Comedians From The United States

"There comes a part where the money and the creative elements all come crashing together. Everybody's under a lot of pressure, and everybody is panicking about what works and what doesn't. And the studios and the money always have one perspective and the creative people have another one, and usually what happens is a lot of compromises get made. I decided not to. I walked off and did Tideland and came back six months later."

"The Brothers Grimm came along and I was so desperate for work … Actually I've got to say that I like the movie, I won't apologize for it."

"I think there's a side of me that's trying to compete with Lucas and Spielberg — I don't usually admit this publicly — because I tend to think that they only go so far, and their view of the world is rather simplistic. What I want to do is take whatever cinema is considered normal or successful at a particular time and play around with it — to use it as a way of luring audiences in."

"We were devastated. We spent the whole day — Amy Gilliam, Nicola Pecorini, the director of photography, and myself — lying flat on the floor. Heath Ledger's dead, and you don't quite get over that. I suppose I'm in an interesting position because while I'm cutting the film I'm basically working with him every day and he's fine; he's in good shape. Ideas are floating around. Then finally we decided, 'OK, let's get three other people to take over the part'. And we were lucky because we have a magic mirror in this movie. Not every movie has a magic mirror. So you can very genuinely say that these other actors are different aspects of the character that Heath plays. And it works. The point was, we've got to keep going. It was a bit like half being there, but apparently on autopilot I can still do a few things."

"The underground press was convinced that I was a junkie, an acid head. … But I don't do drugs. I don't like being fucked up. I've got enough bizarre chemicals floating around in my head. I'm just naturally like this."

"Well, I really want to encourage a kind of fantasy, a kind of magic. I love the term magic realism, whoever invented it — I do actually like it because it says certain things. It's about expanding how you see the world. I think we live in an age where we're just hammered, hammered to think this is what the world is. Television's saying, everything's saying "That's the world." And it's not the world. The world is a million possible things."

"We read Dover Books, because you can steal from them. The medieval imagery and iconography is so good for the imagination. Trying to describe the world, trying to describe the cosmos, trying to put it down in neat orderly fashion, unlike reality. And it always seems to stick in one's mind more than reality does."

"It's an abominable place. If there was an Old Testamental God, he would do his job and wipe the place out. The only bad thing is that some really good restaurants would go up as well."

"Nobody went to see Tideland! I was hoping people would get angry about it but those that saw it didn't want to talk about it. This is the world we're living in, people don't want to discuss things that are actually worth discussing."

"I am quite bored nowadays. I don't know if it's age and the fact that I have seen so many things and am less surprised, or whether the problem is truly the content. But things have been repeating themselves for 30-40 years already. It seems to me that there is no desire to push the envelope or even to peek there. People are afraid. In the 1960s and 1970s we pushed the limits farther. More attention was paid to what was going on around. Television and the media are everywhere and they are taking over so powerfully. They don't shut up for a second. So you are unable to think. It is very difficult to think independently when you are surrounded by all that noise. What I most aspire to is to be alone. Not lonely, but alone. To stop all this noise. That is what I do when I go to Umbria. There is no television there, no telephone. The situation is especially serious with television. The money is dispersed among hundreds of stations so that no money is left for good things. In our time there was far greater depth. Not everything is artificial and as cheap as possible. Everyone gossips on television; it's all so trivial and it's impossible to hear anything."

"I went to university on a scholarship that was funded by a church. I was on the way to becoming a Presbyterian missionary. In the end I left school. The reason was that I used to tell jokes about God and the people around me did not like the jokes. I asked them, What kind of God is this who can't cope with my lousy jokes? What kind of God feels threatened by these jokes? So I left. And the truth is that this is exactly what I have to say about the present situation. Everything has become too political and it is ludicrous. I understand why they are upset, but it has reached an absurd pass and the Muslims are only hurting themselves."

"You know how we built the pyramids? You gotta ask yourself a question always flip the script. What if up was down and down was up? What if you looked down into space standing up on Earth? This is how we built the pyramids."

"There's only three major elements. Air, land, which is your flesh and water, which is your blood. You're walking on a third of yourself. She's called Mother Earth. She gave birth to your ass. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, your maggot food ass going right back to her!"

"We live in a three dimensional plane. Life is on the third planet from the sun not the second. Ain't nobody lying on a piece of paper looking at each other"

"Y'all can relax about that Osama bin Laden shit. I'm a handle the shit myself. Because I can't understand how they can't find the motherfucker, six foot six with a nappy beard and a towel on his head, but they can find my cousin four foot eleven in Compton. You know what I mean? The mother fucker worth half a billion dollars. Look for the cave with the satellite hook up. If a Rolls Royce is parked in front of the cave, nigga probably in there. If you walk in the cave and he got velvet paintings of Saddam Hussein, I think the nigga in there. Who the fuck they got hunting this mother fucka, Gomer Pyle?"

"Nigga, give me 5 Bloods, 5 Crips, 4 Mexicans and 3 rednecks, this shit would have been over! Niggas and Mexicans, we would've went over there and stole all the tracks off their tanks. Nigga, them tanks be on bricks. Niggas come back home, "Nigga, who want some tank tracks?" And you know rednecks love hunting. Nigga, a redneck, you give that mother fucka a 30.06 with a scope on it, he can hit a fly off a deer's ear from 500 yards. They don't fuck around. And they all got a hunting dog named Petey, you know them pointer motherfuckers. Nigga, a redneck be like, [Redneck accent] "He's got them goddamn clothes with that boy's scent on it. Take a whiff of that, Petey! Smell it good, boy! We're goin' in!" Nigga, you drop their ass off in Afghanistan, Petey gonna point at the right cave. [Mimicking Petey] "Mofucker in there. Motherfucker in there!! I smell him!!""

"Back in that ass, yeah Your mom says hi, jinx!"

"Hey, boys, I want you both, I hope that you think that's cool (Say word?). I know most guys won't freak together. But she forgot about the golden rule Ah-ah-ah!It's okay when it's in a 3-way. It's not gay when it's in a 3-way. With a honey in the middle, there's some leeway. The area's grey in a 1-2-3-way."

"As they become adults, they are feeling that they have different interests at times, and they all realize that it is healthy [to] go and do individual stuff. But I feel right now that they really enjoy being with each other and really respect what each member brings."

"Kings of the bar scene, pounding on brewskies, Banging chicks right there in the sand. Bros before hoes and chicks with no clothes and Slamming shots and marry a man."

"'Cause I’m a Motherlover, You’re a Motherlover. We should fuck each others mothers, Fuck each others moms. I’m pushing that way where you came out as a baby, Ain’t no doubt that shit is crazy. Fucking each others moms. ‘Cause every Mother’s Day needs a Mother’s Night. If doing it is wrong, I don’t wanna be right."

"At the Farmer's Market with my so-called girlfriend. She hands me her cell phone says it's my dad, "Man, this ain't my dad, this is a cell phone." I threw it on the ground. What you think I'm stupid? I'm not a part of your system. My dad's not a phone, duh!"

"Yeah, and here's another piece of advice: Stay away from kids, 'cause their hair is filled with mad lice. There's no such thing as too much Purell. This a cautionary tale, word to George Orwell. So don't 1980-force any plugs into sockets, Always wear a chastity belt and triple lock it, Then hire a taster, make him check your food for poison. And if you think your mailman is a spy, then destroy him."

"Roll up to the theater; ticket buying, what we’re handlin' You can call us Aaron Burr from the way we’re dropping Hamiltons. Now parked in our seats, movie trivia's the illest. "Which Friends alum starred in films with Bruce Willis?" We answered so fast it was scary. Everyone stared in awe when we screamed "Matthew Perry!""

"Girl, you know we've been together, such a long, long time (such a long time) And now I'm ready, to lay it on the line. Well, you know it's Christmas and my heart is open wide (open wide). Gonna give you something so you know what's on my mind (what's on my mind). A gift real special, so take off the top, Take a look inside - it's my dick in a box (it's in a box)."

"I don't sleep, motherfucker; off that 'gnac and the durban, Doin' 120, gettin' head while I'm swervin'. Damn Natalie, you a crazy chick. Yo, shut the fuck up and suck my dick! I bust in dudes' mouths like Gushers motherfucker, Roll up on NBC and smack the shit outta Jeff Zucker"

"I just had sex, and it felt so good (felt so good). A woman let me put my penis inside of her. I just had sex, and I'll never go back (never go back) To the not-having-sex ways of the past."

"Lazy Sunday, wake up in the late afternoon, Call Parnell just to see how he’s doin’. Hello? What up, Parns? Yo, Samberg, what’s crackin'? You thinking what I’m thinking? Narnia! Man, it’s happenin'!"

"I'm on a boat, motherfucker, take a look at me, Straight floating on a boat on the deep blue sea (yeah, yeah). Busting five knots, wind whipping out my coat, You can't stop me, motherfucker, 'cause I'm on a boat."

"Everyone who has gambled on keeping the three of us together so far, it's gone well. We figured it couldn't hurt to see how long we could ride it."

"Woooo! 3, 2, 1, go! Have you heard the news? Everyone’s talkin' Life is good ‘cause everything's awesome Lost my job, there’s a new opportunity More free time for my awesome community I feel more awesome than an awesome possum Dip my body in chocolate frostin' Three years later wash off the frostin' Smellin’ like a blossom, everything is awesome Stepped in mud, got new brown shoes, It’s awesome to win and it’s awesome to lose."

"I jizz right in my pants Every time you're next to me And when we're holding hands It's like having sex to me You say I'm premature I just call it ecstasy I wear a rubber at all times It's a necessity."

"We were not aware of YouTube until "Lazy Sunday." We’d had our own website with streaming capabilities. After "Lazy Sunday," we were like, "Why are we paying for bandwidth and shit?""

"You have Mel Brooks and your Marx Brothers and your Larry David. So it's affected it enormously and really not at all. I don't think I've ever done anything comedically where the joke of it had to do with Judaism and Jewishness, but there's definitely a proud tradition of comedy in the Jews."

"Who would have thought that the fatal flaw of communism would be that there's no money it."

"There are a billion people in China. It's not easy to be an individual in a crowd of more than a billion people. Think of it. More than a BILLION people. That means even if you're a one-in-a-million type of guy, there are still a thousand guys exactly like you."

"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."

"That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you."

"This week, NBC told us five years in advance that Conan O'Brien will take over for Jay Leno, but the network still hasn't said who'll take over for Jimmy Fallon this weekend."

"Actually, it's tough, because he's not really screwing up. He seems to be doing a good job, but we're there just in case — the first time he does anything."

"Honestly, it's the greatest show on television. It's live. It's topical. It makes you laugh. It's just a great vibe."

"When I got asked to sing "Silent Night" on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon just before Christmas, I saw it as an honor and an opportunity. I loved that show, so being a guest on it was awesome. It was also the first time since way back in the beginning that I just sung without all the choreography. I'm always dancing or running around. But this time, it wasn't about the spectacle. It was all about my voice. And that sing is no joke, either. It felt like I was being recognized as a real singer. And that's really important to me. Music is my life, and in order to build a meaningful career, making the best-quality music I can is my priority."

"I always wanted to be a comedian and actor, [...] I basically stumbled into the music medium, though. I'm OK, but that's about it. I like to think I'm good enough not to negatively affect the performance."

"Hey, what can you say? We were overdue But it'll be over soon"

"The simple narrative taught in every history class Is demonstrably false and pedagogically classist Don't you know the world is built with blood? And genocide and exploitation The global network of capital essentially functions To separate the worker from the means of production And the FBI killed Martin Luther King Private property's inherently theft And neoliberal fascists are destroying the left And every politician, every cop on the street Protects the interests of the pedophilic corporate elite"

"Could I interest you in everything? All of the time? A little bit of everything All of the time Apathy's a tragedy And boredom is a crime Anything and everything All of the time"

"You shouldn't abstain from rape just 'cause you think that I want you to/ You shouldn't rape cause rape is a fucked up thing to do"

"Sluts! Sluts! I fuck sluts! Sluts get fucked when I fuck sluts! No ifs, ands, and/or butts, I fuck sluts! I fuck sluts! Nice girls are nice, but no good for nut-sucking! They'll need a serene night to green light a butt-fucking, but that'll be easy with sleazy old slut fucking! Boo to the nice girls, praise he to slut fucking! I have a list. A list? Yes a list of all the sluts I've missed. I have not fucked or sucked these sluts and thus my nuts are fucking pissed! So when I fuck the lucky slut my nut removes her from the list; another dumb cum bucket struck from my nut-sucking, suck-it-slut, slut fucking bucket list. (aside to the audience, "Yes! You hear the influences. Chaucer, Keats!) Sluts can be white, black, brown, pink, or almond! They can be skinny with big tits or skinny with small ones! Sluts can be perky or preppy or posh with their brains and their clothes all shrunk from the wash! But some sluts are pretty and funny and smart...these sluts can lift all your thoughts from your dick to your heart. They can talk about science or music or art. They can put you together, or they can pull you apart. But don't trust these sluts. Don't...don't you dare. They'll force you to trust them and love them and care! And then they'll be gone and you'll be aware of the hole in your heart that that dumb slut left there."

"So I've been freaking out for a long time, thinking that I'm never gonna finish this special and I'm gonna be working on it forever. And recently, I've been feeling like, oh man, maybe I am getting close to done with this. Maybe I'm gonna finish it after all. And that has made me completely freak out because if I finish this special, that means I have to not work on it anymore, and that means I have to just live my life, and so I'm not gonna do that, and I'm gonna not finish this special. I'm gonna work on it forever, I think, and I'm never gonna release it. So I'm not talking to anybody right now, I'm just talking to myself. So yeah, who fucking cares? Fuck you, and goodbye, and let's keep going."

"This next song is about how sad I am. It's about all the sad stuff; just picture a depressed onion cutting itself."