"Satellite DJ: You're listening to K-LOST, home of the Apocalypse. The call in question of the day is, who will be the new king? I'm sending in an ICBM across the wasteland for all of you on the yellow brick road to Vegas looking for a hero. If you find one send him my way, baby."

"Russian General: I do not like rock-and-roll music. This is too loud! I like folk music, soft, nice music, huh? Polka, waltz, anything!"

"That's a pretty nice tuxedo. A pretty nice tuxedo to DIE IN!"

"[as Buddy arrives at Ward Cleaver's property] How they hell are ya', boy? Hey, you finished payin' off that new Plymouth of yours? I tell ya', I sure hope to HELL you didn't go to one of those boys on the lot. They see you comin' a mile away, ready to EAT you alive! Those Plymouth dealers will tell ya' they're cuttin' you a break, when all they're doin' is just fattenin' ya' up for the slaughter."

"Only one man can kill this many Russians. Bring his guitar to me!"

"[Tired of the kid bawling and being a nuisance] I wonder where I could trade the kid for a ratchet?"

"You still there? [Marks a line on the ground with his katana] Cross that line, kid, I'll cut your little teddy bear in half. Last kid that crossed that line, I had to summon up the Spinach Monster with my rock 'n' roll magic. The Spinach Monster grabbed him, pulled him underground and made him eat spinach all day. Rumor has it, kid... he's still there."

"Float away, little butterfly. Just flutter away. I got a gig in Vegas. And the wastelands ain't no place for kids."

"What are you lookin' at? You look up at the sky, you look down on the ground, but you don't look at me, kid. Got it?"

"In 1957, the bomb dropped, and the Russians took over what was America. The last bastion of freedom became a place called Lost Vegas, and Elvis was crowned King. After forty rockin' years, The King is dead. Every guitar picking, sword swinging opportunist, including Death himself, hears the call echoing across the wastelands... Vegas needs a new King."

"Zooey, you are about to marry one of the most honest, kind and fun-loving people I've ever had the honor of knowing. The Pistol is a pleasure giver that's for sure. So beautiful Zooey, give it back. Yeah? [winks] Return the favor. And if you do, I guarantee that you will have a beautiful and pleasure filled union."

"Larry Wilmore - Minister"

"Carla Gallo - Zooey's friend"

"David Krumholtz - Sydney's friend"

"Jay Chandrasekhar - Barry's friend"

"Joe Lo Truglio - Lonnie"

"Murray Gershenz - Mel"

"Mather Zickel - Gil"

"Nick Kroll - Larry"

"Aziz Ansari - Eugene"

"Lou Ferrigno - Himself"

"Murray Gershenz - Mel Stein"

"Thomas Lennon - Doug Evans"

"Rob Huebel - Tevin Downey"

"Josh Cooke - Alan"

"Trying is having the intention to fail. You've got to scrap that word from your vocab. Say you're gonna do it and you will."

"Andy Samberg - Robbie Klaven"

"Totally... Totes McGotes."

"J.K. Simmons - Oswald Klaven"

"Jane Curtin - Joyce Klaven"

"Jon Favreau - Barry McLean"

"Jaime Pressly - Denise McLean"

"Sarah Burns - Hailey"

"Rashida Jones - Zooey Rice"

"Jason Segel - Sydney Fife"

"Slapping the bass! Slappa da bass! Slappa da bass mon! Slappa de bass mon!"

"Paul Rudd - Peter Klaven"

"He needed a best man...he got the worst."

"Are You Man Enough To Say It?"

"Doug: Hi Peter, I saw your billboards, they're spectacular. I'm sorry for calling you a whore. Best of luck with Sydney, if you're not still together... you can Facebook me."