"[Upon entering the pool area on the Playboy mansion] Jesus Christ! [Then to his crotch] Wake up! This is what we've always talked about! Look alive! You may never see it again! [to Billy and Taggert as he takes a large step] I don't wanna step on your tongues, excuse me."

"Are you driving with your eyes open? Or are you, like, using "the force"?"

"Brad Renfro - Erik"

"[Letter to mom] "Dear mom, I've gone with Erik, but I've brought along my medicine so there's no reason to worry. We plan to be careful and sensible. Whatever you do, make sure you remember to tape Star Wars, 8 PM, channel 5. I love you very much. Sincerely, Dexter.""

"Bruce Davison - Dr. Jensen"

"Renee Humphrey - Angle"

"Nicky Katt - Pony"

"Tony Solis - Baby"

"Annabella Sciorra - Linda"

"Diana Scarwid - Gail"

"Joseph Mazzello - Dexter"

"Chris Farley - Thomas R. "Tommy" Callahan III"

"Cow Farmer: Hey! Get off my property!"

"Your sail is limp, like your dick!"

"Hey lady, there's a fat whale on your boat! ya, free willy"

"Hey Gilligan, did you eat the skipper?!"

"No you need to drop a couple hundred pounds Blimp!"

"Hey you ain’t moving!"

"Ray Zalinkski: Marty, find out where the police are going to be taking him. Send over a bottle of bubbly with a bucket of ice and a card. Have it say, "Tough break, get drunk on me. Use the bucket to ice down your marbles, Yours, Z.""

"Michelle Brock: Listen up, you little spazoids! I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep. I swear to everything holy that your mothers will cry when they see what I've done to you!"

"Quit playing with your dinghy."

"Big Tom Callahan: Of course, I can get a good look at a T-Bone steak by sticking my head up a bull's ass, but I'd rather take the butcher's word for it."

"Ugh, I just barfed on an anthill. Cool. Ugh, I think they're pissed."

"Ugh, why do you always have to de-turd these things? Look at this one, caught him after Thanksgiving feast, I think I'm gonna need a pooperscooper."

"He's a big, dumb animal, isn't he folks?"

"Okay, folks, the guy in front of you is Tommy. He'll be taking you through my little spiel here. Tommy is a Scorpio, he likes biking, and he's never been laid. Exits, okay, there's one back here, and there's uh, probably one over by the wing somewhere, usually. And what about seatbelts? To fasten, take the little end stick it in the big end and... hey, know what? If you guys don't know how to use a seat belt, just ring your call button, and Tommy will come back there and hit you over the head with a tack hammer because you are a retard. Okay, and life preservers, these... we may need. Although what are the odds of us actually hitting a lake? My money says if anything, it's gonna be a mountain."

"It's the next town, tons-of-fun. It's got to be there. Okay, where's Moron? [points to Tommy] Okay, Moron's here, so McKeesport..."

"It's called reading, you know, top to bottom, left to right. A group of words together is called a sentence. Take Tylenol for any headaches, Midol for any cramps."

"[After watching Tommy wolf down fries and squirt ketchup into his mouth] Ugh! I can actually hear you getting fatter ."

"R.T. I lost my virginity to your daughter for crying out loud..........Rob, you were there."

"[Sitting on a park bench with Richard] Boy this is the worst. My so called "family" deserts me. Michelle's mad at me. I've lost the factory, the town's going under and I'm out of a job. [Bench collapses under him] ...Could've done without that."

"You better pray to the god of skinny punks that this wind doesn't pick up, cuz I'll come over there and jam an oar up your ass!"

"Forget it, I quit, I can't do this anymore, man. My head's about to explode. My whole life sucks. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going. My dad just died. We just killed Bambi. I'm out here getting my ass kicked and every time I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel INTO A GODDAMNED BRIDGE ABUTMENT!"

"[repeated line] Son of a... That's gonna leave a mark."

"Richard, who's your favorite little rascal? Alfalfa, or is it Spanky? Sinner."

"Not here, or here so much... but right 'here'."

"If I wanted a kiss, I would've called your mother."

"[During the pretend "bee" attack] Bees! Bees! Bees in the car! Bees everywhere! God, they're huge and they're sting crazy! They're ripping my flesh off! Run away, your firearms are useless against them!"

"What my associate is trying to say is that, uh, our new brake pads are really cool. You're not even going to believe it. Like, um, let's say you're driving along the road with your family. And you're driving along la li la. And then, all of the sudden there's a truck tire in the middle of the road. And you hit the brakes. Err! Whoa, that was close. Now let's see what happens when you're driving with the 'other guy's' brake pads. You're driving along. You're driving along and all of the sudden the kids are yelling from the backseat, 'I got to go to the bathroom, daddy!', 'Not now, damn it!', truck tire, eeeee, 'I can't stop!'. Help! There's a cliff! Aah! And your family's screaming 'Oh my god, we're burning alive!' 'No! I can't feel my legs!'. In comes the meat wagon. And the medic gets out and says, 'Oh, my god.'. New guy's in the corner puking his guts out. All because... you want to save a couple of extra pennies. To me, it doesn't..."

"Were you watching Spanktravision? Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian. Oh, what's his name? Buddy...Whack-it?"

"[During first day in his Father's brake pad division] I was just checking the specs on the endline for the...rotary...girder... I'm retarded."

"[Singing, in an attempt to cheer up Richard] Fat guy in a little coat! Fat guy in a little coat!"

"Brothers don't shake hands, brothers gotta hug!"

"Professor posts final exam results Sorry, pardon me. Can I just check this out? D-plus? Oh, my god. I passed! I passed! Oh, man! I got a D-Plus! hugs a student standing next to him I'm going to graduate! I wish we'd known each other. This is a little awkward."

"Some of us are leaving, and that is sad, but this isn't the end. No way. We're gonna show this world a thing or two. We're going to show... [passes out]"

"[repeated line] Holy schnikes!"

"[repeated line] Shut up, Richard!"