"[I]t's every actress's worst nightmare to see her butt fifty feet tall in a movie theater. I decided that I needed to lose more weight for the role and visited a place called the Lindora Clinic where they put me on a 500-calorie-a-day diet and shot me full of a combination of vitamins and a substance that I would later discover to be pregnant-horse urine. My first day on set I was scheduled to perform the strip scene. The director, Jack Sholder, was not a happy man when he discovered that I'd duped him in regard to my physical attributes. Luckily, I'd already come clean to the wardrobe mistress, who'd set about designing a set of prosthetic breasts that I could wear under a cut-off T-shirt. It was a double win for me, because it meant that I also got to dodge the topless scene that Jack had planned on filming. [...] I attended the premiere of The Hidden and was pleased that my fake boobs looked convincing. Whether the horse piss worked I don't know, but when my butt had its premiere on the big screen, I breathed a sigh of relief; the nightmare had been averted—my alien-possessed ass looked pretty damn good."

"Look, Ed, Tom Beck is the best I've got. If I give him to you, I'll never get him back again. My department will then crumble, crime will run rampant, the city will fall into ruin, rampaging hordes will control the streets, and life as we know it will end."

"- Agent Lloyd Gallagher/Robert Stone/Alhague"

"- Carol Miller"

"Danny Trejo - a prisoner"

"- Ferrari Salesman"

"- Det. Cliff Willis"

"- Barbara Beck"

"- Agent Stadt"

"You can make yourself cum using only your mind? That's like the one thing my mind can't do."

"Gigi: I lost my virginity in what I thought was a park but... it turned out to be a graveyard, and now the ghost spirits live inside my eggs waiting to be reborn."

"Mason Gooding - Nick Howland"

"Mike O'Brien - Pat the Pizza Guy"

"Victoria Ruesga - Ryan"

"Skyler Gisondo - Jared"

"Molly Gordon - Annabelle aka "Triple A""

"Noah Galvin - George"

"Diana Silvers - Hope"

"Eduardo Franco - Theo"

"Austin Crute - Alan"

"Lisa Kudrow - Charmaine Antsler"

"Will Forte - Doug Antsler"

"Jason Sudeikis - Principal Jordan Brown"

"Triple A: I'm incredible at hand-jobs but I also got a fifteen-sixty on the SATs."

"Kaitlyn Dever - Amy Antsler"

"Beanie Feldstein - Molly Davidson"

"Billie Lourd - Gigi"

"Jessica Williams - Miss Fine"

"Nico Hiraga - Tanner"

"Victor Cruz — Fernando"

"Olivia Culpo — Raven-Haired Beauty"

"Don Johnson — Frank Whitten"

"Radio Man (Craig Castaldo) — himself"

"David Thornton — Nick"

"I swear, every time I look through a set of binoculars, he's got a new mistress."

"If we find anymore mistresses I'm going to have to send her to rehab."

"You slept with him, didn't you? One night and you went right back to being a Stepford."

"We should kick him in the balls!"

"Lydia: Selfish people live longer."

"Nikolaj Coster-Waldau — Mark King"

"Taylor Kinney — Phil Hampton"

"The ultimate girls night in."

"Leslie Mann — Kate Hampton"

"He'll never know what hit him."

"The oddest friends are about to get even."

"Cameron Diaz — Carly Whitten"

"Kate Upton — Amber"

"Nicki Minaj — Lydia"

"Mark King: I wouldn't even be me without you. I might not always get it right, but I'm right where I want to be."

"Enrico Colantoni - Dooley"