All Quotes

"Infancy, n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, 'Heaven lies about us.' The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward."

"In'ards, n. pl. The stomach, heart, soul, and other bowels."

"Insurrection, n. An unsuccessful revolution. Disaffection's failure to substitute misrule for bad government."

"Justice, n. A commodity which in a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service."

"Kilt, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America and Americans in Scotland."

"Kleptomaniac, n. A rich thief."

"Labor, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property of B."

"Land, n. A part of the earth's surface, considered as property. The theory that land is property subject to private ownership and control is the foundation of modern society, and is eminently worthy of the superstructure. Carried to its logical conclusion, it means that some have the right to prevent others from living; for the right to own implies the right exclusively to occupy; and in fact laws of trespass are enacted wherever property in land is recognized. It follows that if the whole area of terra firma is owned by A, B and C, there will be no place for D, E, F and G to be born, or, born as trespassers, to exist."

"Laughter, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable."

"Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious."

"Liberty, n. One of imagination's most precious possessions."

"Liberty, n. The distinction between freedom and liberty is not accurately known; naturalists have never been able to find a living specimen of either."

"Logic, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding."

"Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease is prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient."

"Marriage, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two."

"Mayonnaise, n. One of the sauces that serve the French in place of a state religion."

"Monday, n. In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game."

"Past, n. That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which we have a slight and regrettable acquaintance. A moving line called the Present parts it from an imaginary period known as the Future. These two grand divisions of Eternity, of which the one is continually effacing the other, are entirely unlike. The one is dark with sorrow and disappointment, the other bright with prosperity and joy. The Past is the region of sobs, the Future is the realm of song. In the one crouches Memory, clad in sackcloth and ashes, mumbling penitential prayer; in the sunshine of the other Hope flies with a free wing, beckoning to temples of success and bowers of ease. Yet the Past is the Future of yesterday, the Future is the Past of to-morrow. They are one--the knowledge and the dream."

"Overwork, n. A dangerous disorder affecting high public functionaries who want to go fishing."

"Patience, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue."

"Patriotism, n. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name. In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit it is the first."

"Philosophy, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing."

"Pig, n. An animal (Porcus omnivorus) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it sticks at pig."

"Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy."

"Politics, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage."

"Positive, adj. Mistaken at the top of one's voice."

"Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy."

"Prejudice, n. A vagrant opinion without visible means of support."

"Quotation, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. The words erroneously repeated."

"Rational, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection."

"Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable."

"Resign, v. To renounce an honor for an advantage. To renounce an advantage for a greater advantage."

"Revelation, n. A famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed all that he knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who know nothing."

"Road, n. A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is too tiresome to be to where it is futile to go."

"Sabbath, n. A weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh."

"Saint, n. A dead sinner, revised and edited."

"Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based."

"Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others."

"Success, n. The one unpardonable sin against one's fellows."

"Twice, adv. Once too often."

"Vote, v. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country."

"White, adj. and n. Black."

"Witch, n. (1) An ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil."

"Year, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments."

"Youth, n. The Period of Possibility, when Archimedes finds a fulcrum, Cassandra has a following and seven cities compete for the honor of endowing a living Homer."

"Zeal, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced. A passion that goeth before a sprawl."

"Zeus, n. The chief of Grecian gods, adored by the Romans as Jupiter and by the modern Americans as God, Gold, Mob and Dog. Some explorers who have touched upon the shores of America, and one who professes to have penetrated a considerable distance to the interior, have thought that these four names stand for as many distinct deities, but in his monumental work on Surviving Faiths, Frumpp insists that the natives are monotheists, each having no other god than himself, whom he worships under many sacred names."

"Woman would be more charming if one could fall into her arms without falling into her hands."

"You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are avenged 1440 times a day."

"Self-denial is indulgence of a propensity to forego."