"I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no th…"

"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have swor…"

"I was in a bar a few nights ago, moving from stool to stool, trying to get lucky... But there was no gum under any of…"

"How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand."

"I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I tho…"

"New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a car…"

"People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce."

"When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I wen…"

"My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and... placing be…"

"Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps."