"[on the phone, to Cindy's voicemail] I know you're not gonna call me back but... Hum, one more thing, remember that time I missed your awards dinner? Well, hum, I wasn't really working. I was at home watching Kourtney and Kim Take New York... I'm sorry, hum... What else?"

"[about River] You know, he's just a little boy. Little boys fight. Doesn't mean he's going to grow up to be a frat-boy rapist."

"I like to think that if you put your trust out there; if you really give people the benefit of the doubt, see their best intentions, people will rise to the occasion."

"Joan Rivers as the voice of Julie (uncredited)"

"Jason Schaller, Jaryd Waternoose, Jacob Haines, and Christopher Aydon as Michael "Mikey""

"Abe Vigoda as Grandpa"

"Joy Boushel as Melissa"

"Twink Caplan as Rona"

"Olympia Dukakis as Rosie"

"George Segal as Albert"

"Kirstie Alley as Mollie"

"John Travolta as James Ubriacco"

"He has got John Travolta's smile, Kirstie Alley's eyes and the voice of Bruce Willis...Now all he has to do is find himself the perfect daddy."

"He is hip, he is slick and he is only three months old."

"(After Mikey gets born, she sees married men looking at the baby ward congratulating their wives and passing out cigars celebrating their newborns) Look at all those daddies down there. They are making goofball faces and taking pictures. Well, you will not find your father here. I really messed things up for you. I do not want you to be upset, because I am going to go out there and find you a daddy, and this time I am going to be smart about it. I am not going to go for some handsome guy just because I am in love with him. You are the only thing that matters to me, and I am going to go out there and I am going to get you the best daddy there is."

"[Seeing a commercial for Snuggle fabric softener] Hey, it is the Bear Show! This guy is great."

"Katie Aselton - Amy (dog owner)"

"Bob Stephenson - Officer Washburn"

"We are all blind men trying to see the elephant."

"The most significant film to have come out of India in a long time."

"Look into your own religion. There's constant reference to relativity. Your ancients, they were masters of understanding that there is no one ultimate rule book for all situations. The woman churning curd into butter, she has to pull one end of the rope and let the other end go, otherwise the rope will break. Contradictions and polarities are two ends of the same rope. You can pull one end and let the other end go."

"Toh aapne kaunse jhande gaad diye! Kaunsi duniya badal daali? Desh aazadi ke liye lad raha tha toh aap maa ko padosiyon ke yahan chhod kar chali jaati thi gaaon gaaon logon ko batane ke liye - condom pehno condom pehno! Hogayi kranti? Hogayi samajh seva? aap ke kaam se kuch bhi farak padha hota toh yeh sawa sau karod kahan se aa jate!"

"Aapke issi swabhav ki wajah se maa tang aa gayi thi. Bade bade logon ki khokhli baaton se dur bhaag jana chahti thi. Apni zindagi kissi bade udeshya ke liye de dena badi bhaari apeksha hai… Kissi se bhi!"

"Mein agyani hun, gawar hun yeh kahena ek baat hai par mein sab kuch paise ke liye karta hun yeh kahogi toh chubhe ga nahi mujhe?"