"(After Jeremy Hardy has sung in a round of Pick up Song) "That wasn't even the same track. That went off very well. Let's move on. Something wrong there. Oh hang on. That went off. Very well, let's move on.""

"We call the next game Word for Word; it's a word game."

"Some experts believe that it might take its title from a town in Ireland, which is generally associated with meaningless nonsense. Ballykissangel."

"This week we can promise you a nail-biting contest... followed by a nose-picking contest."

"Oh wait a minute, I've goofed. It says on my thing here, you all keep going until it stops being funny."

"The city (Leeds) has connections with many famous people. Well loved celebrities include Alan Bennett and Barry Cryer. Wait a minute, there's a bit here I didn't read. Well loved celebrities include Alan Bennett, and Barry Cryer used to know his milkman."

"Well, it's time to meet the teams and I can honestly say you couldn't ask for four better comedians. So that's answered your next question."

"If at any point I disapprove strongly you'll hear this (*blows horn*), unless I give Samantha a go, in which case you'll hear this (*lady screams*)."

"They are: farce, slapstick, wordplay, exaggeration, comic metaphor, inappropriate response, repetition, irony, mimicry, satire and black humour. Hmm... doesn't mention filth."

"The next round is called 'Cheddar Gorge' and it's just one of many parlour games inspired by English place names. There's also Barrow-in-Furness which involves burning garden implements, Sellafield, where the object is to try to flog off a plot of contaminated land, and of course we musn't forget Broadstairs, a game for people who are too fat to use the lift."

"Welcome to ISIHAC where fun and laughter get on like a mouse on fire."

"This round is all about the ancient art of communication. In ancient Egypt, they wrote unintelligible scribbles on walls and worshipped cats. Oh no, hang on, that's Facebook."

"Jack Dee: "As the Toyota of time crashes through the showroom of destiny, and the car dealership of eternity spots the flaw in their faulty brake recall programme...""

"Jack Dee: "As the Little Jack Horner of fate pulls out his plums of doom, before the school matron of destiny says 'Cough'...""

"Jack Dee: "As the electric drill of time bores into the plaster of destiny, and the howl of agony erupts from the patient with a broken leg...""

"As the 4x4 of destiny on the level crossing of fate, stalls in the path of the speeding freight train of doom, and the signalman of time rushes to fetch his camera..."

"As the false teeth of time come away in the Granny Smith of destiny, and the Grandpa Smith of fate decides he needs stronger dentifix..."

"As the hunter of time blasts the moose of destiny, and as the dairy counter worker of fate grabs the mop of destiny..."

"Jack Dee: "As the rabbit of time is chased by the Labrador of fate, and the David Blunkett of destiny is dragged screaming round Walthamstow dog track...""

"As the chill wind of time blows up the kilt of destiny, and the short-sighted octopus of fate attempts to mount the bagpipes of eternity..."

"As the wee-willy-winky of time pops out of the nightgown of eternity..."

"As the little Jack Horner of time pulls out his plums of fate, and the little Tommy Tucker of destiny looks for a rhyme we can broadcast..."

"As the red red robin of time goes bob-bob-bobbing under the snow plough of destiny, and the sage and onion stuffing mixture of fate is rammed up the eternally unfrozen turkey of damnation..."

"As the armpit hair of time is snagged in the ball deodorant of destiny, and the Harpic of eternity spills unseen onto the loo roll of fate..."

"As the grubby raincoat of time opens to reveal the upright Member of Parliament, and the categorical denial of destiny is swiftly followed by the resignation letter of fate..."

"As the plastic cup of time fails to emerge from the vending machine of destiny, and the scalding coffee substitute of fate splashes onto the unsuspecting crotch of eternity..."

"Jack Dee: "As the impressionist of time is hung in the art gallery of destiny, and the visitors agree that lynching seems reasonable for anyone who does Frank Spencer impressions...""

"As the loose boweled pigeon to time swoops low over the tourist of destiny, and the unlicensed mini-cab of fate gets lost in the one-way system of eternity..."

"Well as the delicate mayfly of time collides with the speeding windscreen of fate, and the angry wasp of destiny flies up the trouser leg of despair..."

"As the short-sighted rhino of time attempts to mount the VW beetle of eternity, and the rubber glove of hope gets lost in the Aberdeen Angus of destiny..."

"As the frisky tomcat of fate confronts the scalpel of destiny, and the precious natural woodland of time meets the motorway extension of eternity..."

"Well with Mickey Mouse's big hand pointing upwards and Goofy's tail pointing downwards, I realise my Rolex is a fake."

"As the Ford Anglia of time fails the MOT test of eternity, and the dappled donkey of fate ambles toward the abbetoir of destiny..."

"As the great tit of time nibbles through the gold top of eternity, and the unseen mouse droppings of fate nestle in the Crunchy Fruit and Nut muesli of destiny..."

"Jack Dee: "Leeds was the birthplace of two of Britain's most venerable writers of comedy - Alan Bennett and our own Barry Cryer. Alan Bennett recently donated the entire collection of his writings to the nation. Barry considered doing the same but everyone convinced him he couldn't give his work away.""

"Lewis Carroll started his journeys to China from Sunderland. In fact, he thought of the title for 'Alice in Wonderland' when he thought of Sunderland and changed the first letter. Thank Goodness he wasn't traveling to Nanking."

"Jack Dee: "Crawley is often referred to as the Barcelona of West Sussex, mainly by people who've never been to Barcelona... or Crawley... or have never left their own house.""

"Close by is Wycombe Air Park. This houses a fine collection of vintage aircraft including the Vickers Boxkite biplane, which one Bert Hinkler flew here in 1921. Racing the express train from London, he won by a full eleven minutes. Now aged 103, Mr. Hinkler celebrated by repeating the event in October this year...and beat the train by seven and a half hours. It would have been more, but the chain kept falling off his bike."

"The area has become even more of a tourist attraction. Many come here and pay a few pounds to enjoy an uninterrupted 45 minute viewing of London and the Thames... as they wait for their Connex train to finally crawl off Hungerford Bridge. Or they can climb up to the top of the mighty tower of the Shell Centre to enjoy a panoramic vista right across half of London. You can't see the other half, because some fool has put a 700 foot bicycle wheel in the way."

"During Tudor times, Hull's customs levies on Humber shipping resulted in a feud with neighbouring Beverley. Eventually, the nuns of Beverley convent rose in revolt, and laid seige to Hull. This worried Henry VIII, who sent a heavily armed force immediately he heard the town was being terrorised by the Beverley sisters."

"What happens in Manchester today happens in the rest of the world tomorrow. So listen up, rest of the world. Tomorrow, it's going to drizzle."

"As the rogue purple underpants of time begin their assault on the whites-only wash cycle of destiny, and the twin buttocks of fate are sucked into the malfunctioning chemical toilet of eternity..."

"Lionel Blair & Christopher Biggins recently appeared on Stars in Their Eyes, where Lionel singing Maggie May came second to his old teammate. Biggins said that Lionel's Rod was outstanding but he easily had it licked..."

"Canterbury today is an interesting mix of traditional and modern buildings, due to the large number of bombs dropped during the last war. Even now the authorities regularly uncover unstable cases carrying decaying material which have to be handled with the greatest of care. Let me introduce four of them."