"Wanna know why I carry this tape recorder? To tape things. See, I'm an idea man, Chuck. I got ideas coming at me all day... I couldn't even fight 'em off if I wanted. Wait a second... hold the phone! Hold the phone! [speaking into tape recorder] Idea to eliminate garbage. Edible paper. You eat it, it's gone! You eat it, it's outta there! No more garbage!"

"So there I was at the Blackjack table with all my wash 'n' dries... did I tell you I had the idea for them first?"

"What if you mix...mayonnaise right in the can with the tuna fish? Hold it! Hold it! Wait a minute! Chuck! Take live tuna fish...and feed them mayonnaise. Oh this is good. [speaks into tape recorder] Call StarKist."

"We'll call ourselves Love Brokers."

"What are we really talking about here? Huh? What's the essence of what we're talking about? Spell it out for you if I have to. [writing on chalkboard] PROSTITUTION! Prostitution. Yeah, we can say it. We're big kids now, right? You know a lot of times it'll help you to understand a word if you break it down, so let’s do that now, shall we? PROS... it doesn't mean anything. Forget about that... TIT, I think we all know what that means. TU, kay two tit and TION, of course, from the Latin to shun... to say no, uh-uh, thank you anyway I don't want it, to push away... it doesn't even belong in this word really, so let's get rid of that."

"I wash my hands and my feet of you!"

"Chuck Lumley: [reads the forms that Leonard, the day shift guy left] Name of the deceased... something Polish?"

"Leonard: Oh, that Barney Rubble. What an actor."

"Ever since two enterprising young men turned the City Morgue into a swinging business, people have been dying to get in."

"It makes the day seem dead."

"Together they are going to make the day pay off... all night long!"

"The oldest profession in a new-look comedy."

"Henry Winkler - Chuck Lumley"

"Michael Keaton - Bill Blazejowski"

"Shelley Long - Belinda Keaton"

"Gina Hecht - Charlotte Koogle"