"The Author: [having finished listening to Mr Moustafa's story; last lines] A week later, I sailed for a cure in South America, and began a long, wandering journey abroad. I did not return to Europe for many years. It was an enchanting old ruin... [his voice turns into that of his older self] ...but I never managed to see it again."

"Ralph Fiennes - Monsieur Gustave H."

"Tony Revolori - Young Zero Moustafa"

"Edward Norton - Inspector Henckels"

"[to Mme. Celine's corpse] You're looking so well, darling, you really are... they've done a marvelous job. I don't know what sort of cream they've put on you down at the morgue, but... I want some."

"Rudeness is merely an expression of fear. People fear they won't get what they want. The most dreadful and unattractive person only needs to be loved, and they will open up like a flower."

"If I die first, and I almost certainly will, you will be my sole heir. There's not much in the kitty, except a set of ivory-backed hairbrushes and my library of romantic poetry, but when the time comes, these will be yours. Along with whatever we haven't already spent on whores and whiskey."

"You see, there are still faint glimmers of civilization left in this barbaric slaughterhouse that was once known as humanity. Indeed that's what we provide in our own modest, humble, insignificant... oh, fuck it."

"Harvey Keitel - Ludwig"

"Mr Moustafa: When the destiny of a great fortune is at stake, men's greed spreads like a poison in the bloodstream. Uncles, nephews, cousins, in-laws of increasingly tenuous connection. The old woman's distant relations had come foraging out of the woodwork."

"F. Murray Abraham - Old Zero Moustafa"

"Owen Wilson - Monsieur Chuck"

"Bob Balaban - M. Martin"

"Tom Wilkinson - The Author as an Old Man"

"Léa Seydoux - Clotilde"

"Jason Schwartzman - Monsieur Jean"

"Tilda Swinton - Madame Céline Villeneuve Desgoffe und Taxis (Madame D.)"

"What is a lobby boy? A lobby boy is completely invisible, yet always in sight. A lobby boy remembers what people hate. A lobby boy anticipates the client's needs before the needs are needed. A lobby boy is, above all, discreet to a fault. Our guests know that their deepest secrets, some of which are frankly rather unseemly, will go with us to our graves. So keep your mouth shut, Zero."

"Bill Murray - Monsieur Ivan"

"Enzo Tarascio - Professor Quadri"

"Fosco Giachetti - Il colonnello"

"José Quaglio - Italo"

"Gastone Moschin - Manganiello"

"[disgusted by Marcello's inability to act and leaving their car] How disgusting! I've always said so. Make me work in the shit - sure, but not with a coward! It's up to me! Cowards, homosexuals, Jews - they're all the same thing! If it were up to me, I'd stand them all against a wall! Better yet - eliminate them when they're born!"

"Jean-Louis Trintignant - Marcello Clerici"

"Dominique Sanda - Anna Quadri"

"Stefania Sandrelli - Giulia"

"It's funny, though, you know? Everyone would like to be different from the others, but instead you want to be the same as everyone else."

"Oh, hunchbacks bring good luck."

"Ten years ago, my father was in Munich. Often, after the theater, he told me that he'd go with friends to a Bierstube. There was a nutty man they thought a fool. He spoke about politics. He was quite an attraction. They'd buy him beer and encourage him. He'd stand up on the table making furious speeches. It was Hitler."

"He'll be a typical intellectual, disagreeable and impotent."

"Pierre Clémenti - Lino"

"[somewhat inebriated] Shopping is only for women. Husbands pay!"

"My mother always says everything I write is wonderful, but she's never really read anything to the end."

"Until 1945 there were in the German Reich around 40 National Political Educational Institutes with more than 15,000 students. When the war was finally acknowledged as being lost, they were sent out into the "Final Struggle". Blinded by instructed fanaticism and insufficiently armed, they still offered bitter resistance in many battles. Half of them died."

"Men may make history, but we make the men."

"Rohan Mitra - Kate Hedges"

"Cleaning Da Filth From Da PM's Hood"

"Barbara New - Nan"

"Martin Freeman - Richard "Ricky C" Cunningham"

"Ray Panthaki - Hassan B"

"Vote Ali G"

"[to Ali] You know, you are unbelievably stupid."

"Now, I am going to shoot you!"