Ted (film)

"Oh, come on! I do not sound that much like Peter Griffin!"

"Back off, Susan Boyle!"

"Stick your finger in the loop of my tag!"

"Merry Christmas, Everybody!"

"Now if there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that nothing is more powerful than a young boy's wish. Except an Apache helicopter. An Apache helicopter has machine guns and missiles. It is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry, an absolute death machine."

"No matter how big a splash you make in this world whether you're Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber, or a talking teddy bear, eventually, nobody gives a shit."

"And that's the story of how one magical wish forever changed the lives of three, very special friends. Ted and Tami-Lynn continued their torrid love affair for quite sometime. One afternoon, Ted was caught behind the Deli counter eating potato salad off of Tami-Lynn's bare bottom. He was instantly promoted to Store Manager. Sam Jones moved back to Hollywood, with a goal of restarting his film career. He currently resides in Burbank, where he shares a studio apartment with his roommate, Brandon Routh. Remember Brandon Routh from that god-awful Superman movie? Jesus Christ! Thanks for getting our hopes up and taking a giant shit on us! Rex was forced to give up his pursuit of Lori. Not long afterward, he fell into a deep depression, and died of Lou Gehrig's Disease. Donny was arrested by Boston Police in charge with kidnapping a plush toy. The charges were dropped when everyone realized how completely stupid that sounded. Robert got a trainer, lost a substantial amount of weight, and went on to become Taylor Lautner."

"Asian Man: What the hell you problem?! You breaka my wall, I breaka your wall!"

"Mark Wahlberg - John Bennett"

"Seth MacFarlane, Zane Cowans - Ted"

"Mila Kunis - Lori Collins"

"Joel McHale - Rex"

"Giovanni Ribisi - Donny"

"Aedin Mincks - Robert"

"Patrick Warburton - Guy"

"Laura Vandervoort - Tanya"

"Matt Walsh - Thomas"

"Jessica Barth - Tami-Lynn"

"Bill Smitrovich - Frank Stevens"

"Alex Borstein - John's mother"

"Ralph Garman - John's father"

"Jessica Stroup - Tracy"

"Sam J. Jones - himself"

"Ryan Reynolds (uncredited) - Jared"

"Norah Jones - herself"

"Tom Skerritt - himself"

"Mike Henry - a Southern newscaster"

"Robert Wu - Wan Ming/Ming the Merciless"

"Ted Danson (uncredited) - himself"