"[trying to compose a protest song] Hey, Mr. Science Guy... don't spray that aerosol in my eye... for... for I... I don't really wanna die. I'm a noble rabbit..."

"And on that note...we cue the music."

"Here's the pulse, alright, and here's your finger far from the pulse jammed straight up your ass. Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?"

"[to a customer who is bending a comic book's spine] It is a comic book, not your dick! Show some respect. Hold it like you'd hold a woman."

"It's nights like this, when I miss dating a lesbian..."

"A Jay and Silent Bob movie? Who would pay to see that? [Holden, Jay, and Silent Bob look out into the audience]"

"Why in God's name would I wanna keep writing about characters whose central preoccupations are weed and dick and fart jokes? I mean, ya gotta grow, man. Don't you ever want anything more for yourself? [gestures to Silent Bob] I know this poor hapless son of a bitch does. I look into his sorry doe eyes and I just, I see a man crying out. He's crying out "When, Lord? When the fuck can your servant ditch this foulmouthed little chucklehead, to whom I am a constant victim of his folly, so much so that it prevents him from ever getting to kiss a girl! Fuck! When, Lord? When? When's gonna be my time?""

"[to Banky] Oh, but I think it is. We had a deal with you on the comics, remember, for likeness rights? And as we're not only the artistic basis, but also, obviously, the character basis for your intellectual property, Bluntman & Chronic. When said property was optioned by Miramax Films, you were legally obliged to secure our permission to transfer the concept to another medium. As you failed to do that, Banky... you are in breach of the original contract. Ergo, you find yourself in a very actionable position."

"[grabs Jay and yells at him] THE SIGN ON THE BACK OF THE CAR SAID "Critters of Hollywood"! YOU DUMB FUCK!"

"(After being told he is wearing pansy red booties) Holy fuck I am wearing pansy red booties! Why the fuck didn't you tell me?"

"(On videotape) I am the master of the C.L.I.T. Remember this fucking face. Whenever you see C.L.I.T., you'll see this fucking face. I make that shit work. No one rules a C.L.I.T. like me. Not this little fuck, none of you little fucks out there. I am the C.L.I.T. commander! When it comes down to business, this is what I do. I pinch it like this. OOH you little fuck. Then I rub my nose with it."

"(While humping Silent Bob's leg) I can't believe I'm gonna get some pussy for stealing the monkey! Stealing the little monkey!"

"Any movie based on Jay and Silent Bob are gonna lick balls because they both in fact lick balls. Motherfucker. It's time we wrote something back. Type this shit down. All you motherfuckers are gonna pay! You are the ones who are the ball-lickers! We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little, whiny bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who is making the movie, we're gonna make them eat our shit, then shit out our shit, and then eat their shit that's made up of our shit that we made them eat. Then all you motherfucks are next. Love, Jay and Silent Bob."

"What? I have a wiping problem. I stick those little pieces of paper up my brown eye, and BAM! No shit stains on my undies. What, you don't believe me? Let me show you. Check this shit out. Spread my cheeks so you can see the fucking stink nuggets!"

"What the fuck is The Internet?"

"Tickets? Since when did they start charging for the bus? Didn't we used to ride that shit to school every morning for free?"

"15 bucks, little man, Put that shit in my hand If that money doesn't show Then you owe me, owe me, owe"

"Holy fuck, is that monkey waving at us? Holy shit, it understood us! Maybe it's some kind of supermonkey. What if there's more supermonkeys up at that lab? [shouts] What if they're creating an army of them? Holy shit. Maybe it's a conspiracy like in The X-Files... Roswell style! This little monkey could be the fuckin' damn dirty ape responsible for the fall of the human race. In this world gone mad, we won't spank the monkey — the monkey will spank us. [Dante: I'm not even supposed to be here today!] And after the fall of man, these monkey fucks'll start wearing our clothes and rebuilding the world in their image. Oh, and only those as super-smart as me will be left alive to bitterly cry "You maniacs! Damn yous! Goddamn yous all to hell!""

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, Mother mother fuck, Mother mother fuck fuck, Mother fuck mother fuck, Noise, noise, noise. 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4, Noise, noise, noise. Smoking weed, smoking whizz, Doing coke, drinking beers, Drinking beers, beers, beers, Rollin' fatties, smokin' blunts. Who smokes the blunts? We smoke the blunts! Rolling blunts and smoke the b..."

"Scott William Winters as Himself / Clark"

"James Van Der Beek as Himself / Chronic"

"Jason Biggs as Himself / Bluntman"

"Tracy Morgan as Pumpkin Escobar"

"Shannen Doherty as Herself"

"Jon Stewart as Reg Hartner"

"Judd Nelson as a sheriff"

"Carrie Fisher as a nun"

"George Carlin as a hitchhiker"

"Alanis Morissette as God"

"Sean William Scott as Brent"

"Diedrich Bader as Miramax Security Guard Gordon"

"Gus Van Sant as Himself"

"Carmen Llywelyn as Daphne Blake"

"Jane Silvia as Velma Dinkley"

"Matthew James as Shaggy Rogers"

"Marc Blucas as Fred Jones"

"Mark Hamill as Himself / Cock-Knocker / Scooby-Doo"

"Wes Craven as Himself"

"Jason Lee as Brodie Bruce / Banky Edwards"

"Jamie Kennedy as Chaka's production assistant"

"Jeff Anderson as Randal Graves"

"John McCurry - (voice)"

"Judy Engles - (voice, uncredited)"

"Phil Seuling - (voice)"