"[after getting a pie in the face] Ulp? Brandy? Hah-hah, throw more brandy! Throw brandy! More Brandy! [gets a second pie in the face] Rum! I never mix my pies. I want to play, too."

"Fate:Push the button, Max!"

"[to Leslie, after Leslie allows him to win the race due to him proving his love for Maggie Dubois rather than beating him] I hate you! You, I hate! You, whose clothes are always white, and whose hair is always combed, and whose car is always clean! I refuse to accept! I challenge you to another race!"

"Thieves, brigands and cut-throats of all nations may hound us... but we are ready for them... we shall blast them into Kingdom Come."

"[the men of the Sheriff of Boracho wearing indian hats are approaching them from behind believing they are going to attack him] Smokescreen Max! Give them the smokescreen! No, you idiot! The smokescreen! Push the button, Max!"

"[to Maggie, after Maggie accidentally destroy his garage while confronting the dogs] A pox on you!"

"Push the button, Max! [on numerous occasions.]"

"[after crash landing into a mud puddle in the farm during a stunt] Well, there's another one, Leslie can try on for size."

"[covered in feathers after crashing during a stunt] I'd like to see the Great Leslie try THAT one!""

"Shawn Wayans as Ray Wilkins"

"Carmen Electra as Drew Decker"

"Kurt Fuller as The Sheriff"

"Cheri Oteri as Gail Hailstorm"

"Dave Sheridan as Doofy Gilmore/Ghostface"

"Lochlyn Munro as Greg Phillipe"

"Shannon Elizabeth as Buffy Gilmore"

"Jon Abrahams as Bobby Prinze"

"Marlon Wayans as Shorty Meeks"

"Regina Hall as Brenda Meeks"

"Anna Faris as Cindy Campbell"

"Funny As Hell."

"Obey The Rules... Or Die Laughing."

"No Mercy. No Shame. No Sequel."

"Merciless. Shameless. Unique."

"A Killer Comedy."

"[At a press conference] Let me just say that the killing of these teens has been tragic, but, uh... hey, you know, shit happens."

"A small dick's like a disability, man! How would you like to make fun of a guy in a wheelchair?! Huh? Would you?, Come on out you sick fuck. I'll kick the shit outta you, all right?! It's not the size of the hammer, it's the nail you're throwing it at!"

"[reporting live while a student is in the background fooling around] Hello, I'm Gail Hailstorm, author of the book "You're Dead, I'm Rich". A small college town is in shock after the unthinkable has happened. A brutal killing spree that left one teen dead... that's it! [pulls out a gun and shoots the student]... two teens dead and this small town shaken and stirred."

"Okay, chopzilla, listen up, [holds up her thumb] This little piggy went to the market. [holds up her middle finger] This little piggy stayed home... [points at cameraman] And if this little piggy doesn't roll the goddamn camera, I'm gonna shove my foot up his fucking ass - [camera clicks on]"

"[laughs] Shit, son! Yo, whats' the deal? Yo, if y'all are watching this tape right now, that means I didn't make it. Either I'm a prisoner or worse, dead. But either way it goes, I'm gonna tell you the rules to survive this situation. Rule number 1: you gotta be quick. Rule number 2: DON'T fall down. And rule number 3: whatever you do, NEVER LOOK BACK! Y'all wish me luck... SNATCH AND RUN, Y'ALL!"

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines."

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking."

"Barbara Billingsley - Jive Lady"

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your stewardess speaking. We regret any inconvenience the sudden cabin movement might have caused. This is due to periodic air pockets we encountered. There's no reason to become alarmed and we hope you enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?"

"Stephen Stucker — Johnny"

"Robert Stack — Kramer"

"Lorna Patterson — Randy"

"Leslie Nielsen — Dr. Rumack"

"Robert Hays — Ted Striker"

"Julie Hagerty — Elaine"

"Peter Graves — Captain Oveur"

"Lloyd Bridges — McCroskey"

"It was a rough place - the seediest dive on the wharf. Populated with every reject and cutthroat from Bombay to Calcutta. It's worse than Detroit."

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking."

"Kareem Abdul-Jabbar — Roger Murdock"

"The Plane's going to Chicago. The Pilot's going to New York. The Passengers are going to Pieces!"

"The craziest flight you'll ever take!"

"Thank God it's Only a Motion Picture!"

"What's slower than a speeding bullet, and able to hit tall buildings at a single bound?"