All Quotes

"According to the agent, the biggest factor that makes you a saint is the amount of press coverage you get."

"The key to salvation is how much attention you get. How high a profile you get. Your audience share. Your exposure. Your name recognition. Your press following. The buzz."

"You realize people take drugs because it's the only real personal adventure left to them in their time-constrained, law-and-order, property-lined world. It's only in drugs or death we'll see anything new, and death is just too controlling."

"You realize that our mistrust of the future makes it hard to give up the past. We can't give up our concept of who we were...Our way of getting nostalgic for what we just threw in the trash, it's all because we're afraid to evolve. Grow, change, lose weight, reinvent ourselves. Adapt."

"Since change is constant, you wonder if people crave death because it's the only way they can get anything really finished."

"You realize that there's no point in doing anything if nobody's watching. You wonder, if there had been a low turnout at the crucifixion, would they have rescheduled?"

"You’re that tree falling in the forest that nobody gives a rat’s ass about."

"It's a shame," the agent says, "how medical technology is still lagging behind the marketing side of things. I mean, we've had all the sales support in place for years, the coffee mug giveaways to physicians, the feel-good magazine ads, the total product launch, but it's the same old violin in the background R&D is still years behind. The lab monkeys are still dropping like flies.""

"Reality means you live until you die, the agent says. "The real truth is nobody wants reality."

"I told the agent, I figured I'd spend my first thousand years of Hell in some entry-level position, but after that I wanted to move into management. Be a real team player. Hell is going to see enormous growth in market share over the next millennium. I wanted to ride the crest. The agent said that sounded pretty realistic."

"Whoever invented this routine, the agent tells me, they pretty much run things in hell."

"When you get famous, dinner isn't food anymore; it's twenty ounces of protein, ten ounces of carbohydrates, salt-free, fat-free, sugar-free fuel."

"Imagine how you'd feel if your whole life turned into a job you couldn't stand. No, everybody thinks their whole life should be at least as much fun as masturbation. I'd like to see these people even try to live out of hotel rooms and find low-fat fuel room service and do a half way convincing job of faking a deep inner peace and at-oneness with God."

"Because tanning and steroids are only a problem if you plan to live a long time."

"There are only patterns, patterns on top of patterns, patterns that affect other patterns. Patterns hidden by patterns. Patterns within patterns. If you watch close, history does nothing but repeat itself. What we call chaos is just patterns we haven’t recognized. What we call random is just patterns we can’t decipher. What we can’t understand we call nonsense. What we can’t read we call gibberish. There is no free will. There are no variables."

"Do I need to tell you that prison makes Sodom and Gomorrah look like Minneapolis and St. Paul by comparison?"

"No matter how many luxuries you get, something will be missing. No matter how carefully you choose, you'll never be totally happy."

"The Vietnam War didn't cause the mess of the 1960's" Adam says. "Drugs didn't cause ot. Well only one drug did. It was the birth control pill. For the first time in history, everybody could have all the sex they wanted. Everybody could have that kind of power."

"Throughout history the most powerful rulers have been sex maniacs. And he asks, does their sex appetite come from having power, or does their will for power come from their sex appetite? "And if you don't crave sex," he says, "will you crave power?" No, he says. "And instead of electing decent, boring, sexually repressed officials," he says "maybe we should find the horniest candidates and maybe they can get some good work done."

"The same way you might look at your leg cut off at the knee and not feel anything at first, maybe this is just shock. But I hope not. I don't want it to wear off. I pray not to feel anything ever again. Because if it wears off, this is all going to hurt so much. This is going to hurt for the rest of my life."

"You realize that there's no point in doing anything if nobody's watching."

"More and more everything in my life was a fix for an earlier fix for an earlier fix until I forget what the original problem was."

"Everything we can do is wrong as long as we're still alive."

"The feeling is you have no control. The feeling is that we're being delivered."

"The shortest distance between the points is a time line, a schedule, a map of your time, the itinerary for the rest of your life. Nothing shows you the straight line from here to death like a list."

"You can tell people the truth, but they'll never believe you until the event. Until it's too late. In the meantime, the truth will just piss them off and get you in a lot of trouble."

"This is passive aggression in action""

"It's not that I want to get married."

"And if Christ had died from a barbiturate overdose, alone on the bathroom floor, would He be in Heaven?"

"Right now, me getting killed would be redundant."

"You could stab a knife right through my heart and you'd be too late."

"There is no Hell. There is no heaven."

"Scratched on the bathroom stall, it says, Heaven, the words say, is all-you-can-eat pussy buffet."

"It doesn't matter if you do anything. If nobody notices, your life will add up to a big zero. People are looking for how to put everything together. They need a unified field theory that combines glamor and holiness, fashion and spirituality. People need to reconcile being good and being good-looking."

"And the sky is blue and righteous in every direction."

": 1In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful. 2Praise be to Allah, the Cherisher and Sustainer of the worlds; 3Most Gracious, Most Merciful; 4Master of the Day of Judgment. 5Thee do we worship, and Thine aid we seek. 6Show us the straight way, 7The way of those on whom Thou hast bestowed Thy Grace, those whose (portion) is not wrath, and who go not astray."

": 1In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful. 2Praise be to Allah, Lord of the Worlds, 3The Beneficent, the Merciful. 4Master of the Day of Judgment, 5Thee (alone) we worship; Thee (alone) we ask for help. 6Show us the straight path, 7The path of those whom Thou hast favoured; Not the (path) of those who earn Thine anger nor of those who go astray."

"Ali: 2This is the Book; in it is guidance sure, without doubt, to those who fear Allah;"

": 2This is the Scripture in which there is no doubt, containing guidance for those who are mindful of God,"

"Pickthall: 2This is the Scripture whereof there is no doubt, a guidance unto those who ward off (evil)."

"Ali: 5They are on (true) guidance, from their Lord, and it is these who will prosper."

": 5They are the people who are rightly following their Lord and it is they who shall be successful."

"Pickthall: 5These depend on guidance from their Lord. These are the successful."

": 6Behold, as for those who are bent on denying the truth - it is all one to them whether thou warnest them or dost not warn them: they will not believe. 7God; has sealed their hearts and their hearing, and over their eyes is a veil; and awesome suffering awaits them."

"Asad: 8And there are people who say, "We do believe in God and the Last Day," the while they do not [really] believe. 9They would deceive God and those who have attained to faith-the while they deceive none but themselves, and perceive it not."

"[talking on the phone] Hi there, this is Mike Donnelly. I work over here at the recreational center. To be honest with you I pretty much run the place ha, ha, ha. Is this ah Pat Gyles? Good, Good. Hey, hope everything's going great in your fine town of er Avery? Atwood! Ha, ha, ha. Say, the reason I'm calling is I wanted to tell you a little bit about the candidacy of Al Donnelly. Al Donnelly's a guy with a dream. His dream is to become governor of this great state of Washington. Hell, every guy's got his dream, am I right? Between you, me and the wall here, I had a doozy myself last night. Ha ha, ha, ha. Get this: A corn-fed harvest mouse, a hooker, a nun, a Flemish peasant woman, whips, chains, whistles, yo-yo's, a circus midget. My grandmother riding by on a bicycle giving me the finger, and a duck! Now, I don't know ha, ha, ha. Are you crying? Oh my lord. I am sorry, honey, please don't! Could you get your daddy on the phone. No, don't hang up please I..."

"[on stage making a fool of himself] That's one small step for man! One giant... I have a dream!"

"And so he says, "Rectum? Damn near killed'em!""

"We've all been screwed by Governor Tracy, and now, I'm going to screw her!"

"Boy, I could sure use some cupcakes or peanut butter cups right now."