Screenplays By Dan Aykroyd

"You know, Connie, I read in a magazine that you can talk to me about anything."

"[going into labour] My plubar has broken,....the birth spasm has begun."

"Highmaster: Let it be written... are you writing this?"

"Ronnie: [seeing Connie eat] Whoa! My mother is the only one who could take a sandwich like that."

"Gorman Seedling: You just can't talk religion with some people!"

"Dan Aykroyd as Beldar Conehead / Donald R. DeCicco"

"Jane Curtin as Prymaat Conehead / Mary Margaret Rowney"

"Michelle Burke as Connie Conehead"

"Michael McKean as Gorman Seedling, INS Agent"

"David Spade as Eli Turnbull, Seedling's assistant"

"Chris Farley as Ronnie Bradford, Connie's boyfriend"

"Sinbad as Otto"

"Are there any Paraguayans here? [subtle laugh from the reporters] Well, of course, their requests for subsidies was not Paraguayan in and of it is as it were the United States government would never have if the president, our president, had not and as far as I know that's the way it will always be. Is that clear?"

"I'm sorry I'm late; I had to attend the reading of a will. I had to stay till the very end, and I found out I received nothing... broke my arm."

"My objective? Well I object to taking a girl out, you know, and buying her dinner and then she won't put out for you."

"Can I borrow your tent?"

"[Arguing surgical techniques) with a doctor] We mock what we don't understand."

"[rescuing Fitz-Hume] You know, I must really like you, because I don't like horses and I hate guns!"

"For once I'm completely in agreement with my partner. I'm not going down there. Do you know what those things can do? Suck the paint off your house and give your family a permanent orange afro."

"Hard to believe its been only 15 minutes since I destroyed the world. In another 15 minutes, it'll all be over. Such a short time to destroy a world. And to think my high school guidance counselor said I'd never amount to anything."

"Col. Rhumbus: Boys, it would be a shame to have to kill you now."

"Karen Boyer: Gentlemen, I think you both should realize the gravity of this moment. I've spent the last two-and-a-half years of my life preparing for this penetration."

"General Sline: When we commissioned the Schmectel Corporation to research this precise event sequence scenario, it was determined that the continual stockpiling and development of our nuclear arsenal was becoming self-defeating. A weapon unused is a useless weapon."

"Chevy Chase - Emmett Fitz-Hume"

"Dan Aykroyd - Austin Millbarge"

"Donna Dixon - Karen Boyer"

"Bruce Davison - Ruby"

"William Prince - Keyes"

"Steve Forrest - General Sline"

"Tom Hatten - General Miegs"

"Bernie Casey - Colonel Rhumbus"

"Charles McKeown - Jerry Hadley"

"Vanessa Angel - Soviet Rocket Crewperson"

"- Sister Mary Stigmata (a.k.a. The Penguin)"

"- Maury Sline"

"Twiggy - Chic Lady"

"- Corrections Officer"

"Charles Napier - Tucker McElroy"

"Steven Spielberg - Cook County Assessor's Office Clerk"

"- Burton Mercer"

"- Head Nazi"

"Carrie Fisher - Mystery Woman"

"Paul Reubens - Chez Paul Waiter"

"- Alan 'Mr. Fabulous' Rubin"

"- Matt 'Guitar' Murphy"

"- 'Blue Lou' Marini"

"- Tom 'Bones' Malone"

"- Willie 'Too Big' Hall"

"- Murphy 'Murph' Dunne"

"John Belushi - 'Joliet' Jake Blues"