"Can you keep a secret? In the next 72 hours, this desperate, unemployed actor will secretly audition for the lead of a soap opera. And become America's hottest new actress."

"What do you get when you cross a hopelessly straight starving actor with a dynamite red sequined dress? You get America's hottest new actress."

"He's Tootsie... She's Dustin Hoffman"

"Desperate, he took a female role and became a star. If only he could tell the woman he loves."

"This Is a Hell of a Way To Make a Living."

"Ron Carlisle: [after Dorothy reveals she is a man] I knew there was a reason she didn't like me!"

"John Van Horne: [after Dorothy reveals she is a man] Does Jeff know?"

"George Fields: [to Dorothy/Michael] I begged you to get therapy."

"Well, good night, Michael. It was a wonderful party. My date left with someone else. I had a lot of fun. Do you have any Seconol?"

"There is nothing you can do for me. I just have to feel like this until I don't feel like this anymore and you're gonna have to know that you're the one that made me feel this way."

"Mike, I really appreciate you're doing this, but... it is just for the money, isn't it? It's not just so you can wear these little outfits?"

"[to April, dressed only in bra and panties] What kind of mother would I be if I didn't give my girls tits... tips?"

"[in her audition] Oh I know what y'all really want is some gross caricature of a woman to prove some idiotic point that power makes a woman masculine, or masculine women are ugly. Well shame on you for letting a man do that, or any man that does that. That means you, dear. Miss Marshall. Shame on you, you macho shit head."

"You are far weirder than someone merely into S&M. At least they have a tradition. We have some idea what S&M is about. There's movies and books about it. But so far as I know, there is nothing to explain the way you are."

"Jack Mulcahy - Jack McMullen"

"Elizabeth McKay - Ann"

"Mike McGlone - Patrick McMullen"

"Jennifer Jostyn - Leslie"

"Peter Johansen - Marty"

"Edward Burns - Barry/Finbar McMullen"

"Connie Britton - Molly McMullen"

"Catharine Bolz - Mrs. McMullen"

"Maxine Bahns - Audrey"

"Shari Albert - Susan"

"Jack is trying to save his marriage, Patrick is in a hopeless relationship, but their biggest problem is Barry's brotherly advice."

"Jack McMullen: I am a progressively modern, politically correct housewife."

"[holds up a banana] Man is like a banana. Strong and firm, bright and phallic, and he's protected by his all-important shield. But, when a woman comes along, you know, she sees this bright phallic beast and she wants it. So, she starts peeling away your all-important shield. [peels the banana] First, she wants to see your romantic side, then she wants to see your passionate side, finally she wants to see your soft, caring, feminine side. She keeps peeling and peeling until your left there buck naked, totally exposed with your balls blowing in the wind. And that's when she gets her knife, and she cuts away your manhood piece by piece until she's having your cock in her corn flakes."

"I like being a pessimist. It helps me deal with my inevitable failure."

"Repression is not such a bad thing."

"I don't need any new ideas. I'm confused enough already."

"What am I going to do with my life? You know I didn't think college was actually going to end."

"Thomas Gibson - Dickie Taylor"

"Núria Badia - Aurora Boval"

"Hellena Schmied - Greta"

"Pep Munné - Ramon"

"Mira Sorvino - Marta Ferrer"

"Tushka Bergen - Montserrat Raventos"

"Chris Eigeman - Fred Boynton"

"Taylor Nichols - Ted Boynton"

"Americans. Anti Americans. In Love."

"Ramon is very persuasive, and he painted a terrible picture of what it would be like for her to live the rest of her life in America, with all of its crime, consumerism, and vulgarity. All those loud, badly dressed, fat people watching their eighty channels of television and visiting shopping malls. The plastic throw-everything-away society with its notorious violence and racism. And finally, the total lack of culture."

"I don't go to bed with just anyone anymore. I have to be attracted to them sexually."

"Have you ever heard of Maneuver X? When you get deeply into sales, you realize that every major transaction involves a mini identity crisis for the buyer. You think, "Green carpet. Am I really a green carpet person?" In romance, the same thing applies but on a humongous scale. But what is Maneuver X? It's removing all pressure, creating a space that the customer has to affirmatively cross. Only by disappearing more thoroughly and inexplicably than Montserrat can I change the current dynamic. Will it? I don't know. I think it will. If not, I'm dead."

"Positive thinking is fine in theory. But whenever I try it on a systematic basis... I end up really depressed."

"My jazz rule is: If you can't dance to it, you don't want to know about it."

"When we were kids I borrowed some things. It was never ever theft! In each case I either told you... or was about to."