"If trashy television was a video game, The Jenny Jones show would be the final boss."

"Don't you retards think before you click "Send" that maybe someone on the other end is actually going to read your st…"

"(introduction) This page is about me and why everything I like is great. If you disagree with anything you find on th…"

"Imagine finding out you got rejected from community college, then finding out that your alcoholic father got arrested…"

"There are very few people who look good in red lipstick, and those people usually juggle for a living."

"When the iPhone was first announced, CEO Steve Jobs spewed enough BS to cover a football field full of babies 3 feet …"

"There aren't many things I don't want to experience in life, but the sensual caress of a parent going through mid-lif…"

"There are only three reasons you should ever be this delighted about anything, and all of them involve you being a ho…"

"I've only had one dream in my life with kids in it that didn't involve me gnawing my feet off, and it had to do with …"

"It's not that I rule, it's that everyone else sucks more than I do. We all suck, and whoever sucks the least is king."