"Your FEELINGS?! To hell with your feelings! Everybody with their feelings! "I'm obese, my kid's a brat, help me, help me! JUST SHUT UP!!! (cries) Why can't I fix anyone of them?! I'm so dumb and worthless! Mama was right, Mama was right! (sobs)"

"What the hell was that for?!"

"Just make the damn basket!"

"Shaquille. I'm not angry at you, 'cause we ARE one minute away from Death. Just shut the "No" voice. Own your success."

"Hit the metal arm with something. There!"

"I don't know! I was doing a show on teens with abandonment issues and then suddenly, I blacked out and woke up here! Man, those kids are gonna be pissed!"

"Gentlemen, you don't know me, but I know you. You both play games with people for a living, but now you are going to be playing for your lives."

"We are so fucked."

"I'm sorry for killing millions of people. Whatever!"

"(Cindy is going to cut her own eye) Zoltar, get in here! This one's gonna do it!"

"(having a nightmare) Lil' Kim- Lil' Kim got my sandwich. Look out- Russell Crowe's got a phone! R. Kelly, don't pee on me! MY LOVELY LADY LUMPS! Where are we?!"

"(holding up Shaquille O'Neal's femur) I don't believe it! The aliens killed a dinosaur!"

"This is some shit, up with which we will not put."

"What?! We at peace now, I was just sealin' the deal!"

"Well, they don't call it churnin' where I come from!"

"[After finding Michael Jackson with a group of children] Run away, kids! Run TOWARDS the Tri-pods if you have to!"

"Gee, I wonder why I spend every waking moment of my life operating a crane... God, I hate my job. [starts playing with a crane machine]"

"All I've got is my kids, and my car. They mean the world to me. [slams Rachel's head in car door.]"

"Based on True Events"

"What Is With The Scary Movies?"

"They're coming. We need your support."

"What's the difference between a Belgian and a lump of dog shit? The Belgian drinks wine, but the dog shit smells good!"

"[deleted scene] God is good. God is great. But not all the time, sometimes He could be a real asshole. Praying for twenty-four years, not one goddamn message on my answering machine. If You're listening and I know You're up there, thanks for all this food, since it's the least You could do. Amen. Let's eat."

"Check it out. You ever seen a bird dick this big? Too much for ya, eh, honey? Well, step off, sweet cheeks! Come back when you want some real love."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Dwight. I say when we pull the plug. We're about to make the scientific discovery of the century, and I am this close to getting laid."

"(as Megan's head spins around, Father McFeely turns to leave) Fuck this!"

"[grunting on the toilet] Oh, God. Please, Lord, help me to release this demon! (groans and farts forcefully and is relieved) Ahh! Thank you, Lord, the most merciful Almighty. Oh... hold on. (farts forcefully again) Ahhh, ah! Oh, those enchiladas!"

"[while exorcising Megan] Holy Lord, Almighty Father, Everlasting God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, and the Virgin Mary's baby daddy, Holy Lord, Almighty Father, Everlasting God, who once concerned that Fallen Tyrant to the flames of Hell, who sent your only Son in the world to crush that Roaring Tiger, and who got that unholy bitch Jerri kicked off of Survivor!"

"Richard Moll as Hugh Kane (Hell House Ghost)"

"Andy Richter as Father Harris"

"Chris Elliott as Hanson"

"Tori Spelling as Alex"

"Tim Curry as Professor Oldman"

"James Woods as Father McFeely"

"David Cross as Dwight Hartman"

"Kathleen Robertson as Theo"

"Chris Masterson as Buddy"

"Marlon Wayans as Shorty Meeks"

"Shawn Wayans as Ray Wilkins"

"Regina Hall as Brenda Meeks"

"Anna Faris as Cindy Campbell"

"More merciless. More shameless."

"The movie that dares you to come."

"Well, are you boys just gonna sit there with your mouths open, or is someone gonna offer me a seat?"

"God damn it, what the fuck did you put in this birdseed?! (screams as bird poop sprays the wall) God, that was a big one!"

"(to Cindy) Oh, God, will you shut the fuck up! Why couldn't you have just left me there to die?! Give me a fuckin' rope, I'll hang myself! (grabs the stick he's sitting on with his beak, hanging from it) Here I go, I'll hang myself!"

"Thandie Newton - Kate Thomas, Norbit's best friend, in whom he has a romantic interest."

"Tone Man - Narrator (voice)"

"Charlie Murphy (voice) - Lloyd the Dog"

"Alexis Rhee - Ling Ling Wong"