"[to the Japanese executives before starting his sales pitch] I'm just crazy for your country. I mean, I love it. You know, my Dad was over here with the Army in about, uh, ...1945, uh, let's get started."

"[hands a janitor's mop to Saito] Good luck in your new career."

"Michael Keaton – Hunt Stevenson"

"Now on these last few we might need to cut a few corners. Just little things, like...engines."

"Mimi Rogers – Audrey"

"George Wendt – Buster"

"[in a conference room in Japan] Hey, did you guys decorate this place yourselves? Because it's damn nice. It's real... Oriental."

"John Turturro – Willie"

"We'll call ourselves Love Brokers."

"What's our job? We like drive around and pickup stiffs, or what? Is that what we are supposed to do?"

"What are we really talking about here? Huh? What's the essence of what we're talking about? Spell it out for you if I have to. [writing on chalkboard] PROSTITUTION! Prostitution. Yeah, we can say it. We're big kids now, right? You know a lot of times it'll help you to understand a word if you break it down, so let’s do that now, shall we? PROS... it doesn't mean anything. Forget about that... TIT, I think we all know what that means. TU, kay two tit and TION, of course, from the Latin to shun... to say no, uh-uh, thank you anyway I don't want it, to push away... it doesn't even belong in this word really, so let's get rid of that."

"Wanna know why I carry this tape recorder? To tape things. See, I'm an idea man, Chuck. I got ideas coming at me all day... I couldn't even fight 'em off if I wanted. Wait a second... hold the phone! Hold the phone! [speaking into tape recorder] Idea to eliminate garbage. Edible paper. You eat it, it's gone! You eat it, it's outta there! No more garbage!"

"What if you mix...mayonnaise right in the can with the tuna fish? Hold it! Hold it! Wait a minute! Chuck! Take live tuna fish...and feed them mayonnaise. Oh this is good. [speaks into tape recorder] Call StarKist."

"So there I was at the Blackjack table with all my wash 'n' dries... did I tell you I had the idea for them first?"

"Henry Winkler - Chuck Lumley"

"Gina Hecht - Charlotte Koogle"

"Ever since two enterprising young men turned the City Morgue into a swinging business, people have been dying to get in."

"Shelley Long - Belinda Keaton"

"The oldest profession in a new-look comedy."

"Michael Keaton - Bill Blazejowski"

"It makes the day seem dead."

"I wash my hands and my feet of you!"

"Chuck Lumley: [reads the forms that Leonard, the day shift guy left] Name of the deceased... something Polish?"

"Together they are going to make the day pay off... all night long!"

"Leonard: Oh, that Barney Rubble. What an actor."

"Larry Buckman: Frank & Marilyn's second son (4th child)"

"Nathan Huffner: Susan's husband"

"Taylor Buckman: Gil & Karen's first daughter (2nd child)"

"Tod Higgins Jr: Julie & Tod's son – after named his father Tod Higgins"

"Shirley Lampkin-Bowman: Helen & George's daughter"

"Garry Lampkin: Helen's son (2nd child)"

"Cool Buckman: Larry's son"

"Kevin Buckman: Gil & Karen's first son (1st child)"

"Patty Huffner: Susan & Nathan's daughter"

"Julie Lampkin: Helen's daughter (1st child)"

"Justin Buckman: Gil & Karen's second son (3rd child)"

"Tod Higgins Sr.: Julie's husband"

"Laverne Buckman: Gil & Karen's second daughter (4th child)"

"Steve Martin - Gil Buckman"

"Mary Steenburgen - Karen Buckman"

"[on parenting] It's like your Aunt Edna's ass. It goes on forever and it's just as frightening."

"No, no, no, no. I'm too young to be a grandmother. Grandmothers are old. They bake, and they sew, and they tell you stories about the Depression. I was at Woodstock, for Christ's sake! I peed in a field! I hung on to The Who's helicopter as it flew away!"

"[Helen is trying to talk with Garry about his sex tapes] l assume you're watching these because you're curious about sex... you know. Or filmmaking."

"Dianne Wiest - Helen Buckman-Lampkin"

"Open this door! Goddamnit to hell! I was just like a little respect! Not alot, just a little! Do you know why I'm having sex with machinery? Because your father went to have a party and I stayed to raise two kids, and I HAVE NO LIFE!!!!!!!!"

"You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car - hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father."

"I give them six months. Three, if she cooks."

"Nathan, we're trying so hard to keep these kids off of drugs."

"[to Nathan] Keep Patty away from Larry. He'll suck the intelligence right out of her."