All Quotes

"The terrible state of public education has paid huge dividends in ignorance. Huge. We now have a country that can be told blatant lies — easily checkable, blatant lies — and I’m not talking about the covert workings of the CIA. When we have a terrorist attack, on September 11, 2001 with 19 men — 15 of them are Saudis — and five minutes later the whole country thinks they’re from Iraq — how can you have faith in the public? This is an easily checkable fact. The whole country is like the O.J. Simpson jurors."

"All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable. The most common error made in matters of appearance is the belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the true beauty of one's soul shine through. If there are places on your body where this is a possibility, you are not attractive — you are leaking."

"Rome is a very loony city in every respect. One needs but spend an hour or two there to realize that Fellini makes documentaries."

"Any child who cannot do long division by himself does not deserve to smoke."

"I love sleep because it is both pleasant and safe to use. Pleasant because one is in the best possible company and safe because sleep is the consummate protection against the unseemliness that is the invariable consequence of being awake. What you don't know won't hurt you. Sleep is death without the responsibility."

"Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep."

"Bread that must be sliced with an ax is bread that is too nourishing."

"Women who insist on having the same options as men would do well to consider the option of being the strong, silent type."

"Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publication."

"If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies."

"Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is simply a good excuse not to play football."

"Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast the disc jockey is not allowed to talk."

"Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met."

"The conversational overachiever is someone whose grasp exceeds his reach. This is possible but not attractive."

"The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting."

"Do not elicit your child's political opinions. He doesn't know any more than you do."

"Children do not really need money. After all, they don't have to pay rent or send mailgrams."

"Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying."

"Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead to unreasonable expectations and eventual disappointment when your child discovers that the letters of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around the room with royal-blue chickens."

"Should you be a teenager blessed with uncommon good looks, document this state of affairs by the taking of photographs. It is the only way anyone will ever believe you in years to come."

"Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra."

"Think before you speak. Read before you think. This will give you something to think about that you didn't make up yourself - a wise move at any age, but most especially at seventeen, when you are in the greatest danger of coming to annoying conclusions."

"I understand, of course, that many people find smoking objectionable. That is their right. I would, I assure you, be the very last to criticize the annoyed. I myself find many-- even most-- things objectionable. Being offended is the natural consequence of leaving one's home. I do not like aftershave lotion, adults who roller-skate, children who speak French, or anyone who is unduly tan. I do not, however, go around enacting legislation and putting up signs. In private I avoid such people; in public they have the run of the place. I stay at home as much as possible, and so should they. When it is necessary, however, to go out of the house, they must be prepared, as I am, to deal with the unpleasant personal habits of others. That is what "public" means."

"How do you know if your child is a writer? Your obstetrician holds his stethoscope to your abdomen and only hears excuses."

"Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps."

"I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill."

"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was... conscious. … But I love her from the hair on her head to the tag on her toes."

"I was in a bar a few nights ago, moving from stool to stool, trying to get lucky... But there was no gum under any of them. And I hear giggling behind me. At first I don't mind, but the giggling continues... Finally, I thought "What's so amusing?" I turn around, and these two guys, for the last, oh, half hour or so, have been throwing darts into my head. It's a good thing I heard them! I said, "Look, you bums," 'cause I was angry now, "As soon as this game is over, hit the road!" But as I left that bar, one thing stuck in my mind..."

"Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: "A truck!""

"How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand."

"I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?" And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."

"New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him."

"People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce."

"When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.."

"My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and... placing bets..."

"When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them."

"You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back."

"You know, at parties, people always ask, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi!"

"Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the Devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day."

"I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse.""

"People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?""

"The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip... which, according to your own very latest government Pentagon spending figures, will more than make up the difference.""

"Well, my brother says "hello"! So, hooray for speech therapy."

"Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball."

"I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen."

"I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me."

"My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading."

"I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!""

"I got into a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.""

"When I was a little boy, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised, the Lord, in his wisdom, doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me."