"I'll never stop working. I want to die in the saddle. A day is wasted for me if I haven't done something even mildly …"

"I saw a specialist who asked me 'Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?'. I said I think I saw that one w…"

"When I said I was going to become a comedian, they all laughed. Well, they're not laughing now, are they?"

"People who hadn't noticed me, or who had written me off as a game show host, started to reassess me. There were peopl…"

"The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper nex…"

"I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance."

"Silence is not only golden; it is seldom misquoted."

"People always say: "You're a comedian, tell us a joke." They don't say: "You're an MP, tell us a lie.""

"No one watched it, not even the cameramen"

"I've always known that I polarise opinion. Some people respond with enthusiasm and affection. In others, I awaken a l…"