All Quotes

"Absurdity, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion."

"Accord, n. Harmony."

"Accordion, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin."

"Acquaintance, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous"

"Cannon, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries."

"Cartesian, adj. Relating to Descartes, a famous philosopher, author of the celebrated dictum, Cogito ergo sum -- whereby he was pleased to suppose he demonstrated the reality of human existence. The dictum might be improved, however, thus: Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made."

"Cat, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle."

"Christian, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ so long as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin."

"Circus, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool."

"Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead."

"Clarionet, n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarionet -- two clarionets."

"Clock, n.: A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him."

"Confidant, Confidante, n. One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided by him to C."

"Congratulation, n. The civility of envy."

"Conservative, n. A statesman enamored of existing evils, as opposed to a Liberal, who wants to replace them with others."

"Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility."

"Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision."

"Dawn, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh."

"Decide, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over another set."

"Defenceless, adj. Unable to attack."

"Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work."

"Diplomacy, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country."

"Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding."

"Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm."

"Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me."

"Electricity, n. The cause of all natural phenomena not known to be caused by something else. It is the same thing as lightning, and its famous attempt to strike Dr. Franklin is one of the most picturesque incidents in that great and good man's career."

"Erudition, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull."

"Extinction, n. The raw material out of which theology created the future state."

"Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel."

"Fashion, n. A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey."

"Feast, n. A festival. A religious celebration usually signalized by gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person distinguished for abstemiousness."

"Flesh, n. The Second Person of the secular Trinity."

"Forgetfulness, A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience."

"Freebooter, n. A conqueror in a small way of business, whose annexations lack of the sanctifying merit of magnitude."

"Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; not conforming to standards of thought, speech, and action derived by the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad by officials destitute of evidence that they themselves are sane."

"Ocean, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man — who has no gills."

"Once, adj. Enough."

"Opiate, n. An unlocked door in the prison of Identity. It leads into the jail yard."

"Opportunity, n. A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment."

"Freemasons, n. An order with secret rites, grotesque ceremonies and fantastic costumes, which, originating in the reign of Charles II, among working artisans of London, has been joined successively by the dead of past centuries in unbroken retrogression until now it embraces all the generations of man on the hither side of Adam and is drumming up distinguished recruits among the pre-Creational inhabitants of Chaos and Formless Void. The order was founded at different times by Charlemagne, Julius Caesar, Cyrus, Solomon, Zoroaster, Confucius, Thothmes, and Buddha. Its emblems and symbols have been found in the Catacombs of Paris and Rome, on the stones of the Parthenon and the Chinese Great Wall, among the temples of Karnak and Palmyra and in the Egyptian Pyramids — always by a Freemason."

"Friendless, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense"

"Gallows, n. A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which the leading actor is translated to heaven."

"Genealogy, n. An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own."

"Generous, adj. Originally this word meant noble by birth and was rightly applied to a great multitude of persons. It now means noble by nature and is taking a bit of a rest."

"Happiness, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another."

"Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something that he can see and feel."

"Heaven, n. A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own."

"Helpmate, n. A wife, or bitter half."

"Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot's activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, but "pervades and regulates the whole." He has the last word in everything; his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions and opinion of taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes conduct with a dead-line."

"Incompossible, adj. Unable to exist if something else exists. Two things are incompossible when the world of being has scope enough for one of them, but not enough for both — as Walt Whitman's poetry and God's mercy to man."