"I'll never stop working. I want to die in the saddle. A day is wasted for me if I haven't done something even mildly …"

"I saw a specialist who asked me 'Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?'. I said I think I saw that one w…"

"When I said I was going to become a comedian, they all laughed. Well, they're not laughing now, are they?"

"I'd like to die like my old dad, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like his passengers."

"People who hadn't noticed me, or who had written me off as a game show host, started to reassess me. There were peopl…"

"The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper nex…"

"I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance."

"Silence is not only golden; it is seldom misquoted."

"People always say: "You're a comedian, tell us a joke." They don't say: "You're an MP, tell us a lie.""

"No one watched it, not even the cameramen"