"The slight mistake, Mesdames and Messieurs, is in the so-called identity of these alleged colleagues. I don't know who he is, but she is definitely not herself."

"I myself have a little announcement to make, that may be of some interest. My natural curiosity was aroused, an so I did a little research on Mr. Bankister and Miss Burns, and I think--"

"I find that story as difficult to swallow as I do this potage au gelée."

"There is an old Croatian saying, Bollixter, which goes..."

"Don’t you know the meaning of propriety?"

"Don't kick those rocks, you Philistine!"

"Why, those are Howard's. What on Earth are you doing with Howard Bannister's rocks?"

"The point is, the point is... oh god, I've forgotten my point."

"Well, there's not much to see actually, we're inside a Chinese dragon."

"It's the television set, Eunice. There's a movie on—a war movie. They're getting dressed for the big battle."

"...you are not Burnsy. Burnsy is Burnsy, I mean Eunice is Burnsy, I mean she isn't Burnsy. Nobody is Burnsy."

"Why Ms. Burns, what are you doing in Mr. Banister's bedroom? Don't you know the meaning of propriety?"

"What do you think I am, a piece of ripe fruit you can squeeze the juice out of and cast aside?"

"Hi, Room Service, this is Room 1717. I would like a double-thick roast beef sandwich medium rare on rye bread with mustard on the top, mayonnaise on the bottom, and a coffee hot fudge sundae with a large bottle of diet anything. You got that? Yeah, Room 1717. Oh, and Room Service, would you put it in the hall outside the door. I mean, don’t bring it in or knock on the door because I’m just putting my little one to sleep. Thank you."

"It so happens, Mr. Simon, that Howard has had discussions with Leonard Bernstein about the possibility of conducting an avalanche ... in E flat."

"I love those old Ventegums."

"Eunice!? This is a person named Eunice?"

"Dorothy Provine - Lilly Olay"

"George Macready - General Kuhster"

"Ross Martin - Baron Von Stuppe"

"Larry Storch - Texas Jack"

"Peter Falk - Maximillian 'Max' Meen"

"Natalie Wood - Maggie DuBois"

"Tony Curtis - Leslie 'The Great Leslie' Gallant III"

"Jack Lemmon - Professor Fate/Crown Prince Frederick Hapnick"

"The movie with 20,000-mile or one-million-laughs guarantee!"

"THE GREAT LAUGH SHOW OF ALL TIME!"

"Women have to emancipate themselves in order to emancipate men. So they can emancipate each other where it counts the most."

"You mean amazing because I'm a woman."

"I speak, read, and write French... Russian... and Arabic."

"[to Maggie DuBois] You talk a good fight, but when it comes down to it, you're as emancipated as a confirmed spinster in a knitting bee."

"[throwing flour at General Kuhster] I don't care! I don't care! You're banished! I'm getting an new tucker-inner. Banished, banished, banished!"