Bob Monkhouse

"I'll never stop working. I want to die in the saddle. A day is wasted for me if I haven't done something even mildly creative."

"I saw a specialist who asked me 'Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?'. I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas."

"When I said I was going to become a comedian, they all laughed. Well, they're not laughing now, are they?"

"I'd like to die like my old dad, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like his passengers."

"People who hadn't noticed me, or who had written me off as a game show host, started to reassess me. There were people who hadn't seen me as a stand-up artist and liked it. Suddenly I was in fashion again."

"The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time."

"I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance."

"Silence is not only golden; it is seldom misquoted."

"People always say: "You're a comedian, tell us a joke." They don't say: "You're an MP, tell us a lie.""

"No one watched it, not even the cameramen"

"I've always known that I polarise opinion. Some people respond with enthusiasm and affection. In others, I awaken a lot of hostility."

"Smarmy, plastic, oily, greasy, unctuous, shallow, superficial, old-fashioned, superannuated, crap"

"I suddenly realised I could maybe occupy a different position because of age, a kind of acceptance."

"My father was ruined by hard drink - he sat on an icicle."

"I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret."

"Although I have always loved the noise of laughter, I really can't fear the coming of quiet. As for funerals, I rather like them. Such nice things are always said about the deceased, I feel sad that they had to miss hearing it all by just a few days."

"We used to say he had a computer in his head. His memory was astonishing."