National Lampoon's Van Wilder

"Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but doesn't get you anywhere."

"Are you stalking me? 'Cause that would be super."

"Hey, look. That old bag is stronger than she looks."

"And thus, 'Topless Tutors' was born."

"Sharing a half-calf latte and a penalty box with Gwen Pearson who believes that censorship reflects society's lack of confidence in itself."

"Don't be a fool, stay in school."

"Don't be a fool, wrap your tool."

"All this time I thought I was more to you than some flaccid story."

"You must be Pre-Med Dick."

"Her name is Naomi. That's 'I MOAN' backwards."

"Richard, you rascal, you never told me you were a DIK! [under breath] Not that you had to."

"I'd like you to meet Sherri and Terri. Two girls utterly infatuated with men who have larger than normal... medulla oblongata's."

"Well, it is the NAKED mile run; everyone else will be in their birthday suits. Except for that guy..."

"Write that down."

"Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out alive."

"Those circus midgets can NOT hold their booze!"

"Oh God. If he's here who's running hell?"

"I learned a long time ago you can't treat every situation like it's life and death. Cause you'll die a lot of times."

"Sometimes you gotta let your heart lead you, even if you know it's someplace you know you're not supposed to be."

"Tit! Oh mummy. Most Indians would say cow because they are sacred, but, I hear milk I think giant jugs. You see, I can not go home a virgin. I came here to study the great American art of muff diving. [Van Wilder spits out his water] To-to-to smack clam, munch rug, dine at just one American pink taco stand! You know, I wanted to, how is it, park the porpoise. You know? I want to take it through the car wash, baby, you know? And get it waxed. You know, I want to wax it. Wax it! You know, and air dry. You know, air dry that shit, yeah! And I would like to be your assistant very much, Mr. Van Wilder."

"This is the White Barry."

"You...you...you....you pussy ass mother fucker dick sucker!"

"Richard: You do not call her that, Gonad!"

"Vance Wilder, Sr: Sweet Joseph, my son's a fairy."

"Jeannie: It was the greatest ten seconds. Ever."

"Applicant: I see a rabbi. And he's performing a circumcision...on himself though."

"Prof. McDoogle: Apathy is the glove in which evil slips its hand."

"The Tradition Continues"

"Don't Graduate. Celebrate."

"If you're going for an advanced degree in partying...Why graduate?"

"No party gets started until it gets wilder."

"Born to be wilder!"

"All the girls want him. All the boys want to be him."

"Ryan Reynolds — Van Wilder"

"Kal Penn — Taj Mahal Badalandabad"

"Tara Reid — Gwen E. Pearson"

"Tim Matheson — Vance Wilder Sr."