All Quotes

"New rule: if your state has more cows than people, you don't get to be a state anymore."

"It simultaneously warms my heart and wears my delete key when I get emails from twelve-year-olds."

"Thank you Joe Nobody for giving me your expert opinion on what missile sounds like, because gas station superintendents are usually the best people to ask about the sonic signature of ballistic missile thrust."

"Most of the screen on a blog is blank for an imaginary populace of readers still using 640x480 resolution. I didn't buy a 19" monitor to have 50% of its screen realestate pissed away on firing white pixels, you assholes."

""This sounds like the soundtrack of a coma." (On U2's song One Step Closer)"

"Look out pop-culture! Bono has had enough of 'romantic love'."

"...you could sell these people hookers in a vagina storm."

"General Grievous," a bad guy so sinister, his very name stands for PAIN AND SUFFERING. Nice job assholes... Why not just call all your characters "Evil" and "Bad" next time?"

"Note that the name of the show is 'Trippin' ' and not 'Tripping' because the addition of the letter 'g' would not be consistent with the views of MTV's urban youth demographic who tend to frown upon linguistic formalities such as proper enunciation. I mean, proper 'nunciation, yo!"

"The theme song states "YOU GOT THE POWER TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE... YOU GOT THE POWER TO MAKE A CHANGE." Wow, thank you MTV, for making me feel empowered and independent, like only a multinational media conglomerate can."

"It's every man's dream to have a penis so large that he must hire a small boy to carry it."

"There's no shame in masturbation, unless you get caught."

"Passing out while you try to kill yourself is like failing at failing."

"I have a different stance on abortion: I'm against abortion, but for killing babies. That way everyone loses, and I win. I'm neither pro choice, nor pro life; I'm pro you-shutting-the-hell-up. The only way I'd be "pro choice" is if it meant I could choose which babies I could abort, and only then if I could lift the age restriction to 80.""

"I was going to write about how I was going to take away women's right to vote, but that one is pretty obvious since nobody wants women to vote, except for women, and they don't count."

"She started crying when she saw the busted colon I gave her pussy husband, so she took one of her shoes off and threw it at me. I caught the shoe between my pecs and I started to laugh like a pirate. Then she started walking towards me to take her shoe back, and there was no way I was going to let this bitch get near my chest so I body slammed her into a cactus that happened to be there. She got up and was uglier than before, so I did what I always do when women start to cry: I went back inside to play video games."

"That reminds me of how much I hate babies. Why does everyone want to save them? There are too many babies. I'm not saying we should kill them, but if you happen to be giving your baby a bath and the phone rings.. well, nobody will judge you. Besides, you might get free brownies out of it at the funeral, and brownies rule."

"I'm impressed that they've been able to take a 2D character with a 1D personality and bloat it into a 3D disaster."

"It was like Rambo sent them all Christmas cards, but instead of cards it was murder."

"The earth's population is about 6 billion. At 15 minutes per person, that amounts to over 171,000 years we'd have to spend just sitting around watching people be "famous." To hell with that."

"The next person's phone I hear set to Vivaldi is going to need a hydraulic pump to pry their phone out of their ass."

"Is someone you know anorexic? A good joke would be to tell them that they're fat. They'll laugh because anorexic people aren't fat. HAHAH"

"I hate the help screen, I hate the options, I hate the card graphics, I hate the default window size, everything. I HATE SOLITAIRE."

"If people who look different don't necessarily think differently, which they don't, then aren't they essentially discriminating against them by "embracing" them as being "diverse"?"

"… the real reason ADD exists is because executives at pharmaceutical companies need to make their Lexus payments."

"When I say this game is hard, I mean hard like nipples-on-a-blind-lesbian-in-a-fish-market hard."

"I don't get it: they re-package the same shitty football games every year, update a few stats, call it a new game and millions of suckers keep buying them. What's the point? Why not just go outside and play real football instead? Or even better yet, get bent. Nobody likes football."

""This car just looks terrible; it looks like it was designed by a blind child with arthritis. In a coma." (on the Honda Element)"

"Why are politicians so full of shit? Why can't there be a congressman (congressman, yes man, tough shit to all you feminists) that just speaks his mind without the meaningless bullshit and ass kissing?"

"My Nuts are just under critical mass, a few inches away from collapsing into a super dense vortex of nutsaqutron (a type of radiation given off by enormous balls)."

"Having spelling errors is one thing, but c'mon. I've typed out more coherent sentences with my penis."

"If there were a building that stood for grammatical integrity, this email would be the plane that crashed into it."

"I subscribe to an email service from CNN called "CNN Breaking News." Basically every time shit hits the fan, you're supposed to receive an email. Most of the "breaking news" I've received has been as earth shattering as an actor arrested for drunk driving. Wow, now excuse me while I change my freshly soiled boxers."

"How can a movie be "one of the best"? There's only one "best" movie, so saying something is "one of the best" is stupid and doesn't make sense. Technically any movie that's not the worst could be considered "one of the best." Imagine that, another empty phrase used by marketing people. I want to punch someone in the throat."

"In an effort to salvage the money I wasted on this bullshit, I ate six cups of jello, one bag of corn nuts, a Soynut bar, and a bag of jelly beans for dinner. The only thing X-TREME about this experience was the X-TREME dump I took later that night:"

"For example, the cover on the right depicts Lobo (also known as "the main man") kicking Santa's ass. Santa did something to piss Lobo off (or nothing, it makes no difference), and Lobo RUINED HIS SHIT."

"No, I'm not a democrat or a republican. I'm just a guy who's tired of the bullshit."

"President Bush withdrew from the Anti-Ballistic Missile treaty. Good I say, global stability was getting to be a pain in the ass."

"Whales are drinking all our water and eating our sailors."

"Finally when the movie started, I thought the bullshit ads were over, but no. First thing they showed was a "coke break" sponsored and produced by coke. [...] I paid $7 for a movie, NOT FOR BULLSHIT ADVERTISEMENTS."

"What the hell is "partly cloudy" supposed to mean? When is it not partly cloudy? … Just tune into a weather forecast. Chances are you'll hear the phrase at least 3 or more times."

"The next time you ask someone how their day is going, expect, no, DEMAND a response. Don't settle for good. Demand the truth. Make them admit that they're having a shitty day, and then do your best to make it worse."

"I can't go on, I'm going to go do something less painful like stick my dick in the oven."

""If you got caught screwing around on the job, you'd probably get fired, and so would I. Why should he get away with it?" (on Bill Clinton)"

"...'SummerGrl19?' Very clever handle by the way, the only way you could make it any more unoriginal or cliche would be to add the words 'happy, cute' or 'princess' to the name."

"There are pigs that can manipulate joysticks, yet you morons can't even send me an intelligible email."

"The only thing that goes with Crocs is social Ostracism."

"Let's face it: there are few things in this world more stupid than dancing. Except break dancing, which pirates and lumber jacks would agree is awesome. Other than that, dancing makes me envy cripples."

"If women ran the world, we'd still be searching for the wheel."

"Some people think I'm conceited. Oh well. All my friends think I'm better than they are. Sometimes my friends ask 'so how come you rule so much?' One time I decided to play basketball, but I suck at basketball so I lost. Just kidding, I kicked everyone's ass because I'm the best. I own everyone at everything. There's no use in trying to be as good as me because it's impossible. There aren't enough words to describe how good I am. THE UNIVERSE REVOLVES AROUND ME. I AM KING. Everyone wishes they were me. EVERYONE. If I weren't me, I'd wish I was. I love me."