"How many Assholes have we got on this ship, anyhow? [Everyone On-Board: [raises hands; except one] Yo!] I knew it, I'm surrounded by Assholes! [lowers helmet] Keep firing, Assholes!"

"[Mr. Radar has just been "jammed" with raspberry.] There's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry: [pulls down helmet as camera zooms in on his face] Lone Starr! [camera slams into his face and knocks him out]"

"Now we'll show her who is in charge of this galaxy. [A soldier volunteers, but Helmet stops him] Hold it...I'll handle this personally. [Soldier: Jawohl, Lord Helmet!] So Princess Vespa, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of Planet Spaceball. Well you were wrong. You are now our prisoner and you will be held captive until such time as all the air is transferred from your planet...to ours. [pauses, looking at the camera, then opens door, but finds nothing, then lifts helmet] She's not in there!"

"What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz?! Chicken?!!"

"Ludicrous Speed, Go!"

"[feeling the force of going at Ludicrous Speed] What have I done?! My brains are going into my feet!"

"Yogurt! Yogurt! I hate Yogurt! Even with strawberries!"

"[ogling Dr. Philip Schlotckens' nurse] I bet she gives great helmet."

"1-2-3-4-5? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard of in my life! That's the kinda thing an idiot would have on his luggage!"

"Commence operation [pause] "Vacu-Suck"!"

"You have the ring. And I see your Schwartz is as big as mine. Now, let's see how well you handle it."

"[To Lone Starr] I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate."

"Shit! I hate it when I get my Schwartz twisted!"

"So, Lone Starr, now you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb."

"Say goodbye to your two best friends, and I don't mean your pals in the Winnebago."

"[about the self-destruct cancellation button being out of order] Out of order?! Fuck! Even in the future nothing works!"

"Come back, you fat bearded bitch!"

"[After Barf, introduces himself, opening the emergency exit of the wedding car] Not in here, Mister. This is a Mercedes!"

"It's either the 4th of July or someone's trying to kill us!"

"We'll have none of that mister! How far did he get? What'd he touch?"

"Well... [sniffs] Goodbye, virgin alarm."

"Here I am! I'm sorry! I had to make a pit stop! I'm so excited that I couldn't hold my oil."

"That was my virgin alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do."

"[After beaming to the bridge, his head is on backwards] Why didn't somebody tell me my ass was so big?!"

"[Commanderette Zircon calls him on a video monitor in his bathroom] I told you never to call me on this wall! This is an unlisted wall!"

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5? That's amazing! I've got the same combination on my luggage! [Sandurz and Helmet look at each other in disbelief]"

"[Winded after running down the bridge] The ship is too big. If I walk, the movie will be over."

"[to Dark Helmet] Never have that damn thing down in front of me! How do I know that you're not making faces at me under that thing?"

"[When the self-destruct siren is going off] Where the hell are we, Paris?!?"

"Sandurz, Sandurz! You got to help me! I don't know what to do. I can't make decisions! I'm a president!"

"One pod left and three of us, and I'm the president. Well, boys, it's a very lovely ship; I think you should go down with it. Goodbye. What the hell's the matter with this seat belt? AHHH! [finding a bear already in the seat]"

"Spaceballs? Forget it, too dangerous. Besides, I'm already numero uno on Dark Helmet's hit list."

"YOU listen! On this ship, you are to refer to me as "idiot," not "you captain"! I mean - you know what I mean!"

"Helmet. So, at last we meet for the first time for the last time. [Pauses, reads script {off-screen}]...Yeah."

"[waking up on the desert moon of Vega and surrounded by the Dinks] ...Did I miss something? When did we get to Disneyland?"

"[Talking to Barf after King Roland calls them to rescue Vespa] We're not just doing it for money...We're doing it for a shitload of money!"

"[Talking on the Winnebago intercom to the passengers] Buckle up back there, we're going into..."Hyperactive"!"

"Listen, you royal...highness. Take only what you need to survive. [Later, we see Lone Starr and Barf carrying the whole 'Royal Highness' Matched Luggage' across the desert...]"

"You know something, Princess? You're ugly when you're angry!"

"Look your highness, it's not that we're afraid, far from it. It's just that we've got this thing about death; it's not us."

"The s- That's what I ordered! Change my order to the soup! [Lone Starr: Good move.]"