All Quotes

"Brute strength is not the most important asset in a fight."

"Yet if my line should die, It dies with its teeth in the enemy's throat, It dies with its name on the enemy's tongue. For just as mere life is not victory, Mere death is not defeat; And in the next world I shall kill the foe a thousand times, Laughing, Undefeated."

"Perhaps today is a good day to die."

"If winning is not important, why keep score?"

"Own the day."

"Negotiation may cost far less than war, or infinitely more: for war cannot cost more than one's life."

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, prepare to die."

"Being an optimist after you've got everything you want doesn't count."

"Never tell the box-office man that you can't hear well or he will sell you a seat where you can't see either."

"Nobuddy ever listened t' reason on a empty stomach."

"Flattery won’t hurt you if you don’t swallow it."

"It's purty hard t' be efficient without bein' obnoxious."

"Ther's still a few honest folks left but they never seem t' find anything you lose."

"If at first you do succeed don't take any more chances."

"Now an' then an innocent man is sent t' th' legislature."

"Gittin' talked about is one o' th' penalties for bein' purty, while bein' above suspicion is about th' only compensation fer bein' homely."

"Don't knock th' weather. Nine-tenths o' th' people couldn' start a conversation if it didn' change once in a while."

"Some people are so sensitive that they feel snubbed if an epidemic overlooks them."

"Th' only way t' entertain some folks is t' listen t' 'em."

"When a fellow says, "It hain't the money, but th' principle o' the thing," it's th' money."

"Bees are not as busy as we think they are. They jest can't buzz any slower."

"Some folks can look so busy doin' nothin' that they seem indispensable."

"Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest."

"Some fellows get credit for being conservative when they are only stupid."

"Nine-tenths of our crimes an' calamities are made possible by th' automobile. It has unleashed all th' pent-up criminal tendencies o' th' ages. It's th' central figure in murders, hold-ups, burglaries, accidents, elopements, failures an' abscondments. It has well nigh jimmed th' American home.... No girl is missin' that wuzn' last seen steppin' in a strange automobile.... An' ther hain't a day rolls by that somebuddy hain't sellin' ther sewin' machine, or ther home, or somethin' t' pay on an automobile.... Maybe th' jails an' workhouses are empty, but that's not because th' world is gittin' better. It's because all th' criminals escape in automobiles."

"We’d all like t’vote fer th’best man, but he’s never a candidate."

"Men are not punished for their sins, but by them."

"There is no failure except in no longer trying. There is no defeat except from within, no really insurmountable barrier save our own inherent weakness of purpose."

"Kin Hubbard is dead. To us folks that attempt to write a little humor his death is just like Edison's would be to the world of invention. No man in our generation was within a mile of him, and I am so glad that I didn't wait for him to go to send flowers. I have said it from the stage and in print for twenty years. Just think — only two lines a day, yet he expressed more original philosophy in 'em than all the rest of the paper combined. What a kick Twain and all that gang will get out of Kin."

"Just for the record, after my first three-month cycle of Deca-Durabolin I couldn't reach down far enough to tie my shoes; my arms were that big. Not a problem, the agent says, and he hires someone to tie all my shoes for me."

"People don't want their lives fixed. Nobody wants their problems solved. Their dramas. Their distractions. Their stories resolved. Their messes cleaned up. Because what would they have left? Just the big scary unknown."

"What you forget when you're planning a hijack by yourself is somewhere along the line, you might need to neglect your hostages just long enough so you can use the bathroom."

"Someone bent on suicide won't have much sense of humor left."

"This is fish number six hundred and forty-one in a lifetime of a goldfish. My parents bought me the first one to teach me about loving and caring for another living breathing creature of God. Six hundred and forty fish later, the only thing I know is everything you love will die. The first time you meet that someone special, you can count on them one day being dead and in the ground."

"People used what they called a telephone because they hated being close together and they were too scared of being alone."

"Whether you clean a stain, a fish, a house, you want to think you're making the world a better place, but really you're just letting things get worse.You think if you work harder and faster, you can hold off the chaos, but then one day you're changing a patio lightbulb with a five-year life span and you realize how you'll only be changing this light maybe ten more times before you'll be dead. Time is running out. There isn't the energy you used to have. You start to slow down. You start to give in."

"Today is just one of those days the sun comes out to really humiliate you."

"I just want some proof that death isn't the end. Even if crazed zombies grabbed me in some dark hall one night, even if they tore me apart, at least that wouldn't be the absolute end. There would be some comfort in that."

"Only God has the right to surprise his children with death."

"The craving inside of me is to be clutched at by some dead girl. To put my ear to her chest and be hearing nothing. Even getting munched on by zombies beats the idea that I'm only flesh and blood, skin and bone. Demon or angel or evil spirit, I just need something to show itself. Ghoulie or ghosty or long-legged beastie, I just want my hand held."

"“A girl calls and asks, "Does it hurt very much to die?" "Well, sweetheart," I tell her, "yes, but it hurts a lot more to keep living.”"

"There's a terrible dark joy when the only person who knows all your secrets is finally dead."

"Kill myself? Thanks, I say. No thanks. Let's Not rush anything here."

"After the caseworker told me about everybody in the Creedish district colony being dead and all, the first thing I did was start smoking. THe smartest things I've ever done is start smoking. When the caseworker dropped by to say rise and shine, and the only other surviving Creedish went south last night, then I sat myself in the kitchen and upped my suicide process with a good stiff drink."

"The truth is you can be orphaned again and again and again. The truth is you will be. And the secret is, this will hurt less and less each time until you can't feel a thing."

"Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. To be or not to be. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you reenlist."

"The joke is, we all have the same punchline."

"If your body is a temple, you can pile up too much deferred maintenance. If your body is a temple, mine was a real fixer-upper."

"The same way every generation reinvents Christ, the agent's giving me the same makeover. The agent says nobody is going to worship anybody with my roll of flab around his middle. These days, people aren't going to fill stadiums to get preached at by somebody who isn't beautiful."

"You're going up and up and up and not getting anywhere. It's the illusion of progress. What you want to think is your salvation. What people forget is a journey to nowhere starts with a single step, too."