"A sure thing comes once in a lifetime... but the real thing lasts forever."

"[talks to Alison while she swims] I flunk English, I'm outta here. Kiss college goodbye. I don't know what I'll do. D…"

"What the hell's wrong with being stupid once in awhile? Does everything you do always have to be sensible? Haven't yo…"

"You know, junk food doesn't deserve the bad rap that it gets. Take these pork rinds for example. This particular bran…"

"[reading Gib's paper aloud] 'It could be tonight,' he thought as he stood in the corner, pretending to have a good ti…"

"Cowboy Guy: I was in Paris once with my wife... boy am I glad she's dead."

"Gary Cooper: Hi, I'm Gary Cooper, but not the Gary Cooper that's dead."

"Lance: Gib, you want a relationship? That's fine. Just remember that every relationship starts with a one night stand…"

"He's onto a sure thing . . . but ends up on the funniest journey to romance you've ever seen."

"Spontaneity has its time and place."