Comedians From The United States

"You wanna hear a funny story? So uh... five years ago- I quit performing live comedy. Because I was beginning to have uh severe panic attacks while on stage. Which is not a great place to have them. So I-I quit... and I didn't perform for five years. And I spent that time trying to improve myself mentally. And you know what- I did, I got better. I got so much better in fact, that in January of... 2020, I thought "you know what I should... start performing again. I've been hiding from the world and I need to reenter." And then... the funniest thing happened..."

"So, um... I've been working on this special now for six months. And the whole time I've had a... a goal in mind, which is I wanted to finish this thing before I turned 30. Um, because the idea of turning 30, while still in this fucking room, working on this thing alone, um, that just seemed... I just... I just wanted to avoid that. And you might be thinking, "Well, that's fine. You know, look at you, You radiate such youth, You must not be turning 30 for years." And that's very, uh, nice of you to say. But the truth is um, I turn 30 in less than a minute. So I'm just gonna sit here and enjoy my twenties, and then get back to work. Yay."

"I must be psychotic / I must be demented To think that I'm worthy of all this attention Of all of this money you worked really hard for I slept in late while you worked at the drug store My drug's attention / I am an addict But I get paid to indulge in my habit It's all an illusion / I'm wearing makeup I'm wearing makeup, makeup, makeup"

"The simple narrative taught in every history class Is demonstrably false and pedagogically classist Don't you know the world is built with blood? And genocide and exploitation The global network of capital essentially functions To separate the worker from the means of production And the FBI killed Martin Luther King Private property's inherently theft And neoliberal fascists are destroying the left And every politician, every cop on the street Protects the interests of the pedophilic corporate elite"

"Could I interest you in everything? All of the time? A little bit of everything All of the time Apathy's a tragedy And boredom is a crime Anything and everything All of the time"

"What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? ... Names!"

"'Cause girls are like donuts when I be bustin' Bo nuts I can make 'em cream-filled or give them a layer of glaze I'm like Doug's friend Skeeter whenever I meet her Because I skeet her so hard people call her Patty Mayonnaise"

"Hey, what can you say? We were overdue But it'll be over soon"

"The average person has one Fallopian tube. [pause for laughter] The average penis length is 5.5 inches, and finally, the average penis length of a man who googles "average penis length" is 3.5 inches."

"I always wanted to be a comedian and actor, [...] I basically stumbled into the music medium, though. I'm OK, but that's about it. I like to think I'm good enough not to negatively affect the performance."

"We know, Lord, from John 3:16, that you so loved the world that you sent your only son to die for us. Your only son! But at the same time, we're all your children, so in your eyes, we're a bunch of girls. So help us as we struggle with the temptations of lesbianism. Amen."

"Love is... your favorite food for every breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and Love is... the Holocaust, except you don't die quick and you don't get thinner, and Love is... bein' the owner of the company that makes rape whistles, and Even though you started the company with good intentions, trying to reduce the rate of rape, Now you don't want to reduce it at all, 'cause if the rape rate declines, you'll see an equal decline in whistle sales"

"What's a pirate minus the ship? / Just a creative homeless guy And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant? / An ironic way to die And what's domain domain range? / A kid with too much in his pants And two balls minus one? / Seven titles at the Tour de France"

"We the people of the USA / José, we're not talkin' to you, ese We got a border in order to keep you out / It's what my NYU essay's about Cause we're xenophobic warrior princess / Molested by my Uncle Sam, is that incest? "I Want You... to smell my finger! Does my nephew's scent still linger?""

"Love is... takin' a dive and gettin' really comfortable and peein' in the pool, and Love is... a real-life porn— minus all the stuff that makes porn cool, and Love is... a homeless guy searchin' for treasure in the middle of the rain, and Findin' a bag of gold coins and slowly finding out they're all filled with chocolate, and Even though he's heartbroken, he can't complain, 'cause he was hungry in the first place"

"Look at all of Bo's hos, lookin' for a ride on Bo's hose And I spot a little Latino, booty so big, call it "Oprah's ego" We go to it, through it / She says "¡Dios mia, mi amigo!" Pull it out, stick it in your mouth, and I bust in the back of ya "Swallow bitch! There's people starvin' in Africa!""

"If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no."

"We [artists] ask questions! [...] Questions like "Where are all the Sour Patch Parents?" Questions like "If Mickey's a mouse, and Minnie's a mouse, and Donald's a duck, and Daisy and Goofy-- if they're all animals and they can talk, why is Pluto just a fuckin' dog? Did they just forget to anthropomorphize him, or worse, is Mickey keeping a mentally-handicapped dude as a pet?"

"If every day you play the board game Risk You've probably never taken a risk In your life / And Monopoly has far From a stranglehold on the board game market A little kid died from suffocation When he choked on a game piece from Operation"

"The best way I can describe it is: after the show was over, at a party or any — any kind social gathering, if one of us bumped into each other, that was it, that was the end of the night. We just sat with the person all night long — and that was it. You apologized to the people that you were with, but they had to understand you had met somebody special to you, and you were going to talk to that person for the rest of the night. And that's the way it worked. It's certainly the way it worked with all of us. It's just the way it is. … Now, I'm gonna cry now."

"Dating Julia Roberts had been too much for me. I had been constantly certain that she was going to break up with me. Why would she not? I was not enough; I could never be enough; I was broken, bent, unloveable. So instead of facing the inevitable agony of losing her, I broke up with the beautiful and brilliant Julia Roberts."

"Shoot me up with a big one."

"Even when he was going through some painful times of his own, he was always incredibly funny and cheerful and always making me laugh."

"He doesn't have to be the funniest guy in the room. Now, he's a guy who is much more secure. He's not afraid to look in the mirror anymore. Underneath all the (stuff) that used to get in his way was a heart of gold. He's really a super-compassionate human being. He's so smart. He's always got good advice. I've gotten free therapy from him for years. He's very intuitive."

"Matthew is a complete pro. Everyday that we were shooting, we were getting great material."

"I thought it would be interesting if I came back to television to play somebody somewhat dark. What's bizarre is that we're shooting seven feet from the Friends stage. I know how long it takes to get here from my house."

"I have a dark side; it's been pretty well documented. It wouldn't be bad to show that in some light in my work...It's something I no longer fear doing and am actually excited about doing."

"I think actors look for good material and I had heard about this script by Aaron and I read it and thought I had to come back to television. I'm here mostly because of how good the script is and how bad The Whole 10 Yards was."

"I'm not as funny as Chandler is. Because Chandler has thirty people writing for him."

"It's odd. Fifty percent of me feels it's the right time to be closing this. The other 50 percent of me is saying it's more than a show. It's a group of people that love each other. It's a group of people that come together every day trying to make America laugh, and what better thing is there to do than that?"

"It's been more than a show. It's been a wonderful support group. It's a group of people that love each other, that come together every day to try to make America laugh. What better thing is there to do than that?"

"In television or a movie I bring my own ego and consequently can mess up. In the theatre I learnt very quickly to shut up and listen. Now I am able to get out of my own way."

"I've been in the public eye for nine years, and I've gone through different phases with it. At first I loved it. Finally, there's a light shining on me and I've wanted that all this time. Then there were a couple of years where I almost became reclusive because it bothered me so much. The trick is to be able to look at it as something that's ethereal and not real. Fame, or whatever that is, isn't tangible. You can't hang your hat on it. You must be able to sit under your covers and giggle about the nonsense of all of it."

"Even as a child, I had that sort of defense mechanism. If something was awkward, I would try to lighten it up by making people laugh. But like Chandler, I've grown up a little bit in the last eight years and become a lot more comfortable with my serious side. I feel the need to fill the silences a lot less with jokes."

"The man with the real sense of humor is the man who can put himself in the spectator's place and laugh at his own misfortunes."

"Bert Williams has done more for the race than I have. He has smiled his way into people's hearts. I have been obliged to fight my way."

"It is the duty of the humor of any given nation in time of high crisis to attack the catastrophe that faces it in such a manner as to cause the people to laugh at it in such a way that they cannot die before they are killed."

"What a childhood I had. My mother never breast-fed me. She said she liked me as a friend."

"A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower.""

"I tell ya, I grew up in a tough neighborhood. The other night a guy pulled a knife on me. I could see it wasn't a real professional job. There was butter on it."

"I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped."

"I was an ugly kid. I worked in a pet store. People kept asking how big I get."

"I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch."

"I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them."

"In my life I've been through plenty. when I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me."

"What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away."

"I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places."

"I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself."

"There goes the neighborhood."

"I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again."