment. And I told my wife, I said, "This only works one way. Men would not be allowed to dump their girlfriends off with five hookers and say, 'Just slut her up. Just a little bit, you know.'""

"Did you know Britney Spears hurt her leg and had to cancel some dates? But they said with the proper rehabilitation, she should be back on her knees in no time, so that's..."

"I was drivin' down the road the other day and I get pulled over, and the policeman said, "You been drinkin'?" I'm like, "No. Why, is there fat girl in my back seat?" Good lord. "By God, there's two of 'em! I guess I was drinkin'!"

"It's not easy keeping an erection with a clown in a barrel in the corner of the room. [makes weird face] Is it, sir?"

"When we got married, we got married in Nassau. We were walking down the street, we'd just got married. And it's a beautiful day, we'd been married for 45 minutes, so things are going great, right? And this guy comes up to me and my wife and he goes, "Hey, man, I saw you on the Blue Collar deal." And I said, "Well, thank you very much." Which is kind of a stupid thing for me to say because he didn't say he liked it. He just said he saw it, right? But I don't always know what to say so I said, "Thank you very much, hope you have a nice day." And I turned around and he goes, "I was talkin' to you." I'm like, "What?" He goes, "Do you like Garth Brooks?" I'm like, :Yeah, I like Garth Brooks fine." I don't, but I said I did because, you know, I just wanted to get on with my day. He goes, "Garth Brooks it the only entertainer in America worth paying money to see." I was like - Now I'm trying not to be a jerk because my manager told me I couldn't be a jerk anymore no matter what, right? So I said, "Well, I'm sure a lot of people feel that way because he's a great entertainer and he's got throngs of fans. He's sold a billion records. Anyway, have a nice day. He goes, "I camped out one time for five days to get Garth Brooks tickets." I'm like, "Really? I wouldn't camp out for five days if I was... camping."

"I'm from Texas. I'm a cowboy, a real cowboy. I was a bronc rider for six years of my life. And it's affected me. Now, when I have sex, my arm goes like this. [makes jerking motions with his right arm] Seems to be some dispute between the wife and I whether or not I'm staying on that full eight seconds. So we got the timer and the buzzer and set it up right there in the bedroom and I taught her the meaning of the phrase, "most of the time.""

"I told that story three weeks ago in Nashville. Nothing. Like I just told a big Jesus joke in the middle of Bethlehem. This guy actually accosted me after the show. He goes, "You don't understand Garth Brooks." I'm like, "Yeah, I do." He goes, "No, you don't. He's country and he's rock 'n' roll." I know. "He's like Led Zepplin with a big-ass belt buckle. He's like Aerosmith with a can of Skoal! He's Donnie and he's Marie!" Take him camping with you."

"I saw this commercial last week for a bladder control awareness group. Let me explain something to you: if you have a bladder control problem... you're probably aware of it. You know? Or you're in some weird-ass denial I've never even heard of. "Bob, I've got a moisture problem in this area and I don't know if it's condensation due to high humidity or... or if I'm pissin' myself, Bob, I...""

"I would like to talk for just a little bit about firework safety. It's something I like to do every time I speak in public. No, seriously, years ago, my friend Timmy Smithers and I went to a Fourth of July celebration and at one point in the festivities, Timmy leaned back too far with a lit punk and ignited the main fireworks display for the evening, inevitably causing his death and not a night goes by that I don't wake up, feeling horrible, because I know in my heart that there was more I could've done to save his life... but it was so pretty. "Timmy, no-- Would ya look at that! That's the beginning of the Chinese Space Program!" [looks shocked]"

"My wife and I, we love watching, like Dateline, 20-20, those shows. But you know how every week they will feature a disease. And I swear to you, every week, no matter what the disease is, my wife has it. There could be three people on the planet that have this disease. My wife is one of them. She just watches it going, "I've got it. I have every one of those symptoms." I'm like, "You do not have testicular cancer. You don't even have testiculars!""

"Things are going great, though. For me, not for my grandpa. He can't afford Viagra. I bought him Ginkgo biloba. Now he can remember what it's like to have a hard-on."

"I mean, what if it's just a goofy looking fish? You know, like a dork fish. You know? He'd be out in that desert like, "[in stupid voice] Oh, this ain't the ocean! Whoo, I better find me some water! [guffaws]" Can you imagine if you were fishing and you caught a dork fish? Because you know your friends are like, "Hey, man... what kind of fish is that?" And you'd be like, "Oh... nothing." Because you know that fish'll stick his head out of that bucket... "I'M A DORK FISH! He caught me on a corn dog! I swear to God! I was swimming underneath the ocean, and I said, 'What's a corn dog doin' underneath the ocean?!' But, boy, you know me, I love them dang corn dogs, boy! Whoo!""

"Easy, Seabiscuit."

"We are so bent on figuring everything out about animals and they're just animals. We don't have to figure-- All right, great example. In California, in the desert, they found the bones of this prehistoric porpoise and they're saying it's interesting because his upper jaw sticks out a lot further than his lower jaw, so I'm figuring he's gotta look like... [makes a strange face] And they're trying to figure out if this upper jaw was used during sex or for eating... and I'm thinking, "You know what? You can rule out sex... 'cause of you look like this... [makes face again]... sex ain't happening, all right?""

"The Chinese have a new space program, now. It's not like the American Space Program because in the Chinese Space Program Tang... is one of the astronauts."

"You see, ladies, men have three basic needs in life. That's it. Three: eating, sleeping, sex. That's our whole day. And I can do all three of those in my truck. By myself. In traffic!"

"Did you ever take a crap so big your pants fit better? Did that ever happen to anybody in here? Anybody? I'm hopin' that happens to me later tonight because these babies don't fit anymore. I'm hopin' I'm one big turd away from backin' into an old wardrobe."

"They got this prescription stuff that they advertise on TV and I swear, half the time, the side effects are fifty times worse than what the medicine cures. It's like, "Try new Fluorofluor. For itchy, watery eyes, it's Fluorofluor. Side effects may include nausea, vomiting, water weight gain, lower back pain, receding hairline, eczema, seporiasoriasis, itching, chaffing clothing, liver spots, blood clots, ringworm, excessive body odor, uneven tire wear, pyorrhea, gonorrhea, diarrhea, halitosis, scoliosis, loss of bladder control, hammertoe, the shanks, low sperm count, warped floors, cluttered drawers, hunchback, heart attack, low resale value on your home... feline leukemia, athlete's foot, head lice, clubfoot, MS, MD, VD, fleas, anxiety, sleeplessness, drowsiness, poor gas mileage, tooth decay, parvo, warts, unibrow, lazy eye, fruit flies, chest pains, clogged drains, hemorrhoids, dry heaving and sexual dysfunction." I'm watching it going, "You know what, I'll just have itchy, watery eyes...""

"[describing a whale-watching trip] We just paid $200 a piece to have a whale hawk a loogie on us."

"Little Richard – Orvis Goodnight"

"Evan Richards – Max Whiteman"

"Elizabeth Peña – Carmen the Maid"

"Tracy Nelson – Jenny Whiteman"

"Nick Nolte – Jerry Baskin"

"Bette Midler – Barbara Whiteman"

"Mino Argento – Paintings"

"Richard Dreyfuss – David "Dave" Whiteman"