Homestar Runner

"Strong Bad: First up is Coach Z's line of vaguely sportsish managerial cards. What self-respecting twelve-year-old doesn't want to collect pictures of the smelly old men behind their favorite sports teams? And who could resist memorizing all these fabulous stats? Ooh, a record high 23 butt pats in '84!"

"Homestar Runner: And, who do you think was the lucky recipient of all those [wiggles his rear end] butt pats 'cept a one?"

"Strong Bad: Let me guess, it—"

"Homestar Runner: No, it was me. It was like I was made to hustle that season."

"Strong Bad: So, who got that last butt pat?"

"Homestar Runner: Oh, I think he gave himself that one. He's re-known for his self-butt pats."

"Strong Bad: Yeah, “known” in seven states."

"Strong Bad: “Dear awesome"… Oh! Somebody finally got it right!"

"Strong Bad: Marzipan, what kind of cult are you running here?"

"Marzipan: Oh, a pretty standard one."

"Marzipan: Anyway, we don't use the term "Skin Flesh". The color you're looking for is "Dermal Discoveries"."

"Strong Bad: What's that scramble?! What about Lipstick Red?"

"Marzipan: No, no, no. Too gender-specific. We use "Crimson Suggestion"."

"Strong Bad: Well, how 'bout Hairspray Blond?"

"Marzipan: "Vague Pigmentation"!"

"Strong Bad: Leather Black?"

"Marzipan: We just call that "Blue"."

"Rumble Red: But, Earthling, they don't have polymascotfoamalate on my planet. Eh, rumble."

"The Homestar Runner: That's 'cause you're a Communest [sic] fool, Red!"

"Singers: Polymascotfoamalate!"

"The Homestar Runner: Feed it to the babies."

"Old-timey Strong Bad: Or as a topping on Soured Cream!"

"Strong Bad: Our first item is a perennial all-star of bad awful Decemberween presents: the ornament."

"Marzipan: There's no better way to say, "I have no idea what your interests are" than to give someone a present that ceases to be useful the moment it's opened."

"Strong Bad: Our last gift items are all about the false notion that just because you made something yourself, it's not a worthless piece of crap."

"Marzipan: These seashells have office supplies hot-glued to them for absolutely no reason."

"Strong Bad Yes, and the more globs of hot glue I can see, the quicker I throw it in the trash."

"Marzipan: This clothespin reindeer ornament is forgettably precious."

"Strong Bad Whoa, homemade and an ornament. That thing is an anti-gift. If someone gives you one of those, you actually have to pay them because it's so poor. Uh, probably because they're so poor."

"Strong Bad: “Dear Strong Bad, you really do look old, how old are you anyways? Your faithful fan, Andy, H-S-I-A-O [Hsiao] and sometimes Y, from Taiwan.” Look Andyman, my age is a closely guarded secret, protected by a sect of closely guarded monks high atop the Coches Mountains. They would no sooner dance with a goat than divulge my age. But they will bake you some crustly guarded bread! Anyways, whattaya mean I look old? Are you telling me the nightly nacho cheese masks aren't working?"

"Strong Bad: Now what I need is an image overhaul. Something to reconnect me with the youth of today. Something that says— "Sup my young parsons [sic], I too am so on the go that I drink my yogurt from a tube"."

"Bubs: We could try iStrong, or iBad..."

"Strong Bad: We already tried that with lowercase "e"s back in the late '90s. We all know where that got us."

"The King of Town: The drive... the power... the skills... the motivation... the power again... the fortitude... the strive... the ideals... the list of attributes... the Municipality. Honor. Valor. Buttor. [sic]"

"Strong Bad: “Someone no-one cares about in Iowa”, also known as “everyone, in Iowa”."

"Strong Bad: Strong Badia doesn't have a place of its own, so when we need to get our tiny golf on, we usually head over to Sweet Puttin' Cakes. And yes, it's every bit as messed up as the cartoon on which it's based. In fact, we don't even know how to get there. It's just like, one minute you're thinking about miniature golf..."

"[Cut to Strong Bad and the cheat in the former’s basement.]"

"Strong Bad: You know what I love? The smell of that rubber handle on the putters, that you know like a thousand other... people… have… touuuuuuuuuuuuched… [audio slows to a crawl]"

"[fade to black]"

"Strong Bad: [voiceover] ...and the next minute, you're there."

"Strong Bad: [appears in Sweet Puttin’ Cakes] Woah!"

"Strong Bad: And yes, even in this infernal place, you can't escape the blue family recreation water! That stuff's just begging for kids to either drink it or pee in it... or worse... both."

"Homestar Runner: [emerges from the “blue family recreation water”] Whoo! I didn't find my ball, but I did see some exotic marine life!"

"Strong Bad: Homestar, all that's down there is cigarette butts."

"Homestar Runner: And... a bra."

"Strong Bad: Sweet!"

"Strong Bad: Fifth grade boys?! Man, what happened to the hot college girls that used to email me? You ladies stop your be-pantied pillowfighting and drop me a line!"

"Strong Bad: Hygiene is defined as "how close people are willing to stand next to you"."

"Strong Bad: “Hey Strong Bad, I'm at college and I need to keep my bike from being stolen. I figure if I think like a thief, I can figure out how to protect it. So, how would you try to steal my bike? Virginia, M.I.” Oh, not smart enough for MIT, huh? Just M.I.?"

"Strong Bad: That's how I'd do it, College Bike Owner. So keep away from shrubbery, don't talk to anyone with a clipboard, and avoid putting your bike on the roof of glass skyscrapers."