"[as Alyssa] Ladies and gentlemen, normally, I'd be tickled to play a selection from... [briefly eyes the sheet music cover: "Frederic Chopin- Eight Pieces for the Piano"] ... Chopin, but in honor of my new stepmother, whom I absolutely adore, I've decided to play a little something of my own."

"Ellen-Ray Henessy - Fanny Butkis"

"Ernie Grunwald - Harry Butkis"

"Philip Bosco - Vincenzo"

"Jane Sibbett - Clarice Kensington"

"Kirstie Alley - Diane Barrows"

"Steve Guttenberg - Roger Callaway"

"Ashley Olsen - Alyssa Callaway"

"Mary-Kate Olsen - Amanda Lemmon"

"When it comes to making the perfect match...Two heads are better than one! Especially if they look exactly alike."

"Two identical strangers. Two different worlds. One perfect match."

"I made my money the old fashion way - pure dumb luck."

"[as Alyssa, after eating escargot] All this money, and these people eat slugs?!"

"Fizz: Nobody's ever abbreviated my name before. I love that!"

"Shaquille O'Neal — Himself"

"J. August Richards — Griffin"

"Hamilton von Watts — Troy"

"Marques Houston — Jake"

"Carmen Electra (uncredited) — Roxanne"

"Linda Cardellini — Heather"

"Jan Schweiterman — Kurt Bozwell"

"Ginny Schreiber — Deedee"

"Josh Server — Fizz"

"Ron Lester — Spatch"

"Dan Schneider — Mr. Baily"

"Shar Jackson — Monique"

"Abe Vigoda — Otis"

"Sinbad — Mr. Wheat"

"Kenan Thompson — Dexter "Dex" Reed"

"Kel Mitchell — Ed"

"Coming to diners this summer."

"Attendant: [after Ed has released a deranged man from his straight jacket] Goodness gracious! He's killing Sydney!"

"Otis: [after eating French fries with Ed's sauce on it] It makes me glad I'm not dead."

"[first, repeated, and last line] Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger. Can I take your order?"

"[repeated line] You mess with Kurt, and you go into the grinder."

"[repeated line, always sung] I'm a dude. He's a dude. She's a dude. We're all dudes, hey!"

"Gilbert Gottfried - Sidney Bernstein"

"Robert Ridgely - Mayor Ted Egan"

"Paul Guilfoyle - Nikos Thomopolis"

"Paul Reiser - Jeffrey Friedman"

"Gil Hill - Inspector Todd"

"Dean Stockwell - Chip Cain"

"Allen Garfield - Harold Lutz"

"Brigitte Nielsen - Karla Fry"

"John Ashton - John Taggart"

"Ronny Cox - Andrew Bogomil"

"Jürgen Prochnow - Maxwell Dent"

"Judge Reinhold - Billy Rosewood"