"See you in six months for a routine stabbing."

"If you were a hamburger at McDonald's, I'd name you my McBeautiful Titty Sandwich with titties on top."

"I jerk off to her mammograms."

"Cam Wexler: One more word and I'll hide your stash."

"My entire life, I've been nothing more than a stepping-stone to every relationship I've ever been in. There's always …"

"Eleanor Skipple: [when Charlie proposes to have sex with her] I'm going to fuck you till you die!"

"Dane Cook – Dr. Charlie Logan"

"Jessica Alba – Cam Wexler"

"Dan Fogler – Dr. Stuart Klaminsky"

"Chelan Simmons – Carol"