"I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no th…"

"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have swor…"

"I was in a bar a few nights ago, moving from stool to stool, trying to get lucky... But there was no gum under any of…"

"Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: "A truck!""

"How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand."

"I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I tho…"

"New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a car…"

"People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce."

"When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I wen…"

"Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps."